Happy Halloweenie!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 31-10-2012

Happy Halloween kiddies…  hope you scare up some candy.  Or have a hauntingly productive day at work.  Or maybe a frighteningly easy commute.  Or…  just get laid.  After all, it’s also hump day.

Last weekend I went to a costume party at a friend ‘s house – a party I have attended every year for much of the last decade.  This party started out small in the early years.  He would invite 50 people but only 8 would show up.  It was sad.  But I stuck with it and now the party has nearly outgrown his house.  I’d say, conservatively he must have had 60 – 70 people there throughout the night.

There is a reason so many people go.  This dude is batty over Halloween.  Every single inch of his house is decked out with props, decorations, ghosts, ghouls, food and booze.  Lots of booze.  Plus every year he has some unique feature.  Last year he had this cool spooky backdrop and professional lighting for everyone to get their picture taken.

This year it was a stripper pole.  No, I did not hop up on it – though it was tempting.  Unfortunately it was getting more use from the dudes at the party than the dudettes.

Another unique feature this year was a system of TV monitors connected together that rotated through photos people would take on their phones and send to an email address.  By emailing them to this address, they were automatically added into the rotation.

Myself and a couple buddies being the asses that we are, decided to email some non party pics as well, that just happened to be on my phone.

Pictures like these cheese curds:

The only thing scary about these is what they do to me.

Or these weirdos:

Look deep into my eyes… my sexy, sexy eyes.

Imagine Trick or Treating at this guy’s house.

and lastly…  a big blue ribbon winning chicken:

Big chickens = Big chicken McNuggets

So imagine seeing pictures of yourself and all the other costumed people at the party rotating through like a slideshow.  Then suddenly a giant chicken appears on the screen.  Needless to say, it made us laugh.

And now… it’s time for me to have my breakfast and head on in to work.  What’s for breakfast you ask?

What else did you expect?

SD

 

The Rise Of The Rednecks!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Stupid People, TV | Posted on 24-10-2012

Do you watch that show The Soup on the E! channel?  I don’t catch the show every week, but when I do it makes me think the writers have some of the best jobs in the world.

If you haven’t seen it, the formula is basic.  They show clips of reality shows, then make fun of them.  And if you have ever watched a reality show, you know it’s pretty damn easy to make fun of the people who show up in those twisted versions of reality.  Could you imagine being a writer there…  you come to work, watch crappy reality shows and write jokes about the idiocy featured on those shows.  The jokes mostly write themselves.

This past week The Soup highlighted a segment of reality show that has taken over cable TV lately… Redneck Shows.  There are DOZENS of them right now. Why the hell are rednecks so entertaining?  People like me who grew up in the north have always viewed these people as backwoods, mouth breathing, gun rack toting, tooth missing, cousin-marrying hilljacks.  I know all rednecks don’t fit that description…  just 90% of them.

There is Hillbilly Hand Fishing, where they literally stick their hands into an underwater hole with the hopes of grabbing onto a hiding, angry catfish.  Do they get bit?  Hell yes.  Do they always get a fish?  Hell no.  Is it the dumbest thing on TV?  Damn near… keep reading.

“Hey baby.. come on over and stick yer hand in this here hole.”

Then there is a show called Swamp People:

“Who wants to tickle my gator?”

On this show a bunch of backwards overall wearing hillbillys go around shooting alligators.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe the gators stole their Lynyrd Skynyrd Greatest Hits cassette tape.

Side note:  I actually like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

This next one is unique.. it’s about a hillbilly family who actually became millionaires by selling duck callers.  It’s called Duck Dynasty:

All that money, yet not one of them can afford a decent razor.

I haven’t really seen much of that show show…  but it reminds me of a bad ZZ Top tribute band.

The king of redneck shows these days is something called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo:

These people make more money than you do.

This show is awful.  I attempted to watch it once and couldn’t get through it.  It’s a shame people like this continue to procreate.  The Soup refers to the mom on this show as the Human Thumb.  Which I have to admit, is pretty funny.

I can’t say why these hillbilly shows have taken over cable TV lately.  Maybe watching these people makes us feel better about our lives…  though in truth, thanks to these shows, most of these people make a hell of a lot more money than I do.

Although I am sure they’ll blow all that cash on cases of Milwaukee’s Best beer, tins of Skoal and red, white and blue bandanas.

SD

 

Frozen Pools And Foreign Dudes Don’t Mix

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Video | Posted on 22-10-2012

I rarely forward emails.  You know, the ones that spout off about something great that will happen to you if you send it to 10 people.  That is soooo 2001.  Hell, I didn’t even forward them back then.  It was stupid then and it’s worse now.

Unfortunately my mom doesn’t follow that same logic… she sends forwards all the time.   Sometimes they have lame jokes.  Sometimes they they include pictures that are meant to be inspirational but actually just look cheesy.  I usually delete her emails.  Don’t worry, she doesn’t read this!

Before this past week I think it had probably been a year since I had received an email from her worth forwarding on.  Then she sent me a link to this video:

This one I had to pass along.  I think I forwarded it to about 10 people… though I doubt anything lucky is going to happen to me.  Why did I send it?  Because pain is funny.  Other people’s pain that is.  That is a weird quirk about us humans… as long as we know a person doesn’t get seriously hurt we actually take a certain amount of joy in watching them in pain.

Particularly if they are a jackass trying to be cool.

The best part of the video is how the heavily accented dude suddenly switches to English just to shout obscenities and promote his new band.  I love the sound he makes in the air, something like:  “HOOOAHHH!” followed by the sound of him smacking the ice – much like it would sound if he ran into a brick wall.

What a jackass.  Hilarious.

SD

A Simple Autumn

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Food, House | Posted on 16-10-2012

Today’s post is a visual one… along with some random thoughts from me.

Minnesota, like much of the country, is a very pretty place in the fall.  Everywhere you look you see colors representing the season.  Golden yellows, burnt oranges and bright reds.  My backyard is no different.

Alright, enough is enough. Drop the leaves already.

That tree is one of the last ones in my yard to still have most of its leaves.  What it’s holding out for I do not know.  I have raked a bunch of leaves from the other trees, and yet this one just refuses to drop for me.  Maybe it’s waiting until it snows.

When I see red, yellow and orange leaves in trees while walking through a park or in a neighbors yard I stop and admire nature’s beauty.  But when I see them on trees in my own yard?  I curse at them, knowing I’ll soon be out there raking them – one of my least favorite things to do in life.

Another thing that happens this time of year is people decorating their yards with Halloween stuff.  Ghosts, goblins, pumpkins and all that happy crap.  There is a a house in our neighborhood that goes all out:

Ooooo… spoooooky!!!

It’s really hard to capture what they do in a lousy night time photo, they have a lot going on that I didn’t get in this picture and they have also added a lot since this picture.  They have added a half dozen giant lighted inflatables, skeletons, black cats and a big blow up tree with a face on it.  That one scared me a little.  But my favorite part is a tombstone in the middle of the yard.  On it reads:

Here lies the last dog who pooped in our yard.”

Awesome.

A few weeks ago the lady friend and I went out to dinner at a restaurant called Baker’s Square.  For those who don’t have them in your area, it’s similar to a Perkins or Denny’s except they specialize in pie.  VERY GOOD pie.  Going to a place like this for dinner is not a big deal normally, but there is something about it I would never admit to my friends… we went on a Saturday night.  At 5:30pm.  Then went straight home after.

We were BY FAR the youngest people there.  Ugh…  So this is what it’s like being 40 huh?

Oh, and the reason we went there?  We had a coupon.  Ha!  But we also went there because I absolutely has to try this:

Did they put bacon on a pie? Oh hell yes they did!

It’s called the Salty Hog and it’s “Amaze-Balls” as the kids would say.  It’s basically a french silk / chocolate cake flavored pie with roasted almonds and salted caramel.  Oh, and the best part?  It has FREAKIN’ BACON on top!

I think it was a limited time kind of thing, but I am holding my palms to the sky praying to the good Lord above that this thing comes back.  If you get a chance, you have to try it.

SD

 

More Cushion For The Pushin’?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Stupid People | Posted on 09-10-2012

I know that human beings get strange sexual urges.  Hell, the internet is basically driven by strange sexual urges, mixed in with a few websites on music, news and crappy bloggers.  And before the internet came along it was the back pages of newspapers you’d only find in shady parts of town.

Side note:  Who remembers those shady newspapers?  Do they still exist?  I remember as a teenager, my buddies and I would marvel at the listings for escorts and the like, daring each other to call.  Kind of like a real life version of that Tom Cruise movie Risky Business without all the tighty-whitey dancing.  We never did call – so my innocence stayed intact.

Back to urges.  I try to not judge people for their strange behaviors especially if they keep their oddities inside the walls of their homes.  What do I care what you’re doing at home?  Just be sure you wash up before you leave.

However, I read a bizarre report recently of someone who did not leave their urges at home.  He took them to the streets… literally.  This guy lives in Wisconsin and as I have reported here a few times, the people in Wisconsin are insane.  Anytime you hear some wacko, pervert, nutcase story it’s almost always from our Cheesehead friends to the east.  Especially if the story involves alcohol.

In this case I think the guy was stone cold sober.  So what was he doing that was so outrageous?  He was engaged in a sexual act on the street.

An off duty police officer jogging down this street noticed a guy who, from a distance appeared to be having sex with a woman on a couch that was sitting out at the end of a driveway.  As he got closer he realized there was no woman.  Just a man…  humping a couch.  An old dirty couch someone had left out for the garbage dude to pick up.

Here is the guy and the object of his affection:

Between you and me, I think the couch could do better.

Upon seeing the cop the weirdo hopped up off his cushioned lover and ran down the street, escaping for the time being, only to be arrested the next day.

I’ve heard of some weird acts, but couch humping?  Is this a thing?  Am I missing out on something?  Our couch is leather and nothing about it has ever seemed sexy to me.

If you think I may be making some portion of this story up…  I assure you I am not.  Give this a click to read all about it.

SD

 

This Is Just Batty

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in House | Posted on 01-10-2012

I saw this at a Home Depot store the other day and had to snap a photo….

I’d have to be batty to hang this in my yard. Damn, that was lame.

I get that bats eat insects and therefore are nice to have in the neighborhood to help thin out the night time mosquito population.  However…  who would put this in their yard like some twisted Halloween themed birdhouse?  Is this creepy or what?

When I saw this at the store I texted this photo to my Lady Friend (she wasn’t at home) and told her I was about to hang it above our deck.  She was NOT amused.

I haven’t been around here much the last week, and even now that I have something to post it’s just a brief one.  Good things are happening though, both with my job and personal life in that I am very, VERY close to finally finishing this goofy book I’ve been writing for the last 8 months or so.

Happy Monday kids!

SD