You know what I am really good at? Other than complaining? Sleeping. You know what I am not so good at? Falling asleep. I’ve never been one of those “asleep before my head hits the pillow” kind of people. The amount of time I lie there TRYING to sleep before ACTUALLY sleeping ranges from 15 – 60 minutes. In extreme cases in can be a few hours, with me getting up an watching TV, reading or surfing the internet in between bouts of tossing and turning. But I won’t surf porn. Porn in the dead of the night is just creepy!
When I do sleep, I dream. Vivid, bizarre, often humorous dreams of the most random shit you can imagine. I’ve always remembered my dreams which can be both a good thing and a disturbing thing. And the things I find funny in my dreams are generally stupid as hell when I wake up – even by my own immature humor standards.
I can’t count how many times I have thought to myself in those first moments after waking that I need to write down something I said or did in a dream because it was so damn funny. Then as reality creeps in and I become a little more alert I realize it’s not funny. At all. Like a farting duck.
Ok, you got me, that never happened… I can only WISH I’d dream about something as funny as a farting duck.
But this week I had a couple funny dreams that stood up to the bright lights of the next day. One of them involved the Lady Friend and myself in Vegas. Have I mentioned Vegas is one of my favorite cities in the world. It is. I’ve been there about a dozen times and am always itching to go back. In this dream we were wandering around the casino where we were staying and stumbled onto a small hole in the floor. Inside this hole was a wad of cash. As any sane person would do, I quickly grabbed the cash. I didn’t bother counting, just stuffing it in my pocket as quickly and nonchalantly as possible.
Then I noticed a dude all the way across the casino coming towards me – he’d seen me snag the money. Even from quite a distance this guy looked unsavory. He was the stereotypical mafia type: big, dumb, mean and ugly. Not the kind of dude you want to mess with. So we got the hell out of there darting and dodging between slot machines and people. I knew he was far enough away that he didn’t get a good look at either of us so I told the Lady Friend to head to up our room while I hit the streets to lose him that way. I had the money and he saw me grab it so I knew he would follow me.. which he did.
Out on the strip this guy kept following, though still from a distance as I can be pretty quick when being chased by a thug! I quickly ran around a corner and into the side door of a casino before this hoodlum could see where I went. My first thought was GET RID OF THIS CASH. Anyone who has ever been in a casino knows that a quick way to do that would be to put it into a slot machine and then “cash out” to get one of those receipts you bring to the cashier. At least I wouldn’t have a wad of cash on me anymore. But no… I decided I wanted to spend it on food. Lots of food. All that running made me hungry so I stopped at every food stand, eating everything I could. Then in my dream wisdom I decided I needed a costume so I bought a giant wig, some bright goofy clothes and over-sized sunglasses.
This idea worked… I walked right past the bad dude who was standing on the corner looking for me. When I got back to the hotel room my Lady Friend was pissed off at me for spending all the money (along with some of my own) on that random crap. I guess me being alive wasn’t good enough for her.
Then I woke up, giggling.