30
Colder Than A Witch’s…
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Family, Random Simplicity | Posted on 30-01-2013
I used to always joke around that if there is a Heaven… and I am lucky enough to be let in the front gates, there is something I need to do immediately.
No I won’t hug my grandparents, parents or old pets from when I was kid. And I won’t stop to ask God why my taste buds loved cheese so much, despite my digestive system never being a fan. All those things can wait.
The first order of business for when I cross through the pearly gates is to go looking for my older ancestors. Probably my great-great-great grandparents. And when I find them? I’m going to punch them right in the nose.
Why the animosity? Because these people got up and left their homes in Europe. Most likely Germany and Norway based on my bloodlines. They left these cold, snowy climates in search of a better life so they crossed the Atlantic ocean with the hopes of finding their own American dream. And where did they decide to settle once they landed in the new world? In a place that is even colder and snowier than where they came from.
These people had their choice to live anywhere they wanted. Florida, Arizona.. hell they could have taken a boat to Hawaii if they really wanted to. But nooooo… they decided Minnesota was the place to be!
So here I am. Yes I know I am a grown-ass man (as the kids say) and have free will to move. But I’m lazy. The point is these people chose to live somewhere with a miserable climate when they had the whole damn country laid out in front of them. They deserve a punch in the mouth. And maybe a quick knee to the balls.
To prove my point… last week on my way to work I took this photo of the temperature gauge in my truck:
Your eyes freeze open at this temp.
Yeah, it reads -10. That’s 10 degrees below zero. Fahrenheit! For you Canadians that’s like -109 Celsius or some shit like that. I thought it was worthy of a photo. That is until the next morning as I was heading in to work and saw this:
And at this temp your teeth can cut glass.
-12 degree Fahrenheit. Or -145 Celsius… give or take a few degrees. That is balls-climbing-back-up-inside-you cold right there.
The weird thing is that five days earlier it was 40 degrees here, and back to 40 on Monday of this week. Now they’re predicting lows of -10 again for tomorrow.
Friggin’ ancestors.
SD
OMG I thought my Dad was the only person on earth who used the expression it’s colder than a witch’s tit.
Just Keepin’ It Real Folks recently posted: An Oldie But Goodie
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@8:32 am
I was a bit luckier. Mine settled in Maryland. I liked it ok but I moved to Northern CA. It’s pretty nice… hee, hee…
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@9:26 am
My grandparents had it right when they crossed the pond and settled in Southern California, but then my parents got some weird notion to move to the Midwest and now I’m stuck in the same drastic temperature swings. I tried to move back out West, but it’s just too damn expensive out there for me and my piddly Midwestern wages to save up for.
Kelli Hale recently posted: A Taxing Experience
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@10:00 am
@JustKeepinItReal: I think you need to experience Minnesota to really appreciate that saying. Or just hear them say it in the movie Grumpy Old Men – that’s a pretty good snapshot of life up here in the winter!
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@12:03 pm
Ha ha, I always wondered why some places have any habitation at all. “Really? You chose here to live?” I’m from Ireland; work sent me to live in Oregon: they essentially moved me from Ireland to Ireland, or Oregon to Oregon. Jerks.
thedavidcmurphy recently posted: Life of Pie
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@12:16 pm
I whine if it goes below -5 Celsius.
Kind of reminds me of talking to customers in Saskatchewan. I had one tell me you know it’s cold when you sit down on your car seat and it’s solid.
My Half Assed Life recently posted: Immortality And Proof I’ve Always Been A Ditz
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@9:11 pm
Not that I’ve experienced coldness so cold that my balls I climbed back up inside (simply because of a fact that ladies do not have balls… even though we say we do) but it’s shit like this that makes me happy that some day soon (in a year or two) I’m moving back to the best place on earth.
California.
And you can suck my dick. (Ladies sometimes say we have these, too. For dramatic affect – of course) I’ll tweet you from San Diego in a few months…. thankfully I get a July vacation from life. Suck on that. (Overall ladies just like to tell males to suck shit)
Seattle Sitter recently posted: Excuse me, but what’s the point?
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@9:25 pm
I have had a similar thought so often. My ancestors moved from Scotland. Why, oh why didn’t they move someplace warm and sunny?
Judy, Judy, Judy recently posted: Still Going Strong
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@9:29 pm
My ancestors were Scots Irish, the people who always chose the poorest land on which to stop. The South is not a bad place to live, weatherwise, if you like living in a rainforest that sometimes freezes in the winter.
How about ‘colder than a witch’s elbow’?
Posted on: Jan/30/2013@10:01 pm
Ps. I’ve changed my site. Since It’s a little less nanny-ish and more word vomit of my life.
Title fits me better. And I’m happier with life.
Ps. Did not think about how it affects links. So. Could you give me another shout out? Same blog, same chick, different better awesomer name
(ex Seattle Sitter) recently posted: Excuse me, but what’s the point?
Posted on: Jan/31/2013@3:51 pm
Isn’t yo-yo season fantastic? I’m just glad I’m not too close to a lake, as I’m sure the wind coming off that thing can’t add to the fun…
Brandon, from My Own Private Idaho recently posted: 90′s Kids How-To: Remember JOSTA?
Posted on: Feb/1/2013@12:51 pm
You can move any place you like. I just heard a term down here in the south that was new to me. Some friends from PA were in South GA but are moving to NC. They were referred to as halfbacks. They moved South and now they are moving half way back. NC would suit you but don’t ever dream of Fl or South GA. I am a native and long time residence of South GA and you would never last there. The gnats look like turkey buzzards and they will peel the lips off your face before you can spit hard. Mosquitoes mate with turkeys and stand flat foot while they’re doing it. I recently moved to Athens, GA and when spring comes, if I see the first damned gnat, I’m going into the North GA mountains. I would rather fight bears than gnats.
Ben Swilley recently posted: When Did Clementines become “Cuties”
Posted on: Feb/4/2013@6:47 pm
I live in Norway and tbh, you’d suffer much more here! It’s been between -15 and -25 these last couple of weeks so a measly -10 is not worth complaining about.
Anyhow, I just discovered your blogs and I think it’s super funny. Now I have something to do the next couple of hours.
Posted on: Feb/5/2013@2:00 am