The Simple DudeA Simple Dude in a Complex World

The Lady Friend and I are getting married in about 2 1/2 weeks and my bachelor party is next weekend.  Scary!

I wrote one last article at The Indie Chicks website about our wedding plans and the small reception we’re having at our house.  The tough part was deciding who does and doesn’t get to come over and eat and drink on me.  I plan on getting lots of people drunk.  I don’t offer that kind of service every day!

Click on over and read all about it…  and in the next few days I’ll have a post about the NHL Blogger Bet that has now concluded.

Here is a hint…  it didn’t have a happy ending for your Simple Dude.

If you have never been to The Indie Chicks website you are missing out.  Don’t let the name fool you either, it’s not just about Chicks or just for Chicks.  I myself have spent plenty of time reading articlesthere and I am not a chick.  Not even close.  I have also written a few articles over there myself promoting my book.  You’ve read that right?  No?  Come one, it’s hilarious!

As you may or may not know… the Lady Friend and I are getting married this summer.  And coincidentally The Indie Chicks recently asked if I would be willing to write a few more articles for them.  So I decided, what better topic to write about then the end of my life!  My single life that is.  Jeez, I hope my Lady Friend doesn’t read this.

Since I am not your typical groom, getting married for the very first time at the ripe old age of 40, I thought I could bring a unique perspective to a whole process.  Which is what I am doing over the course of a few articles over there.

The first one went up today and is published under my pen name Jon.  I know, what a weird name to choose right?

I’d love you like a case of beer if you did me a favor and clicked over to read it.  And please comment there – I’d love to hear what you peeps think!

SD aka Jon

As mentioned here a few weeks ago, the Lady Friend and I are now engaged.  After I wrote that post as well as the one about the toot candle last week, I thought it would be a good idea to have her write a post.  A post about HER side of the whole getting married story.  

I have to say… after reading it.  I’m a bit scared.  Here she is:

HERE COMES THE BRIDE

by the Lady Friend

I’m sure you’ve all heard the bad news by now. Yeah, I’m tying the knot. Wait, did I write bad news?

After seeing life as I know it slowly slip away, I couldn’t help but think of the things I will no longer be able to do or say once I’ve made that fateful step. For example, sarcastically telling my married friends with kids… “Yeah, really sucks that I’m unmarried without kids and get to do whatever I want every day,” is a thing of the past.

Same goes for the times I’m asked to do housework and boldly reply, “Do you see a ring on my finger?” And what about when Brad Pitt’s car breaks down and he stops by to use the phone? I won’t be able to answer the door in my best Victoria’s Secret lingerie, “Husband? Oh I’m not married, please, come on in.”

But in all reality, it’s not THAT bad. After all, I now have the means to finally be the Bridezilla I’ve aspired to be.

I’m screwed right?

During the next few months I plan to make my wedding the most significant event of 2013. First thing is to refer to it as MY wedding, because it is after all MY day. The statement “you will not ruin MY wedding!” shall be uttered numerous times over the next few months and can occur at any moment on the actual wedding day.
My plan is to run this shindig as if it’s my own personal empire and each person in my bridal party is an unpaid intern.

All plans for a bridal shower and bachelorette party will be micro-managed by me — no decisions will be made without my prior approval. Each of these parties will be held in inconvenient locations on absurd dates and times that are only convenient to me.

I will schedule the bridesmaid dress fitting for a day where an ice storm is expected. This fitting, of course, will occur five months before the actual wedding and my expectation will be that the dresses appropriately fit. I will insist that no one gains weight and for those who cannot fit into a size 4 or smaller will be forced to lose weight by all means necessary.

Two weeks before the bachelorette party is to take place, I will be changing it’s destination to be somewhere out of state, maybe Vegas? I will expect everyone to drop what they are doing, pay for their flight, and make this trip memorable.

Registering for gifts will be an experience since I’ll pick out everything that’s difficult to find in local area stores. Everything on the list will be chosen by yours truly, for yours truly.  SD can be happy with his old underpants full of holes and a 20-year old drill that barely works.

I’m sure you all have at least one bridezilla story with some bride uttering… “This is MY wedding, we’ll do it the way I want!” and now it’s my time. 

Uh oh.  I’m assuming she’s kidding… sort of…  she has to be right? 

SD

First of all I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words and condolences..  oops I mean congratulations on my engagement to my Lady Friend.  As of last week we’ve been together over four years, living together for more than two and generally happy with each other for a good couple months.  So why the hell not get engaged?!

We’re going to tie the knot this summer in a very small, Simple ceremony.  What else would you expect?  I’m sure I’ll share more with all of you as the date approaches and we start to make plans.  Maybe I should live VLOG the wedding for you all to watch here?  Ummm….  no.

On to other things…  I have been meaning to share this with everyone since Christmas.  The Lady Friend and I give each other traditional wrapped presents but as many people do we also stuff goodies into stockings for each other.  It’s all under this bizarre ruse of Santa, as if he is taking time to visit the house of a 40 year old swearing, drinking a-hole in Minnesota who doesn’t have any kids.  Lucky me!

This year in my stocking there was a square wrapped present.  I opened it up and started laughing immediately.  It was a scented candle.  What is so funny about a scented candle?  Take a look at the packaging:

Peeewwwwww!

My Lady Friend desgined the entire thing, printed it out and wrapped it around the candle like it was store bought.  I honestly didn’t know it was NOT store bought until she told me.  I told her we should mass produce those labels, slap them on some cheap candles and sell them as novelties!

Ok, maybe that’s not the best idea I have ever had, but this was a brilliant gift.  It’s sitting right next to me and my spot on the couch.  I refuse to say whether or not it has been lit.

SD

P.S.  Any of you who find me even slightly amusing should know the Lady Friend is far funnier.  And she’s creative to boot!  Maybe I’ll talk her into writing another blog post for me in the near future.

Every year we strive to be better people than we were the previous year and every year we fail.  Ok, I guess I’m only speaking for myself when I say that.  Maybe you don’t fail.  Maybe everything you wish for comes true and everything you set out to achieve comes through.  Lucky bastard.

Exactly.

Fine, I can’t say I fail every year, but over the course of my life I’ve tried to make various improvements via resolution from one year to the next… with mixed results.  Things like losing weight or getting into better shape.  Or finding a job I love that pays a million bucks per year while only requiring me to work about 20 hours each week.

I have written here in the past about making New Years Suggestions as opposed to resolutions.  Suggestions are different than resolutions in that if you don’t stick to them you don’t have to feel any guilt.  Not that you should feel guilt over a failed vow to cut back on the chocolate or stop “nagging” your spouse so much.  I mean, if they’d listen to you once in awhile you wouldn’t have to nag right?  Sheesh.

But for once I think I succeeded in making my life better in 2012 than it was in 2011.  Think about three of the major things in a person’s life:  their house, their job and the one they love.  In each case I made an improvement.

No I didn’t dump my Lady Friend for a younger model…. I’ll get to my improvement regarding her later.

But we did buy a new house together.  A house that’s much bigger than the town home we were living in up until June.  We’re very happy here and it didn’t take long at all for the place to feel like “home” to us.

I also got a raise at work.  Not the big raise I was hoping for (or deserved) but at least it was something.  And at the end of the day I like my job so I’ll probably stick around for awhile.

That brings us back to the Lady Friend.  This was the last major change 2012 brought me, having happened just last week.  We got engaged.  Yep, I am going to make the Lady Friend an honest…  Lady.  At this (ahem) later stage in life we decided a small, very simple ceremony is best for us.  And we plan to have it this summer, probably early June.

So I guess 2013 will bring another new change with her too.  I won’t be able to keep calling her my Lady Friend will I?

Better start thinking of a new nickname….  Wifey?  Ball And Chain?  Better Half?  The One Who Tells Me To Stop Farting So Damn Much?

Yeah…  that one might be it.  Thatreminds me… she got me a hilarious present for Christmas.  I’ll try to take a photo if it and share it with you next time.

SD

I’m going to be a bit scarce here this week.  We close on our house today at 1pm and that’s when the craziness starts.  We have to be moved out of the town home and have it all cleaned up and ready for our renters by Thursday night.  Time to see what kind of crazy shit is growing under the couch… ewww!

As it is the house is currently a jumbled mass of boxes – the dog is kind of freaked out.

Since we may have a day or two without internet I probably won’t have a new post this week but will still be on Twitter @TheSimpleDude if any of you want to hit me up.  Maybe I’ll even tweet a pic or two of the new place.

HOWEVER….  I have a special treat for you tomorrow.  I’m re-posting something I wrote when I moved in with my Lady Friend back in October 2010.  Lots of you are new since then, and I think you’ll like it, it’s funny and one of my all time favorite posts.

I’ll tease you with this… there is something all Dudes have had at some point in their lives, and at some point you were forced to make a decision on what to do with it.  What is it?

A box of porn.

Yep, I went there.  Oh, and yes I know some of you ladies have a box of porn too.  At least the cool ones do anyway.  Come back tomorrow to find out what I did with mine.

SD

As I have mentioned a time or two, my Lady Friend and I bought a house together and are moving soon.  Next week to be exact.  She will keep her town home and rent it out – I still have my house I lived in before moving in with her, which I am also renting out.  This is a good thing since both of our homes aren’t worth squat right now with the housing market being what it is.  But that also means we’re getting a STEAL on our new place.

I have moved a lot in my adult life, about a dozen times in the last 18 years or so.  And man does it SUCK.  Almost all of those moves occurred back in my 20’s though.. I have been much more stable lately just moving twice in the last 8 years.

This will be the Lady Friend and I next week... who wants to help?

However, during that time many of my friends have moved.  Some have added kids to their families and needed a bigger place.  Others have gone through a divorce (oops) and needed a smaller space.

Often on the days they moved I was busy with work, family stuff or some other crap.  At least they think I was.  There may have been occasional days where I made up some work excuse to get out of helping a buddy move.  I wouldn’t put something like that past me.

And now here I am, faced with a big move myself and forced to ask friends for help.  Friends who I have shunned, some of them multiple times.  Friends who would probably never say it out loud, but probably hold some slight resentment towards me and my shunning ways.

And no, we’re not hiring a mover – although that would be the smart thing to do.  Since we just have a town home we figured we’d do it ourselves…  which may be precisely what we’re forced to do!

My past laziness is coming back to bite me in the ass…  anyone out there have a truck and some free time?

SD