The Reality Of Valentines Day

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 14-02-2013

Sometime struck me yesterday.  I decided that I am sick of people complaining about Valentines Day being commercialized.  Sure, it can be a little annoying, but I discovered it doesn’t piss me off the way it used to.

The reason is money.  EVERYTHING in modern society is commercialized.  It’s the world we live in.  If someone out there can make a buck off something someone else is doing, they’re gonna do it.  Simple as that.

If the company that pays your check doesn’t commercialize something somewhere, it’s only because they don’t have the opportunity do so.  And as long as it’s not illegal or unethical you should not fault a company in free society that wants to make money.  ESPECIALLY one that pays you.

The same people that whine about the over commercialization of this holiday are the same people who tell everyone to “SHHHHH” when the commercials come on during the Super Bowl.  Listen here genius… it’s the same thing.

Corporate America is going to do what they are going to do.  And Valentines Day, like every other day in your life, is what YOU choose to make it.

So….  after getting that off my chest…  In the immortal words of the comic mastermind Rodney Dangerfield:

Right?  Enough said.

Hope every one  of you has exactly the kind of Valentines Day you want to have and not the kind the greeting card companies and florists want you to have.



Another Entry On The Long List Of Things That Piss Me Off

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays, Random Simplicity | Posted on 05-02-2013

I saw this over the weekend, just down the street from my house… pardon the bad, grainy photo.   I snapped it with my cell phone while slowly driving by.  Plus it was, you know, dark.  Duh.

This is NOT COOL in February.

This is NOT COOL in February.

If he still has his Christmas lights on this coming weekend I have permission to take the hedge clippers and shred the friggin’ things right?  I never would have thought I could get irritated by Christmas lights.  Six weeks ago I thought his house looked nice.  Now I want to punch him square in the balls.

What is it about some a-hole leaving his lights up too long that enrages me??  Am I the only one who feels like this?



NOSE Offense?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays, Lady Friend | Posted on 08-01-2013

First of all I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words and condolences..  oops I mean congratulations on my engagement to my Lady Friend.  As of last week we’ve been together over four years, living together for more than two and generally happy with each other for a good couple months.  So why the hell not get engaged?!

We’re going to tie the knot this summer in a very small, Simple ceremony.  What else would you expect?  I’m sure I’ll share more with all of you as the date approaches and we start to make plans.  Maybe I should live VLOG the wedding for you all to watch here?  Ummm….  no.

On to other things…  I have been meaning to share this with everyone since Christmas.  The Lady Friend and I give each other traditional wrapped presents but as many people do we also stuff goodies into stockings for each other.  It’s all under this bizarre ruse of Santa, as if he is taking time to visit the house of a 40 year old swearing, drinking a-hole in Minnesota who doesn’t have any kids.  Lucky me!

This year in my stocking there was a square wrapped present.  I opened it up and started laughing immediately.  It was a scented candle.  What is so funny about a scented candle?  Take a look at the packaging:



My Lady Friend desgined the entire thing, printed it out and wrapped it around the candle like it was store bought.  I honestly didn’t know it was NOT store bought until she told me.  I told her we should mass produce those labels, slap them on some cheap candles and sell them as novelties!

Ok, maybe that’s not the best idea I have ever had, but this was a brilliant gift.  It’s sitting right next to me and my spot on the couch.  I refuse to say whether or not it has been lit.


P.S.  Any of you who find me even slightly amusing should know the Lady Friend is far funnier.  And she’s creative to boot!  Maybe I’ll talk her into writing another blog post for me in the near future.


New Years Eve – A Simple Dude’s Poem

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 31-12-2012

You have almost made it, another year into the books.

Just don’t be a drunken fool tonight and earn dirty looks.

In 2012 I laughed, I cried and drank lots of beer.

I still complain, but really, it was a pretty good year.

Starting tomorrow I’ll work out, eat less and maybe stop drinking.

And while saying that, if you look closely, you may catch me winking.

I look forward to every year, another chapter in life’s folder.

I’d be even more excited if I wasn’t forced to grow older.

Hopefully all of you are feeling the same way,

Smiling and laughing as we head towards a better day.

And do what you will on this New Years Eve night,

Join me in tipping a glass…  because everything is alright.


Happy New Year kids!

Cut me some slack on this poetic attempt, I wrote it in about 10 minutes (barely awake) before leaving for work this morning.  Yes, I have to work at least a half day or so.  And yes,  it does suck.


The Only Christmas Songs That Matter.. To Me

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays, Music | Posted on 24-12-2012

I am a music savant.  Not in terms of playing or singing – I’d have better luck carrying a pickup truck then carrying a tune.  But I’m good at recognizing who sings a song, especially from the 1960′s to 1990′s.  In a few notes I can usually tell you who sang it, the year it came out, the album it’s from and some stupid useless fact about the band.

It’s both a gift and a curse… I used to get texts from friends all the time asking who sang some random song they heard somewhere.  Thankfully that has slowed down.  Now I just get texts from friends too stupid to download the Shazaam app.

I got one of those texts yesterday from a friend wanting to know about a Christmas song, which made me think about all my holiday favorites.  I like old classics, but for some reason my favorites are less traditional.  Although each of these still get a stocking-load of radio airplay this time of year so if you like Christmas music at all you’ll know these.

Here are my top five favorites… even though I’m already sick of this music!

5. Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas

It’s a group of mostly British singers who were among the most popular performers in the world when it came out in 1984.  The lyrics of this song are good, though not great.  But what matters about this song is the message, which is still important today.


4. Nat King Cole – The Christmas Song

This is the only “classic” song on this list because I couldn’t bring myself to leave it off.  There are lots of versions of The Christmas Song, but it’s perfect for Nat’s voice.  You know… he was too good of a singer to deserve being named after a tiny annoying bug.


3. The Eagles – Please Come Home For Christmas

I love The Eagles.  They are one of my favorite bands of all time and they do a great version of this old Bluesy Christmas tune.  It’s one of the few holiday songs I can listen to any time of year without getting all pissy.


2. Bruce Springsteen – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

There are not many singers out there cooler than The Boss and his take on this classic is a perfect example of that.  The fact that it’s live is what does it… I love how Bruce  starts laughing while “Santa” is doing his Ho Ho Ho thing.  Side note, Santa sure loves his Ho’s doesn’t he?


1. John Lennon – Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

Few songs can bring tears to my eyes, but this one can.  Despite living through some turbulent times, John Lennon still saw beauty in the world and always had optimism for peace and love.  He made the world a better place.  As simple as it is, this song makes me want to believe that peace is possible, and maybe… just maybe… war will truly be over in 2013.

Honorable mentions that just missed the cut… Elvis – Blue Christmas, Bruce Springsteen – Merry Christmas Baby, Brenda Lee – Jingle Bell Rock and Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime.  What did I miss?

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

P.S.  and go check out my new humor book.  You knew that was coming right?

It’s My Ho Ho Home

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays, House | Posted on 05-12-2012

A few weeks ago the Lady Friend and I decided to attempt something that neither of us have ever done.  At least not on our own.

Put up Christmas lights.

I would not like a house like this. Well.. ok, maybe just a little.

We both like Christmas lights, but between laziness (on my part) or living in town homes / apartments (on her part) we never had the opportunity to do it in the past.  And now having our house together, and this being our first holiday season living in this house, we decided to give it a try.  Though at 5pm last Saturday I was regretting this decision big time.

For starters, when we were still talking about putting up lights the weather was warm, unseasonably so.  Like late September nice, even though it was actually late November.  Then by the time I got around to actually doing it the weather had turned – including one day with a high temp of about 20 degrees.  Ironically this past Monday, the day AFTER we put the finishing touches on the lights the temp was back to 60 degrees.  Figures.

But the finger freezing, ladder slipping, icy roof weather was only part of the reason I was pissed.  It was the indecision that really bugged me.  The Lady Friend and I both were to blame since we had never done this before.  Lights went up, lights came down.  Then more lights went up, followed by those coming down to be moved elsewhere.

The Lady Friend and I don’t fight.  We just don’t.  Whenever one us is being irritating we call them out on it, which usually results in us laughing about it.  It’s probably the only relationship I have ever been in with this kind of track record.  And Saturday put us to the test.

But I got over it and the end result was a house we’re pretty happy with.  We wanted subtle – no Clark Griswold Christmas Vacation shit here.  And I think we got it.

Simple and Subtle. Just like me.

Especially considering this was our first time – we really had no idea what we wanted until we saw it hanging.  It would be complete with lights around the garage doors but with vinyl siding and a vinyl door frame I will need to get really creative in how they are hung.  Maybe next year, as I get closer to Griswold status.

If you look really close you can see TOWPO (The One Who Poops Outside) the dog sitting in the window of the front door wondering what the hell her two owners are doing standing in the middle of the damn street.

Now if we could only get some SNOW then it would actually look like Christmas.  If we do I’ll share another photo.

Ohh…. and one more thing.  Head on over to to see another excerpt from my new humor book 101 Things To Do Before The Apocalypse.  And remember, bloggers can get a FREE copy!  Click here for details.



Happy Halloweenie!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 31-10-2012

Happy Halloween kiddies…  hope you scare up some candy.  Or have a hauntingly productive day at work.  Or maybe a frighteningly easy commute.  Or…  just get laid.  After all, it’s also hump day.

Last weekend I went to a costume party at a friend ‘s house – a party I have attended every year for much of the last decade.  This party started out small in the early years.  He would invite 50 people but only 8 would show up.  It was sad.  But I stuck with it and now the party has nearly outgrown his house.  I’d say, conservatively he must have had 60 – 70 people there throughout the night.

There is a reason so many people go.  This dude is batty over Halloween.  Every single inch of his house is decked out with props, decorations, ghosts, ghouls, food and booze.  Lots of booze.  Plus every year he has some unique feature.  Last year he had this cool spooky backdrop and professional lighting for everyone to get their picture taken.

This year it was a stripper pole.  No, I did not hop up on it – though it was tempting.  Unfortunately it was getting more use from the dudes at the party than the dudettes.

Another unique feature this year was a system of TV monitors connected together that rotated through photos people would take on their phones and send to an email address.  By emailing them to this address, they were automatically added into the rotation.

Myself and a couple buddies being the asses that we are, decided to email some non party pics as well, that just happened to be on my phone.

Pictures like these cheese curds:

The only thing scary about these is what they do to me.

Or these weirdos:

Look deep into my eyes… my sexy, sexy eyes.

Imagine Trick or Treating at this guy’s house.

and lastly…  a big blue ribbon winning chicken:

Big chickens = Big chicken McNuggets

So imagine seeing pictures of yourself and all the other costumed people at the party rotating through like a slideshow.  Then suddenly a giant chicken appears on the screen.  Needless to say, it made us laugh.

And now… it’s time for me to have my breakfast and head on in to work.  What’s for breakfast you ask?

What else did you expect?