A Tunnel To Heaven?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Food | Posted on 31-07-2012

The other day I heard a crazy story on local morning radio.  It involved an unstable dude in New Zealand who was stalking his ex girlfriend in a very unusual way.  From inside her own house.

He built a trapdoor under her house that he used to get inside a crawl space under her stairs.  He’d hang out in this space to keep tabs on her, even cutting holes into closets to get access into her house when she wasn’t home.

The police got him before he could actually hurt her or anyone else.  And when they did they found bedding, food, candles, clothes and some makeshift weapons in his little space under the stairs.

This whole thing is creepy and I’m glad they got the sick bastard before anything terrible happened.  But the story gave me an idea.

There is a little bakery near our new house in Maple Grove, MN called Nadia Cakes.  They have the most amazing cupcakes you’ll ever eat.  The owner was the winner on the show Cupcake Wars on the Food Network.  I don’t have any people in my life worthy of stalking, but I do LOVE me some cupcakes.

I am considering a trap door that would allow me to hind out in the cupcake closet of this place.  I don’t know if a cupcake closet is a real thing or not.  But in my mind it is… and it’s magical.

I’ve already started working on my master plan…

That’s the cupcake shop – or at least one hell of a rendition of what it looks like.  I bet you can almost taste the fabulous frosting right?

I plan to put up a tent on the ground next door.  Nothing fancy, in fact the more plain and drab the better.  On this tent I will hang a sign that says “Homeless.  Please Help.”  This is to be sure no one, and I mean no one, not even the police, will go near it.  Right?

But that tent is no ordinary tent.  It’s hiding my secret tunnel that will lead me right into the cupcake closet.  Ohhh…  it’s going to be awesome!

Yes, that’s me crawling on my hands and knees as I head for the tasty nirvana.  Oddly enough, my hair looks exactly like that.  And yes I have a giant smile on my face because once I get into the cupcake closet I’ll be able to come and go as I please, sneaking all that baked goodness whenever I want.

You know what… this plan could also work for my local liquor store.  I wonder if they have Whiskey Closet?

Wish me luck!  And vote for this post over at Dude Write!



I’m Going To Let This Picture Do The Talking

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Vacation | Posted on 29-07-2012

I found this picture on my camera left over from the trip to Arizona the Lady Friend and I took this past spring.  We saw this sign for something called Dry Beaver Creek while driving up to Sedona, so on the way back down to Phoenix we had the camera ready.  I snapped a quick picture (at 50 mph) which explains the bad resolution.  The fact that we captured it at all surprised me.

I could make about 100 jokes about this, but will leave that up to all of you. So give me your best caption for this sign.

I’ll just say this… Dry Beaver Creek sounds like a sad, sad place.



Big TVs, Small Tables And Dumb People

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in House, Stupid People | Posted on 25-07-2012

Last weekend my Lady Friend and I went on a shopping spree.   A big one.  We bought $300 worth of furniture at IKEA and as you know, $300 gets you a LOT of shit at IKEA.  Those crazy Swedes!

And all that crap was cool, but not nearly as cool as the TV we got.  A big ass 60″ LED for me to sit and stare at.  Which I have done for four days straight, with my mouth slightly open, barely blinking.  The picture is much better than my 46″ LCD.  We moved that TV downstairs to the basement and what will eventually become my “man cave” area.  I hate that term, but that’s essentially what it will be.

And that’s what sucks.  The 46″ TV will be the one in my space and the big new one will be in hers.  hmmm….

Although, in hindsight that’s not so bad.  After all she did pay for it.  Seriously!  Isn’t that freakin’ awesome!  I’m a lucky dude.

One thing we didn’t find at IKEA was a small wooden table that we wanted for our basement area so we actually picked one of those up at Target the other day.  Now I realize they need to cater to all levels of intelligence and stupidity when making instructions for assembly.  But this is ridiculous:

If this is Step 1, what would STEP 2 be?? Turn the table over???

As you can see there is the table top and the four legs.  The table top is part “A” and the legs are each labeled parts “B” – in case you couldn’t figure out which was which.

There is a Step 1 to the instructions but no Step 2.  Of course not, after Step 1 you are DONE.  But when designing the assembly instructions they failed to realize that when there is only one step, it’s not a “step” at all.  It’s a beginning and an end all in one.   It’s a destination.

Come on… has society really become this stupid?  If you’re too dumb to figure out how to put four legs on a table that just screw in, it should be illegal for you to go to Target and buy it in the first place.  You are a danger to yourself and the rest of us.  Stay home!


Lightning Strikes?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Video | Posted on 19-07-2012

This is only the second video I’ve created for this blog…  but I think I’ll be making more in the future since I found a fun editing software.

The other night we had a storm come through our area, but before any of the rain came we were treated to a light show from the heavens.  I ventured out into the backyard and held my phone to the sky to capture it on video:

Yes, I’m even willing to risk my life for you people.

If you like it, why not share it?  Click one of those cool little links below the post.


I’m A Re-Writing Writer

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Guest Posting, Writing | Posted on 17-07-2012

I’ve been a member of the website Studio 30 Plus for nearly two years.  If you’re not a member there and you’re at least 30 years old, you’re missing out.  It’s a great resource for bloggers including a forum, featured bloggers section and blogging inspiration in the form of their weekly writing prompts.

Studio 30 Plus even gave me this award last year!

Do yourself a favor and go check it out…  especially since I have the FEATURED POST today!  It’s a post I wrote about blogging and the process of writing & rewriting – which is something I know a lot about, for better or worse.  I think you’ll like it.

Even if you don’t like it, do ME a favor and click over to show me some lovin’…  cool?

Oh and I am editing a video that I shot of a lightning storm in my backyard.  I’ll be posting in a day or two so come on back.  Yes, I risked my life just for you.  It’s the first time I’ve tried something like that, so I hope you’ll like it.



Digging My Own… Trench

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in House | Posted on 16-07-2012

I have been neglecting all of you lately.  Have you missed my idiocy, blabbing and general nonsense?  Going back the last 2 – 3 weeks I haven’t been posting as often… first it was packing, then it was moving, then it was unpacking and the last week it has been various projects around the house.

Like this one:

That is what I did this past weekend and it’s the second such trench I have dug in my backyard to repair small cracks in lines in my sprinkler system.  I think it’s going to be my last trench though… fingers crossed.

My Lady Friend made a joke about pushing me into the trench – saying something about me digging my own grave.  After hearing that I kept a close eye on her.  And kept the trench as shallow as possible… you know, just to be safe.




Dog Owners Are Stupid

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Dog, Stupid People | Posted on 13-07-2012

And yes, I say dog owners are stupid being completely and fully aware that I myself am also a dog owner.

But it’s true.  People with dogs will buy the stupidest things… so by default, they are stupid.  Or something like that.

Believe it or not, this stupid thing is $80!

I saw this at Petco a few weeks ago.  It’s a booster seat that lets small dogs sit up high enough on the car seat to be able to see what’s going on out on the road.  Which is good because he can help you with directions if you get lost… right?

Our dog wouldn’t sit in this thing for more than 30 seconds.

She would hop out of it and climb to the back seat to look out the back window.

Then she’d climb back to the front seat, look at this thing and wonder why it’s hanging there.

But only for a second, as she would then climb to the back seat again to see if anything had changed in the 15 seconds since she was back there.  But soon enough she’d get bored and climb to the front seat again.

At this point in time she’d attempt to clumsily climb back into the booster, only to break the straps – sending her and the booster tumbling down to the floor of the car, distracting the hell out of me causing me to have a near miss with the soccer mom’s mini van going 10 miles below the speed limit in front of me.

All this would take place in the span of about two minutes.

No thanks.