Boys And Their (Sex) Toys

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Stupid People | Posted on 29-08-2012

Do you ever sit in front of the computer (or like me, on the couch with a laptop) staring at the screen with absolutely nothing to write about?  I thought that was going to happen to me the other day, then BAM!  It came to me like a blogging angel.  I saw this story online and knew it had to be shared.

As reported by a local newspaper here, a woman waiting at a bus top at a busy intersection in St. Paul, MN looked up to see a man pull up in a car in front of her.  Not just any man…  this man:

His name is Brian Wutschke. He is single, ready to mingle and brings his own toys to the party.

Allegedly he was just sitting in the drivers seat of his car, performing oral sex.  By himself.  On a dildo.  If he had been giving this thing the business while driving along, he may have gone unnoticed.  But he stopped in the lane and sat there in front of this bus stop, while cars backed up behind him honking.  He eventually drove on, but not until after someone had called the cops.

They pulled him over a couple blocks away and found the slobbery toy sitting on the front seat, as well as numerous women’s panties strewn about the car – even hanging from his rear view mirror.

It doesn’t end there.  While patting him down they heard some vibrating coming from his pants.  He informed them he had a vibrator “inserted” into himself.  They made him remove it as they arrested the freak and threw him in the back seat of their squad car.

Apparently the cops refused to turn the thing off, so all the way back to the police station it sat vibrating on the back seat of the car.  And even after removing it from the car no one wanted to handle it long enough to shut it off so it just sat in the evidence box buzzing until the battery died!

Can’t say I blame them.  Anything that has been inside this dude would not going anywhere near me.

Real life truly is stranger than fiction.



Deep Fried Fantasy

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Food | Posted on 27-08-2012

It’s time for some classic Simple Dude – in the form of a re-post from my past.  This one goes back two years – it was one of my first posts actually.  I felt it was timely, since it’s about the Minnesota State Fair – something going on right now.  Enjoy:

I’m sure you’ve been to a State Fair, County Fair, carnival etc.  Here in Minnesota we have our annual State Fair going on now.  But this is not your normal fair, it’s what you imagine a State or County Fair to be… but all hopped up on caffeine, steroids and a giant bucket of deep fried bacon grease.

The Minnesota State Fair is the biggest in the country in terms of attendance, attracting 2 million people over 12 days on a permanent 320 acre fairground space.  How big is 320 acres?  I have no idea.  What am I, a farmer?  I looked at their official website and that’s what it says… I just know it’s damn big.

We all just call it “The Fair” like it’s some living breathing thing.  And one of the things The Fair is known for is having a LOT of food “on a stick.”  What the hell does that mean?  Well, you’ve had a corn dog right?  That’s on a stick.  At the Minnesota State Fair you can get dozens of foods on a stick.  Chicken, pork chops, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, fruit, deep fried cheese, bacon, sushi, etc.  Yes all of those are available on a stick.  No shit.

Another goofy thing about The Fair is the Princess Kay of the Milky Way.  Kind of a spaced out title.  Her big claim to fame?  She gets to pose and have her likeness carved out of butter by a sculptor.  Again, No shit.  It starts out as a big ass block of butter, then becomes a big ass butter likeness of a girl.  It sits on display in a refrigerated case during the run of the fair for people to come see it.  And they do… for the love of God they LINE UP to see it.

I know what this sounds like, but we are NOT just a bunch of backwoods mouth breathers here in the northland.  We even have running water and paved roads.  But the Fair is just one of those things we all do, even though we’re not always proud of it.

Another hook is all the weird new foods each year that people have to try.  In the past we’ve had fried Twinkies and candy bars.. on a stick of course.  One of this year’s new foods is a grilled banana, chocolate and marshmallow sandwich.  Imagine a grilled cheese sandwich but banana, chocolate and marshmallow instead of the cheese.  And some powdered sugar on top.  I have to admit I did try one of these… tasted like a heart attack between a couple grilled pieces of bread.

It was damn good.


Sorry, You Are Not A Winner

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Giveaways, Work | Posted on 23-08-2012

Have you ever entered your name into a drawing for a gift certificate, tickets, lunch, a t-shirt or some other stupid prize?  Congratulations.  You didn’t win, but you did get onto a mailing list.  I’ve said this before..  I work in marketing.  One of the many things my staff does is represent us at big events, where we collect sales leads for our sales weasels people.

How do we do that?  Through Enter To Win contests.  You’ve seen the kind…  “Sign Up To Win A ________”  Fill in the blank.  Usually it’s a lame prize like a $10 spa gift card or one single movie ticket.

My company is sort of in the entertainment business and we have prizes that are very desirable.  I can’t divulge anymore without threatening my anonymity.  But we collect lots of entries for our contests on those little white slips of paper.  And there is something lots of people do that absolutely positively keeps them from winning.  Crumple up the paper before dropping it in the box.

Don’t bother, you’re not going to win anyway.

Some dumb asses think by doing that they have a better chance of being drawn out of the box.  No.  You don’t.  Not at all.  Moron.  For starters the names are not drawn by just reaching into  the box randomly right there at the event.

At the very least they are drawn later, after the box is emptied and people who are not eligible (under 18) and those idiots who crumpled their slip have been removed.  But often they are drawn at random days later by a computer, after we’ve entered in all the data – adding them to our e-mail list.

Unless you’re dropping your business card into a fish bowl at a shit ass greasy spoon diner this is the way things are done in the business world.  So quit being a jackass crumpling or folding your entry into some lame origami thinking that’s going to get it done.  Trust me, it ain’t working buddy.

And if you ever feel like you’re getting weird spam emails, random unknown phone calls or texts or crap showing up in the snail mail – it’s probably because you entered a contest.  Was it worth it?



I Missed An Important Date

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Blogging, Writing | Posted on 21-08-2012

Nearly a week ago an anniversary came and went without me hyping it, acknowledging it or even remembering it.  My two year Blog-O-Versary.  I started this stinkin’ thing on a whim back on August 15, 2010.

When it launched I didn’t tell any friends, family or even my own girlfriend – commonly referred to here as my “Lady Friend”.  In fact I wrote here for almost two months before telling her about it at all.  To this day she is the only person in my offline life that knows about it.

My very first post got zero views.

The second post got one view, though I suspect that was just me checking it from my phone.  Lame.

The third post actually got a few views and a comment.  Had it came up with zero views I suspect I would have started to get bored with it – and my fourth post may have been my last.  That would have saved me a lot of time… time spent on something more productive…  like perfecting a black jack system that could have broken the backs of the biggest casinos in Vegas.

This could have been me…

But that’s ok – I would have missed out on meeting all of you!

Truthfully, I’m not spending as much time on this blog as I used to… it’s down to just 2 – 3 posts per week.  This is happening for two main reasons:

1.  I am starting to run out of things to write about.  That is due in part to flat out laziness but also due to a lack of interesting things happening to me lately.  Yes, my life has become a bit boring.

2.  I am busy as fuck.  Sorry for the cussing, but it’s the best and only way for me to say it.  My job has become very busy and even when I’m not working, I’m doing things around our new house.  I’m not complaining… I enjoy working.  I enjoy doing things around the house.  But when you’re this busy, something has to give.  That something has been the blog.

Plus I have been TRYING to write a non-fiction “comedy” book.  Comedy gets the “quote” marks because I question whether or not it’s truly FUNNY.  We’ll see.  You’ll all get the first crack at it if and when it’s done.

On a related side note, I am pretty sure I will be releasing the book under my real name within the next couple months.  Yes, I’ll be coming out of the uhhh…  blog closet…  so to speak.

Anyway, it’s been a fun two years.   I’m not going anywhere, but I hope you’re cool with me cutting back these days.  While I don’t have the time to comment on other blogs as much as I would like, I do read lots of them.  And I truly appreciate every single page view and comment I get here because, after all, I do have the best commenters on the net.  It’s true.


How To Get A Raise (Or So I Hope)

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Work | Posted on 16-08-2012

I’ve been at my job nearly five years and for the most part, I enjoy it.  I manage the marketing department for a high profile local company.  It’s not a typical sit at a desk 9 to 5 job.  I work out of the office on occasion and sometimes get so busy that I work evenings and weekends.  But it’s a job that brings immediate satisfaction at seeing the results of your work.

But there is a problem.  I am underpaid.   Quick poll…  raise your hand if you consider yourself underpaid.  Let me count…  1 of you.. 2 of you… 3…   well it looks like pretty much all of you raised your hand.  It’s interesting how the money we make relates to the money we think we’re worth.  I doubt many people are willing to admit they are over paid.  I know a handful of people at my company that are grossly over paid, and I’d bet even those morons think they are underpaid.

It just might come to this…

That being said I wish I made more money than I do.  In fact I wish I made a lot more than I do.  I think I’m worth about twice what I make – but that’s wishing in it’s purest form.  Mixed with a healthy ego I suppose.

In truth I am due a raise.  We have annual reviews coming up in the next couple months and I suspect I’ll get a standard raise, somewhere in the 5% – 7% range.  It’s not much but it’s something.

The problem?  “Something” isn’t enough for me.  In the next week or two, as budgets are being planned, I’ll go to my boss with a pitch.  I’m going to pitch myself, almost as if I were interviewing for the job all over again.  The idea is to convince them to give me a bigger raise – I’m hoping for 20 – 25%.  And with anything less than 15%, I will dust off my resume and start sending it around.  After all, TOWPO (my dog: The One Who Poops Outside) needs to eat.

Our company has a way of losing good employees just because they need to make more money.  And when the person breaks the bad news about leaving, the company makes a half-hearted attempt to match their new salary – only to realize they are making 50% more, 60% more or even double at their new gig.  We can’t afford that kind of bling around here.

My theory is that this is a way to keep a good employee around BEFORE he comes to them with his two week notice.  I’m not asking for a 50% raise (though I’m worth it) I am only asking for a reasonable bump.

What do you guys think?  Have you ever gone into your boss and asked for a sizable raise – if so did you get it?  We’re you laughed at?  This could go either way for me… I’ll know more in the coming weeks.  Keep your fingers crossed.


No Drama, Just Photos

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Family, Vacation | Posted on 14-08-2012

Last weekend we had a big family reunion up at a Leech Lake, which is a beautiful lake in the north woods of Minnesota.  The weather was perfect all weekend and, unfortunately for my blog, there was no family drama.  Other than someone getting the idea to take group photos on Saturday after it was getting dark.  I haven’t seen them yet, but can’t imagine most of them turned out.

I have no idea why they waited until 9pm Saturday for photos, nor do I have any idea why they didn’t decide to just do them Sunday morning instead.  Trying to gather everyone up at dusk was probably a decision fueled by a day of drinking.

Since there was no drama, I have no good stories to share…  just some photos, starting with this one taken Friday afternoon from the shore looking out on the lake.  It’s a very big lake, you can’t see across much of it.

Saturday morning a bunch of us went golfing and I snapped this pic from the car window as we drove along the lake…  very cool scene with the early morning fog rising up from one of the bays:

Those of you who have golfed before may see this next picture and think the tee box had a swampy area behind it.  No, that is the view from the tee box heading out to the fairway – seriously.

All day long I was getting the ball up in the air (not intended to sound dirty) but sure as shit as soon as I got to this hole I hit a low line drive into this mess:

After a day of golfing, drinking, napping and eating the sun started going down.  And sunsets up there are awesome, watching the big bright red ball dip into the water.  Oh and the sun looks nice too.  (hee hee)

It was sometime between that picture and this next one that they decided to gather up the group for photos.

Thus ending another day at the cabin.  The next morning I was pretty tired driving home… even too tired to stop at the casino – which is shocking.  I’ll just have to lose twice as much money next time I go.



Family Reunion Drama?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Family, Vacation | Posted on 09-08-2012

This weekend I’m heading out of town for a family reunion.  We’re heading “Up North” as people from Minnesota like to say.  When you go “Up North” it essentially means you’re heading out of the Twin Cities area even though you can leave the city by going south too.  Hey, what can I say..  we’re directionally challenged.

But in our case we really are heading up north, going to a resort area on a big lake called Leech Lake.  It sounds gross… I know, leeches are despicable little sucking bastards.

Slimy little vampire wannabes.

But the lake itself is beautiful, and no, it’s not full of leeches.   In fact I have been to the lake many times in my life and have never seen one leech – unless it was on the end of a fishing hook.  It’s an extremely unfortunate name.

In 36 hours I’ll be sitting on this lake with a cold beer in my hand. Life is good.

But the weirdly named lake is not the story here.  The family reunion is.  I have a fairly good sized extended family including aunts, uncles, cousins and all my cousins’ kids.  And I don’t remember the last time we were all together.  I am not sure if we’ll all be together this weekend but it sounds like the vast majority of them will be there.

This includes family from six different states all coming to northern Minnesota to eat, drink and be merry.  Then drink some more.  Because if there is one thing m family enjoys, it’s their beer.  And booze.  And wine.

Fortunately all the alcohol rarely leads to major drama – we all get along pretty well.  However I am hoping for at least a little drama… after all, I’ve got a freakin’ blog that needs material.  If anything wild happens I’ll be sure to let you know next week.

And hopefully I’ll have a cell signal… if so I’ll be tweeting out occasional photos.

And on a side note…our FENCE IS DONE!!!  It took a week and four different days of work from the crew building it, but it’s finally done.  I’ll post pics of that next week too.