Colder Than A Witch’s…

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Family, Random Simplicity | Posted on 30-01-2013

I used to always joke around that if there is a Heaven… and I am lucky enough to be let in the front gates, there is something I need to do immediately.

No I won’t hug my grandparents, parents or old pets from when I was kid.  And I won’t stop to ask God why my taste buds loved cheese so much, despite my digestive system never being a fan.  All those things can wait.

The first order of business for when I cross through the pearly gates is to go looking for my older ancestors.  Probably my great-great-great grandparents.  And when I find them?  I’m going to punch them right in the nose.

Why the animosity?  Because these people got up and left their homes in Europe.  Most likely Germany and Norway based on my bloodlines.  They left these cold, snowy climates in search of a better life so they crossed the Atlantic ocean with the hopes of finding their own American dream.  And where did they decide to settle once they landed in the new world?  In a place that is even colder and snowier than where they came from.

These people had their choice to live anywhere they wanted.  Florida, Arizona.. hell they could have taken a boat to Hawaii if they really wanted to.  But nooooo…  they decided Minnesota was the place to be!

So here I am.  Yes I know I am a grown-ass man (as the kids say) and have free will to move.  But I’m lazy.  The point is these people chose to live somewhere with a miserable climate when they had the whole damn country laid out in front of them.  They deserve a punch in the mouth.  And maybe a quick knee to the balls.

To prove my point… last week on my way to work I took this photo of the temperature gauge in my truck:

WayTooCold

Your eyes freeze open at this temp.

Yeah, it reads -10.  That’s 10 degrees below zero.  Fahrenheit!  For you Canadians that’s like -109 Celsius or some shit like that.  I thought it was worthy of a photo.  That is until the next morning as I was heading in to work and saw this:

ColdAsHell

And at this temp your teeth can cut glass.

-12 degree Fahrenheit.  Or -145 Celsius… give or take a few degrees.  That is balls-climbing-back-up-inside-you cold right there.

The weird thing is that five days earlier it was 40 degrees here, and back to 40 on Monday of this week.  Now they’re predicting lows of -10 again for tomorrow.

Friggin’ ancestors.

SD

 

Speed Hump? Is There Any Other Way?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in TV | Posted on 27-01-2013

The other day I was watching some crappy show on MTV.  I know that doesn’t narrow it down as almost every show on MTV is crappy.  What exactly the show was doesn’t matter at all.. it’s bad enough that I even have to admit to watching something on MTV.

But while watching this 30 minute huge waste of time I saw something that made me laugh out loud.. and you know me, I had to pause the TV and take a pic:

Now this is a road sign I can obey.

Now this is a road sign I can obey.

The sign is obviously warning people about a Speed Bump.  You see signs like that all the time.  But what the eff is a Speed HUMP?

Is that some sort of drive through brothel?

Maybe it’s a turbo-charged camel?

To be honest, the concept of the Speed Hump is not new to me at all.  If you were to ask my Lady Friend she would tell you I am a master of the Speed Hump.

Everyone has their specialties I guess.

SD

Everyone You Know Is A Liar

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Food | Posted on 22-01-2013

We are a misleading society.  It may be a popular saying, but one thing we certainly don’t do is “tell it like it is.”  Because the truth is usually not enough.  Not enough to get “it” done, whatever “it” happens to be.

You could be satisfying your boss by telling him you’ve accomplished more work on a certain project than you actually have.  You do this because you’re lazy and don’t want everyone to find out.

Or maybe you’re bragging to friends about the fish you caught, the deal you snagged at the outlet mall or the number of miles you ran this weekend.  For about 80% of the population you can take whatever number they are telling you and subtract 10 – 15% if you want to narrow in on the truth.

If you’ve done the online dating thing you understand this too.  People will tell you they have a certain body type, a certain income range or a certain amount of hair (on their head or body) and often these are distorted versions of reality.  In situations where you get to see this mystery person’s picture, the photo they share is taken in perfect lighting or taken from the perfect angle.  And it’s usually 8 – 10 years old.

It’s what we do.  We mislead.  We are a bunch of pricks.

It’s not limited to bragging, online dating or pulling the wool over the eyes of our boss.  Complete strangers mislead us every day, people we’ll never meet or have any contact with whatsoever.  No, I’m not talking about scum sucking politicians, though they are a special kind of misleading bullshitters.

I’m taking about food companies.  I myself was duped just the other day.  I bought a little instant meal thing at the grocery store with the intention of bringing it to work for lunch.  The picture on the box looked good…  sort of a Ramen noodle knock off but with actual flavor.

How do you screw up Ramen noodles??

How do you screw up Ramen noodles??

But NOOOO….  As you can see by the actual bowl, my meal didn’t come anywhere close to matching the photo on the box.  And it tasted like crap too.  It was more like cardboard flavored Ramen.  There are few things as disappointing in life as having the lunch you brought to work turn out to be bad.  You feel cheated out of your money AND you’re left being hungry for the rest of the day.

That is unless you steal a coworker’s lunch and blame someone else.  You know, keep the deception thing going in a “pay it forward” kind of way.

Liars… every one of us.

SD

P.S. Check out this new Blogger who just started following me: Seattle Sitter.  She swears, bitches and judges everyone she meets.  And seems to have no filter whatsoever.  Is it possible I have a twin sister I never knew about?

 

Here Comes The Bride…zilla.

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Lady Friend | Posted on 15-01-2013

As mentioned here a few weeks ago, the Lady Friend and I are now engaged.  After I wrote that post as well as the one about the toot candle last week, I thought it would be a good idea to have her write a post.  A post about HER side of the whole getting married story.  

I have to say… after reading it.  I’m a bit scared.  Here she is:

HERE COMES THE BRIDE

by the Lady Friend

I’m sure you’ve all heard the bad news by now. Yeah, I’m tying the knot. Wait, did I write bad news?

After seeing life as I know it slowly slip away, I couldn’t help but think of the things I will no longer be able to do or say once I’ve made that fateful step. For example, sarcastically telling my married friends with kids… “Yeah, really sucks that I’m unmarried without kids and get to do whatever I want every day,” is a thing of the past.

Same goes for the times I’m asked to do housework and boldly reply, “Do you see a ring on my finger?” And what about when Brad Pitt’s car breaks down and he stops by to use the phone? I won’t be able to answer the door in my best Victoria’s Secret lingerie, “Husband? Oh I’m not married, please, come on in.”

But in all reality, it’s not THAT bad. After all, I now have the means to finally be the Bridezilla I’ve aspired to be.

I'm screwed right?

I’m screwed right?

During the next few months I plan to make my wedding the most significant event of 2013. First thing is to refer to it as MY wedding, because it is after all MY day. The statement “you will not ruin MY wedding!” shall be uttered numerous times over the next few months and can occur at any moment on the actual wedding day.
My plan is to run this shindig as if it’s my own personal empire and each person in my bridal party is an unpaid intern.

All plans for a bridal shower and bachelorette party will be micro-managed by me — no decisions will be made without my prior approval. Each of these parties will be held in inconvenient locations on absurd dates and times that are only convenient to me.

I will schedule the bridesmaid dress fitting for a day where an ice storm is expected. This fitting, of course, will occur five months before the actual wedding and my expectation will be that the dresses appropriately fit. I will insist that no one gains weight and for those who cannot fit into a size 4 or smaller will be forced to lose weight by all means necessary.

Two weeks before the bachelorette party is to take place, I will be changing it’s destination to be somewhere out of state, maybe Vegas? I will expect everyone to drop what they are doing, pay for their flight, and make this trip memorable.

Registering for gifts will be an experience since I’ll pick out everything that’s difficult to find in local area stores. Everything on the list will be chosen by yours truly, for yours truly.  SD can be happy with his old underpants full of holes and a 20-year old drill that barely works.

I’m sure you all have at least one bridezilla story with some bride uttering… “This is MY wedding, we’ll do it the way I want!” and now it’s my time.  :)

 

Uh oh.  I’m assuming she’s kidding… sort of…  she has to be right? 

SD

 

Creepy Baby

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity, Weekends | Posted on 12-01-2013

I’m half-assing it this weekend.  Why?  Because I can.  A few years ago I invented the Half-Assed Weekend post to let bloggers off the hook of coming up with something interesting to write on the weekends.  As a blogger you probably know your posts only get about half the views and comments on the weekends as they do during the week.  So I say you should only put half the effort into those posts.

Oddly enough, my Half-Assed Weekend posts have been some of my best.  Hmmm….

A few months ago the Lady Friend and I took a little weekend getaway to southern Minnesota and visited a bed and breakfast.  Normally those are not my kind of places because you feel like you’re sleeping in some stranger’s spare room.  Awkward!  Especially because I tend to sleepwalk naked.  But it actually turned out ok and we had a good time.

This little town has lots of quaint shops, cafes and coffee joints so we wandered around one of the days.  While in a little shop on the town’s main street I walked around the corner and had this thing scare the shit out of me:

Yikes!

Yikes!

It is meant to be a hanger for baby clothes but the damn thing also looks like a baby.  A flat, ugly, chubby, creepy baby.  I quickly snapped a photo then got the hell out of there, worried that it was going to jump down off it’s hook and follow me.

Now it’s going to haunt you in your dreams.  You’re welcome!

Have a great weekend!

SD

 

NOSE Offense?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays, Lady Friend | Posted on 08-01-2013

First of all I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words and condolences..  oops I mean congratulations on my engagement to my Lady Friend.  As of last week we’ve been together over four years, living together for more than two and generally happy with each other for a good couple months.  So why the hell not get engaged?!

We’re going to tie the knot this summer in a very small, Simple ceremony.  What else would you expect?  I’m sure I’ll share more with all of you as the date approaches and we start to make plans.  Maybe I should live VLOG the wedding for you all to watch here?  Ummm….  no.

On to other things…  I have been meaning to share this with everyone since Christmas.  The Lady Friend and I give each other traditional wrapped presents but as many people do we also stuff goodies into stockings for each other.  It’s all under this bizarre ruse of Santa, as if he is taking time to visit the house of a 40 year old swearing, drinking a-hole in Minnesota who doesn’t have any kids.  Lucky me!

This year in my stocking there was a square wrapped present.  I opened it up and started laughing immediately.  It was a scented candle.  What is so funny about a scented candle?  Take a look at the packaging:

Peeewwwwww!

Peeewwwwww!

My Lady Friend desgined the entire thing, printed it out and wrapped it around the candle like it was store bought.  I honestly didn’t know it was NOT store bought until she told me.  I told her we should mass produce those labels, slap them on some cheap candles and sell them as novelties!

Ok, maybe that’s not the best idea I have ever had, but this was a brilliant gift.  It’s sitting right next to me and my spot on the couch.  I refuse to say whether or not it has been lit.

SD

P.S.  Any of you who find me even slightly amusing should know the Lady Friend is far funnier.  And she’s creative to boot!  Maybe I’ll talk her into writing another blog post for me in the near future.

 

New Year. Ch-Ch-Changes.

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in House, Lady Friend, Work | Posted on 03-01-2013

Every year we strive to be better people than we were the previous year and every year we fail.  Ok, I guess I’m only speaking for myself when I say that.  Maybe you don’t fail.  Maybe everything you wish for comes true and everything you set out to achieve comes through.  Lucky bastard.

Exactly.

Fine, I can’t say I fail every year, but over the course of my life I’ve tried to make various improvements via resolution from one year to the next… with mixed results.  Things like losing weight or getting into better shape.  Or finding a job I love that pays a million bucks per year while only requiring me to work about 20 hours each week.

I have written here in the past about making New Years Suggestions as opposed to resolutions.  Suggestions are different than resolutions in that if you don’t stick to them you don’t have to feel any guilt.  Not that you should feel guilt over a failed vow to cut back on the chocolate or stop “nagging” your spouse so much.  I mean, if they’d listen to you once in awhile you wouldn’t have to nag right?  Sheesh.

But for once I think I succeeded in making my life better in 2012 than it was in 2011.  Think about three of the major things in a person’s life:  their house, their job and the one they love.  In each case I made an improvement.

No I didn’t dump my Lady Friend for a younger model…. I’ll get to my improvement regarding her later.

But we did buy a new house together.  A house that’s much bigger than the town home we were living in up until June.  We’re very happy here and it didn’t take long at all for the place to feel like “home” to us.

I also got a raise at work.  Not the big raise I was hoping for (or deserved) but at least it was something.  And at the end of the day I like my job so I’ll probably stick around for awhile.

That brings us back to the Lady Friend.  This was the last major change 2012 brought me, having happened just last week.  We got engaged.  Yep, I am going to make the Lady Friend an honest…  Lady.  At this (ahem) later stage in life we decided a small, very simple ceremony is best for us.  And we plan to have it this summer, probably early June.

So I guess 2013 will bring another new change with her too.  I won’t be able to keep calling her my Lady Friend will I?

Better start thinking of a new nickname….  Wifey?  Ball And Chain?  Better Half?  The One Who Tells Me To Stop Farting So Damn Much?

Yeah…  that one might be it.  Thatreminds me… she got me a hilarious present for Christmas.  I’ll try to take a photo if it and share it with you next time.

SD