Random Thought Thursday

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity, Vacation | Posted on 29-11-2012

I haven’t written a random thought post in awhile but there have been some floating around in my head for a week or two, just begging to be shared with the world.  And now I can’t hold them in any longer… the time has come for me to let one loose on all of you.  Hmm…  that’s actually very similar to what I tell my Lady Friend right before breaking wind.

 

If all goes well the Lady Friend and I are taking a vacation this winter – hopefully in February.  I love flying because just about every time I do I am going somewhere fun.  Luckily I rarely have to travel for work so anytime I’m getting on a plane it’s somewhere I am CHOOSING to go.

But before you get on the plane, there are those anxious moments when you’re about to start your vacation.  You are sitting at the airport, waiting at the gate for them to call your row to board the plane.  On our next trip, while we are sitting there at the gate surrounded by other people starting their vacations I will unleash something upon those unsuspecting travelers.

No, not break wind.  I’m going to break into song.  Not just any song..  an appropriate song.  Time For Me To Fly by REO Speedwagon.

I may even throw on a nice big white dude afro wig like REO’s Kevin Cronin was sporting in this video.  Though unfortunately, his was not a wig.  This outburst in the airport terminal will make a couple people laugh.  It will also irritate a few people.  And then there will be those who are just plain frightened by this singing nutcase, knowing they are sharing a flight with him.

And it’s one of THOSE people who I hope I get seated next to because I’ll continue humming the song softly to myself for the entire flight.  Or at least until the Lady Friend gets pissed and elbows me in the ribs.  Who am I kidding, she’ll probably do that before we even board.

On a different topic…   have you been to my new website www.101Apocalypse.com?  Please do!  If you haven’t heard, I wrote a nonfiction humor book and it’s featured over there – I have a few excerpts from the book posted now.  I personally think it’s pretty funny and I’d love it for you to follow me on Twitter: @101Apocalypse and Facebook.  And yes, that IS me.  I published under my REAL NAME!  I’m out of the anonymous blog closet!

And I am giving away FREE COPIES to bloggers who are willing to review it on their blogs!  Click here for more info!

SD

 

 

I Wrote A Book And Need Your Help!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Writing | Posted on 23-11-2012

I’ve been teasing this for…  oh… a YEAR or so.  And it’s finally happened.  I wrote an e-book.  A cheap e-book…  it’s only $1.99!  It’s a (hopefully) funny non-fiction e-book called:

The 101 Things To Do Before The Apocalypse

Much like it sounds, it’s a tongue in cheek list of suggestions to spend the final days and weeks of society.  No one knows when the world will end.  The Mayans may have predicted December 21st, 2012 but frankly the Mayans weren’t all that smart – I mean, they don’t even exist anymore.  So why should we put any faith in their calendar?

We don’t know when the world will end, but the one thing most can agree on is that eventually it WILL end.  So imagine getting some insight as to when that will happen.  This book is full of things you’ve only dreamed of doing in the past but would not consider unless the end was near.  Unless you’re into uncomfortable situations with family friends and coworkers.

The other thing?  It’s being published under my REAL NAME.  Yep, I am coming out of the blog closet.  At least kind of.  Follow along…  People in my real life will know about the book, but not about this blog.  I’ll keep blogging here under the Simple Dude name but am not ready to let my real life peeps know about this site yet.  So help me keep my secret!

And all of you can help me!  First of all, go check out the new website I set up for the book:

www.101Apocalypse.com

I’d love the hell out of you if you could follow me there through the various means available…  follow it on Twitter, like it on Facebook, etc.  If you go there right now you’ll see an excerpt from #32 on the list: “BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF A VENDING MACHINE

Secondly… I will give a FREE copy to anyone willing to write a review of it on their own blog.  Good or bad!  All you have to do is ask!  Email me at simpledudemail@gmail.com if you’re interested.

Another cool thing is happening… Jewels and the awesome folks over at The Indie Chicks are going to be posting excerpts from my book, once per week through the end of the year.  So be sure to go check it out!

Lastly…  I wouldn’t be mad at any of you if you decided to buy it – after all it’s only $1.99!  I spent more on coffee this morning!

No go check it out!

SD

Things No One Should Know

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Catalog, Family | Posted on 19-11-2012

Long time followers know I used to post about this stupid catalog my Lady Friend would get in the mail.  It featured some of the more interesting items I’ve ever seen – though rarely anything I would consider buying.

We hadn’t been getting those catalogs in the mail for some time, but suddenly out of the blue we got one a few weeks back.  I think it took them some time to figure out we moved.  Thankfully they did.  In this most recent edition they included a record book…  a “What My Family Should Know” record book.

It has sections for you to add info on your insurance, financial accounts, attorneys, etc.  That way your family will have all that info in the event you get run over by a manure truck on the way to work.  Now THAT would be a shitty way to die.

The whole thing got me thinking.  Sure, I can see leaving a list of bank accounts and credit cards behind.  After all, some poor sap will be stuck paying off my debt.  But in the event I get attacked by a pack of rabid hyenas while buying my Fruit Loops at the grocery store, I’ll also have a completely different list that is much longer…  What I Hope My Family Never Finds Out.

For instance..  back in high school before I had my own car, I used to borrow my dad’s truck.  Bad things were done inside, outside and on top of that truck.  And that time someone dinged the door while it was parked at the mall?  Yeah, that was actually me.  But it wasn’t caused by another car, it was one of my buddies who drunkenly slipped on some ice and fell into it.  With his head.  He was ok, but the door wasn’t.  Who would have thought a head-shaped dent could pass for a door ding?

Then there were the times we put vodka in those little hairspray spritzer bottles for a little “spike” between classes.  Personally I never used hairspray, but friends of mine did.  Don’t judge, it was the 80′s.

Lastly there was that time my folks went out of town and I met a hooker.  Her pimp got upset with me and eventually took all my parent’s furniture including my mom’s big football shaped crystal ornament.  The hooker and I threw a huge party, introducing all her hooker friends to my “willing to pay” friends.  We made enough money to just barely get all the furniture back, including the ornament, right before my folks got back home.

Or wait… was that the movie Risky Business?  hmm…  either way, not something I’d want my family to find out.

SD

 

I’m Thinking Thicker Is Better

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in House | Posted on 12-11-2012

A few weeks back I bought some big lawn bags to use for leaves and all the other dead vegetation crap that accumulates in the yard this time of year.  I didn’t even think about what I was buying, or even noticed this while I was using them.

But my Lady Friend pointed something out as we were pulling out of the driveway the other day… the picture combined with the marketing they use for the bags is a little… uhhh…  suggestive:

Thicker is better… right?

The placement of his hands with the word THICKER has me a little uncomfortable.  And now that she pointed it out to me, it’s all I can see.  Maybe it was a subliminal purchase…  and while I thought I was just buying bags, my subconscious had something else in mind.

I’m glad the yard cleaning is done for the year, otherwise I may have had to wrap some duct tape around that thing.  The box of bags that is.  The people designing this packaging are either completely clueless…  or complete geniuses.

SD

 

Live For Today?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Music, TV | Posted on 06-11-2012

Have you ever wished you lived in a different era?  Or grew up in a different time?  Let me explain.  At work some of the people on my staff are in their early to mid 20′s.  One of them is really into rock music from the 80′s.  I’ve supported these strange tastes by loading up some good music on his iPod, stuff beyond the typical poppy 80′s crap you still hear on the radio.

I mentioned this before, but I basically grew up in the 80′s.  I turned 18 in 1990 so my high school years were spent during the height of the hair band craze.  Sadly, I was totally into that craze.

The equation for me was simple… chicks dug bands like Bon Jovi, Poison and Motley Crue.  I dug chicks.  So I grew my hair long and wore my jeans with holes in them.  Bingo!  Chicks dug me.  At least the wild ones, which was ok by me.

This young guy I work with has asked me about those days and though it makes me feel like someone’s grandpa, I have indulged him with stories.  Maybe he’s misguided… but I think he wishes he was around to experience those days himself.

I can relate.  For me it’s the 70′s.  I was born in the 70′s but frankly don’t remember them very well.  Still I love the music, the cars, the movies and even most of the TV shows from that time.  The fashions?  Meh… not so much.

For example…  music:

Rockers had their fill with Led Zepplin, Aerosmith, Styx, Boston, Cheap Trick.  On the lighter side The Eagles or James Taylor.  On the funky side Stevie Wonder or Earth Wind & Fire.

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page doing their thing.

Movies:

Jaws, Halloween, Star Wars, The Godfather, Rocky, Blazing Saddles, Alien and Airplane.

“Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”

TV:

MASH, All In The Family, The Jeffersons, Sandford and Son, Taxi, Chips, Different Strokes, The Muppet Show and the birth of Saturday Night Live.

Waldorf and Statler were comic genius.

Beyond the entertainment of those days, people just lived more laid back lives.  Sometimes the technology of today is overwhelming and I long for a time when we were not always connected.  Whether it’s email, cell phones or social media we are always reachable… all the time.  Don’t you ever just want to unplug and tell the world “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!” ???

Now all that being said… I do believe that right now is the BEST time to be alive.  If for no other reason than because The Simple Dude did not exist in 1977. Well, I guess technically he did… but he was only 5 years old and much less of a smart ass than he is in 2012.

SD

P.S.  Be sure you VOTE today!