Winning NCAA Tournament Bracket

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity, Work | Posted on 20-03-2013

Like many of you I fill out NCAA Tournament brackets.  I do it every year and actually won the pool once years ago, but for the most part I never get close.  I never get close because the people who usually win know NOTHING about sports.

This doesn’t really bother me.  I do happen to know a fair amount about sports but filling out these brackets is as much about luck as it is about skill.  And as you know it’s often better to be lucky than to be good.

So finally, here is some insight into the mind of these non-sports people that pull a winning bracket out of thin air.  Here is a bracket as filled out by your typical non-sports fan:

Guaranteed to win you the money

Guaranteed to win you the money

 

There you have it…. good luck to all!

SD

 

In My Dreams

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity | Posted on 07-03-2013

You know what I am really good at?  Other than complaining?  Sleeping.  You know what I am not so good at?  Falling asleep.  I’ve never been one of those “asleep before my head hits the pillow” kind of people.  The amount of time I lie there TRYING to sleep before ACTUALLY sleeping ranges from 15 – 60 minutes.  In extreme cases in can be a few hours, with me getting up an watching TV, reading or surfing the internet in between bouts of tossing and turning.  But I won’t surf porn.  Porn in the dead of the night is just creepy!

I do this all the time.

When I do sleep, I dream.  Vivid, bizarre, often humorous dreams of the most random shit you can imagine.  I’ve always remembered my dreams which can be both a good thing and a disturbing thing.  And the things I find funny in my dreams are generally stupid as hell when I wake up – even by my own immature humor standards.

I can’t count how many times I have thought to myself in those first moments after waking that I need to write down something I said or did in a dream because it was so damn funny.  Then as reality creeps in and I become a little more alert I realize it’s not funny.  At all.  Like a farting duck.

Ok, you got me, that never happened… I can only WISH I’d dream about something as funny as a farting duck.

But this week I had a couple funny dreams that stood up to the bright lights of the next day.  One of them involved the Lady Friend and myself in Vegas.  Have I mentioned Vegas is one of my favorite cities in the world.  It is.  I’ve been there about a dozen times and am always itching to go back.  In this dream we were wandering around the casino where we were staying and stumbled onto a small hole in the floor.  Inside this hole was a wad of cash.  As any sane person would do, I quickly grabbed the cash.  I didn’t bother counting, just stuffing it in my pocket as quickly and nonchalantly as possible.

Then I noticed a dude all the way across the casino coming towards me – he’d seen me snag the money.  Even from quite a distance this guy looked unsavory.  He was the stereotypical mafia type: big, dumb, mean and ugly.  Not the kind of dude you want to mess with.  So we got the hell out of there darting and dodging between slot machines and people.  I knew he was far enough away that he didn’t get a good look at either of us so I told the Lady Friend to head to up our room while I hit the streets to lose him that way.  I had the money and he saw me grab it so I knew he would follow me.. which he did.

Hee Hee.

Out on the strip this guy kept following, though still from a distance as I can be pretty quick when being chased by a thug!  I quickly ran around a corner and into the side door of a casino before this hoodlum could see where I went.  My first thought was GET RID OF THIS CASH.  Anyone who has ever been in a casino knows that a quick way to do that would be to put it into a slot machine and then “cash out” to get one of those receipts you bring to the cashier.  At least I wouldn’t have a wad of cash on me anymore.  But no… I decided I wanted to spend it on food.  Lots of food.  All that running made me hungry so I stopped at every food stand, eating everything I could.  Then in my dream wisdom I decided I needed a costume so I bought a giant wig, some bright goofy clothes and over-sized sunglasses.

This idea worked… I walked right past the bad dude who was standing on the corner looking for me.  When I got back to the hotel room my Lady Friend was pissed off at me for spending all the money (along with some of my own) on that random crap.  I guess me being alive wasn’t good enough for her.

Then I woke up, giggling.

SD

 

I Have Discovered My Super Power

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity | Posted on 28-02-2013

Before reading this you may want to read my post on Monday about my complaining ways.  Things piss me off in life, and I usually feel the need to tell people about it.  If that makes me a complainer (or a bitcher) then so be it.

This has never bothered me in the past, but in recent weeks I’ve started to wonder if seeing the world from such a negative viewpoint is the healthiest way to go through life.  For the most part I have always been a glass half-full kind of dude.  I can see the beauty in things pretty easily.  But when it comes to morons, idiots, stupid people and the crap they put the rest of us through I have little patience.

Last week while on vacation I caught an episode of a show I didn’t even realize was on TV.  The Jeff Probst Show.  He is the dude that hosts Survivor and apparently has a daytime talk show now where he interviews people.  The things you miss out on by having a job huh?

Anyway on this particular episode Dr. Drew Pinsky and Adam Corolla were on talking about their Love Line days, as well as what they are up to now.  Incidentally I used to listen to Love Line on the radio all the time – that was some funny shit.  But Jeff Probst brought up something to Adam Corolla that got my attention.  Adam is a master complainer.  He can take any topic and find some reason to bitch about it.

They tested this by having an audience member throw out a random topic (birthdays) and he went on a rant about it.  I am 100% positive I can do this exact same thing.  I’ve tried a couple times with the Lady Friend and found it quite easy to piss and moan about almost any subject.  I can even find things to bitch about with things I ENJOY like sports and beer.

So I am now embracing it.  My super power is complaining and I’m damn proud of it!!

SD

Complainers Anonymous?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity, Stupid People | Posted on 25-02-2013

They always say the first step towards getting better is admitting you have a problem right?  Well I have a problem…  I am a Bitch-A-Holic.  This is nothing new and there was no recent moment of enlightenment.  I have always done a lot of bitching, pretty much my whole life.

And I have always recognized these complaining tendencies.  In fact complaining for me is like an art form.  The world and the stupid people that we are forced to endure each day are my canvas, my negative attitude is my paint and my verbal creativity is my brush.  I’m cool with that.

I have discovered that this may be something to be proud of… in a weird sort of way.  I’ll write more about that in my next post.

This wouldn't stop me from complaining.

This wouldn’t stop me from complaining.

I’ll admit my complaining can occasionally be without merit, but more often something has happened to really irk me.  Just last week, my Lady Friend and I were on vacation and we stopped at a grocery store to pick up a few items, well below the 12 items or less threshold for the express lane.  Despite that lane having an extra person or two waiting I hopped right in, figuring they have less crap so it should go quicker… right?  This theory would hold up if the person doing the “checking out” realized it was an EXPRESS LANE.

Or more accurately if the manager assigning duties to the employees realized it was an express lane.  In this particular case they chose the chattiest, slowest employee they had on their roster and plopped her down in the express lane.  Well after people paid she was still asking them questions about their lives.  Meanwhile, the eye-daggers I was sending her from the back of the line was not moving things along.

I watched people in the normal lanes whipping through faster than we were.  When it was my turn to pay I pushed my check card into her face before she even finished ringing up the total.  And as the transaction was ending, I had my bags in hand, starting to walk away as she handed me the receipt – lest she attempt to make conversation and piss off more people behind me.

Some people would shake this off and forget it, but I complained about this incident to everyone who would listen.  My name is Jon… they call me the Simple Dude.  And I am a Bitch-A-Holic.

As I mentioned earlier, there may be a bright side to this addiction… I am thinking it through now and will write more in a couple days.

SD

P.S. Oh, and we had a great vacation – though it sucks to be back in “winter” now.  I’ll post more about that with pictures later too!

 

Another Entry On The Long List Of Things That Piss Me Off

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays, Random Simplicity | Posted on 05-02-2013

I saw this over the weekend, just down the street from my house… pardon the bad, grainy photo.   I snapped it with my cell phone while slowly driving by.  Plus it was, you know, dark.  Duh.

This is NOT COOL in February.

This is NOT COOL in February.

If he still has his Christmas lights on this coming weekend I have permission to take the hedge clippers and shred the friggin’ things right?  I never would have thought I could get irritated by Christmas lights.  Six weeks ago I thought his house looked nice.  Now I want to punch him square in the balls.

What is it about some a-hole leaving his lights up too long that enrages me??  Am I the only one who feels like this?

SD

 

Colder Than A Witch’s…

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Family, Random Simplicity | Posted on 30-01-2013

I used to always joke around that if there is a Heaven… and I am lucky enough to be let in the front gates, there is something I need to do immediately.

No I won’t hug my grandparents, parents or old pets from when I was kid.  And I won’t stop to ask God why my taste buds loved cheese so much, despite my digestive system never being a fan.  All those things can wait.

The first order of business for when I cross through the pearly gates is to go looking for my older ancestors.  Probably my great-great-great grandparents.  And when I find them?  I’m going to punch them right in the nose.

Why the animosity?  Because these people got up and left their homes in Europe.  Most likely Germany and Norway based on my bloodlines.  They left these cold, snowy climates in search of a better life so they crossed the Atlantic ocean with the hopes of finding their own American dream.  And where did they decide to settle once they landed in the new world?  In a place that is even colder and snowier than where they came from.

These people had their choice to live anywhere they wanted.  Florida, Arizona.. hell they could have taken a boat to Hawaii if they really wanted to.  But nooooo…  they decided Minnesota was the place to be!

So here I am.  Yes I know I am a grown-ass man (as the kids say) and have free will to move.  But I’m lazy.  The point is these people chose to live somewhere with a miserable climate when they had the whole damn country laid out in front of them.  They deserve a punch in the mouth.  And maybe a quick knee to the balls.

To prove my point… last week on my way to work I took this photo of the temperature gauge in my truck:

WayTooCold

Your eyes freeze open at this temp.

Yeah, it reads -10.  That’s 10 degrees below zero.  Fahrenheit!  For you Canadians that’s like -109 Celsius or some shit like that.  I thought it was worthy of a photo.  That is until the next morning as I was heading in to work and saw this:

ColdAsHell

And at this temp your teeth can cut glass.

-12 degree Fahrenheit.  Or -145 Celsius… give or take a few degrees.  That is balls-climbing-back-up-inside-you cold right there.

The weird thing is that five days earlier it was 40 degrees here, and back to 40 on Monday of this week.  Now they’re predicting lows of -10 again for tomorrow.

Friggin’ ancestors.

SD

 

Creepy Baby

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity, Weekends | Posted on 12-01-2013

I’m half-assing it this weekend.  Why?  Because I can.  A few years ago I invented the Half-Assed Weekend post to let bloggers off the hook of coming up with something interesting to write on the weekends.  As a blogger you probably know your posts only get about half the views and comments on the weekends as they do during the week.  So I say you should only put half the effort into those posts.

Oddly enough, my Half-Assed Weekend posts have been some of my best.  Hmmm….

A few months ago the Lady Friend and I took a little weekend getaway to southern Minnesota and visited a bed and breakfast.  Normally those are not my kind of places because you feel like you’re sleeping in some stranger’s spare room.  Awkward!  Especially because I tend to sleepwalk naked.  But it actually turned out ok and we had a good time.

This little town has lots of quaint shops, cafes and coffee joints so we wandered around one of the days.  While in a little shop on the town’s main street I walked around the corner and had this thing scare the shit out of me:

Yikes!

Yikes!

It is meant to be a hanger for baby clothes but the damn thing also looks like a baby.  A flat, ugly, chubby, creepy baby.  I quickly snapped a photo then got the hell out of there, worried that it was going to jump down off it’s hook and follow me.

Now it’s going to haunt you in your dreams.  You’re welcome!

Have a great weekend!

SD