Know When To Pick Your Battles

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Lady Friend | Posted on 30-04-2012

I can admit to not being the cleanest or neatest person on the planet.  I don’t always pick up after myself right away.  My dirty clothes can occasionally lay on the floor of the closet for a day or two before making it into the hamper.

I know this makes no sense… what is the point of dropping clothes on the floor instead of putting them in a hamper?  I can’t explain it.  I can’t even blame laziness as the freakin’ hamper is sitting right there in the closet.

I’m not a slob or anything, we actually keep our house looking nice.  But my Lady Friend will still get on my case about my crap now and then because she is a neater person than I am.

That is, except for one area of the house: the sink.  And it can drive me nuts.

Instead of putting the dishes right into the dishwasher, she’ll leave them in the sink.  Normally this isn’t a big deal, but the dishes she leaves have various forms of food left on them.  Including ketchup, pasta, melted cheese or cereal.  All types of food that tend to dry up and cling to the plate or bowl like some industrial glue meant to hold the space shuttle together.

If it gets this bad, I'm outta here.

Oh and just so you know, I am the one who generally loads the dishwasher.  So I am the one who has to deal with this dried, crusty food.  I have given her shit about her dish habits before but haven’t been too serious about it because she does do more cleaning then I do.  Plus she is a neat person in just about every other area of the house.

I guess I am afraid if I make a stink about the stinky dishes, she’ll make a stink about the stinky bathrooms that she cleans.

So….  I keep my mouth shut, like any smart dude would do.



A Cereal Dilemma

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Dog | Posted on 25-04-2012

We have had our dog for nearly 5 months and I haven’t written much about her.  And yet here she is showing up in back to back posts.  But when I have a story, I have to share it.

She likes to keep her identity secret as well, so her real name will not be revealed here.  Instead I refer to her as TOWPO which stands for The One Who Poops Outside.  Incidentally, thanks for the hilarious comments you all left on the post about her “scooting”.  It has subsided so I am thinking it may have just been a case of IBS…. Itchy Butt Syndrome.

Despite her being shy about her name… she is not shy about letting the world see her:

This was pre-haircut, in her shaggy, dirty hippy days.

Like most people I have my morning routines.  I get up early enough to sit and watch TV while eating breakfast with some coffee.  My Lady Friend leaves for work about an hour before I do, so it’s usually just me and the dog.

So the other morning I was sitting there eating my cereal on the couch.  Yeah, I know that’s pretty lazy but I can’t see the damn TV from the dining room table.  My coffee had gone cold – which is a huge pet peeve of mine.  So I went to re-heat it in the microwave, putting the bowl down on the couch.

Not 10 seconds into my coffee ‘nuking’ I hear a sound in the living room suspiciously like a dog lapping milk and cereal out of a bowl.  Zipping back into the living room my suspicions are confirmed.

HEY!  NOOO!!!” I shout at TOWPO but she doesn’t slow down, look up or even bat an eye.  She’s determined.

I move towards her shouting NO again but she doesn’t move at all until I get to her and physically pull her away from the bowl.  Then she looks up at me (rapidly licking the milk off her chops) as if I am some kind of an asshole for disrupting her breakfast.

It’s then that I realize I kind of am disrupting it, as I had yet to feed her.  Granted, I usually feed her right before leaving for work so it’s not like she was starving or anything – she was just opportunistic!

I’d had just 5 or 6 bites of the cereal so this really bummed me out.

For some folks they would dump the cereal in the sink and the story would end here.  But I really like my cereal and I was still hungry.  And I am a cheap ass.  So this presented a dilemma for me.  To eat, or not to eat… that was the question.  She’s not a big slobbering Saint Bernard or anything, but still… it’s a little gross.

Then I started thinking…  I let her lick my face.  What’s the difference?  So I ate the cereal.

Don’t judge me.



An Unscratched Itch

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Dog | Posted on 23-04-2012

I am not one to be shy about things.  I say what I think and mean what I say.  Sometimes this involves me sharing details about my life that other people would choose to keep to themselves.  But I stopped worrying about what other people think a long time ago.

One of the things I have no problem talking about or admitting to is that I scratch myself.  Not just my head, back or arms.  I scratch parts that are usually covered by clothes if you know what I mean.  It’s not like I am obsessive about it…  if an itch comes along I scratch it.  And I can be discreet – I’m not doing it in church or anything.

Like all humans I am well equipped when it comes to scratching.  My arms allow me to reach just about every inch of my body – and if I do get an itch in that spot on my back I can’t reach, I’ll rub up against a corner or table edge to get the job done.  Voila!

Our dog is not so lucky.  For those that didn’t know, my Lady Friend and I adopted a rescue dog a few months back and she’s awesome.  To maintain her anonymity I’m calling her TOWPO which of course stands for THE ONE WHO POOPS OUTSIDE.

Like all dogs or cats who are covered in fur she does her share of scratching.  She also got a nice short hair cut last week and in the first day or two of the cut we noticed her scratching more often – probably just getting used to the new “do”.  For the most part she manages to reach most of her itches.

But there is an exception.  Her butt.  In that first day or two after getting her haircut she had an itch down there that she couldn’t reach.  So she scooted.  On the carpet, on the grass, even on the concrete sidewalk which made me say OUCH!

Not exactly the what I had in mind when I searched for "Dogs Scooting"

I know dog scooting can be caused by other gross medical problems and I won’t go into them here, but I did my research and checked it out (yep, I looked closely at her butt) and she didn’t seem to have any true problems… other than an itchy booty.

As someone who is an expert on scratching I can’t blame her for scooting.  On the rare occasion my butt itches I am luckily able to reach it.  But if I couldn’t (as when I have to rub my back against a table edge) I would have no problem scooting.

That’s an itch that must be scratched!



I’m a P.I.M.P.

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Pimping | Posted on 19-04-2012

I am indeed a P.I.M.P. but unlike 50 Cent I’m going to leave out the “mutha-effin” part.  I haven’t done this in awhile but there are a couple blogs I really think you’d like!

First up is a blogger named Susan Cooper who runs a blog called Finding Our Way Now.  She is smart, entertaining and an amazingly talented artist.  All the drawings on her posts are her own creations – and they look like the kind of thing a professional illustrator would draw… seriously! You can see some of the work she did for Easter by clicking HERE.

Plus she is my latest sponsor, which means she is helping to keep this thing going – which isn’t saying much because I haven’t been posting as as often lately!  But go check out her blog… it’s a lifestyle blog covering topics such as life, work, food and WINE.  I’m not so fond of the work part but I do love me some food and wine.

The other blogger I want you to check out is ‘Timony who is one of my favorite bloggers / tweeters.  I have mentioned her on here before, partly because she is in Scotland and did a video blog review for my e-book.  And man do I dig her accent!

But she’s also a great writer and her blog features lots of amazing poetry.  Her poems are actually short, heartfelt stories that give you a peek into her soul.  If you like poetry at all I know you’ll dig her stuff.  Or if you just dig Scottish accents, look for some of her video blogs!  Please check her out too!


As a bonus for checking out those two great blogs I have a special treat for you… a joke.  A bad joke.  A VERY bad joke.  But it’s one you can tell your kids and get them giggling:

What’s the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

Anyone can Roast Beef.

Ok, that was bad…  how about one more:

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

He let out a little whine.



Other People’s Drama

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity | Posted on 16-04-2012

I think I have voyeuristic tendencies.  No sick or peeping tom stuff… I don’t get off on hiding in the bushes peeking at someone in their bloomers.  But I am like that little old lady on the block who notices when someone new moves in or things seem a little out of place.

I’m a very observant person, few things get past me in normal everyday life.  I think I would have made a good cop.

Or a carnival worker.

But that has nothing to do with my observational ability, I just like the idea of traveling around the country with a bunch of weirdos and never having to brush my teeth.  Ever.

I wonder what the Carnival Worker Dental Plan is like

Over the weekend I was sitting at home alone one night while the Lady Friend was out with some friends.  I had the front window open and heard a few cars pull up across the street.  We live in a town home (for the next month anyway) so “across the street” is only about 60 feet from our front door.  They were laughing and talking loudly and being about 1am I figured they were coming home from the bar.

I looked out and saw the 20-something girl who lives in the town home across from us with 4 friends.  Being the observant person I am I know the basic routines of all the people in our little town home section.  No that’s not stalking – I just pay close attention.  She has a boyfriend who stays over a few nights each week though I didn’t see his truck among this group so I don’t think he was there.

They all went inside and I went back to watching whatever shitty TV show I was watching.  15 minutes later I heard a commotion so I got up to take a look.  No one was outside but their upstairs windows were open and it sounded like some shouting was going on.

Being the nosy curious person I am, I went upstairs so that I could see look out directly into their room… you know, to be sure everything was cool of course.  I could see into the room and it appeared the girl who lives there was arguing with some guy.  The other two people  were no where to be seen – probably downstairs eating leftover Easter peeps – or so I imagined.  I couldn’t hear every word being said, but it sounded like he was mad because she wasn’t into him.  Duh, dude.. she has a boyfriend already.  Even I knew that!

This didn’t go on for long before I saw him storm out of the room and down to the front step where he had a cigarette.  Then he briefly went back inside before coming out in a huff and driving away, thus ending my late night entertainment.

One of the simple things in life that I will always enjoy is other peoples drama.  It’s way more interesting when it’s not happening to you!

I’m just hoping our new place will have some entertaining neighbors too!



Half Assed Weekend Post – April 14

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Weekends | Posted on 14-04-2012

I have been too busy to write lately, which bums me out.  So I am half-assing this post – hey, at least it’s something.  And I have also been sick… which bums me out even more.

See THIS POST that I wrote awhile ago about mucus.  It has become completely relevant all over again with this new cold I have been fighting.  And no, I have not attempted the dehydrating thing that I mentioned in that post.  The mucus has been free flowing.  But I am getting close to desperation so there is a good chance I’m completely done drinking any liquids for the weekend.

Wait… does beer count?  Alcohol dehydrates you anyway right?

Speaking of alcohol..  I am writing this on Friday night after having oh, I don’t know…  5 or 6 beers.  Just enough to forget that I am sick!  But not enough to keep me from trying to write a blog post.

And I was also playing Words With Friends with a buddy of mine and I have to admit, playing that with a buzz is both fun and frustrating at the same time.  The only words I can think of are crude, dirty or..  well.. not words at all.  Like assface.  Or taint.  Or fucktard.


Well, it is what it is.  Guess I’ll crack open another beer.  Incidentally, if anyone wants to play me in Words With Friends or Scramble With Friends go ahead and look me up…  my user name is TheSimpleDude.

As Jewels from According To Jewels will attest, I am easy to beat!  She does it on a regular basis!  In the game that is…   she has never beaten me in person.  As much as I may or may not enjoy that, I’m not sure my Lady Friend would approve.

Anyway… if you need an ego boost and want an easy win – look me up.  Be sure to let me know who you are though!



I’m Making My Move

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity | Posted on 10-04-2012

You know that old saying about a tree falling in the forest and no one there to hear it?  Well I have my own question:

Question:  If a blogger intends to post a blog… but doesn’t actually do it…  does it deserve any readers?

Answer:  No.

I have been so freakin’ busy lately that I have been neglecting all of you.  But let me give you an update on just why I haven’t posted much.  We bought a house!  As I have mentioned here before, my Lady Friend and I live in her home but it’s a smaller place and ever since I moved in about a year and a half ago we have wanted something bigger and better.

I've already hired these guys to move us

About two weeks ago we finally started looking seriously and it didn’t take too long.  Last week we saw a place we absolutely loved.  It had lots of things we wanted.  It’s a big place with plenty of space and closets, a nice backyard with deck and a three car garage.  It also has four bedrooms which seems like overkill for two people without kids – but I don’t care.

We put an offer in and found out we were up against another offer.  But we were flexible on our closing date and that put us over the top….  so we got that sucker!  We’ll probably move sometime in mid to late May.

I’m pretty pumped up about the house.  I haven’t decided what to do with the extra bedrooms.  We’ll have our own bedroom of course.  And I am sure one will become an office and / or writing room.  The other two?  Here are my ideas:

– Body painting studio

– Meth lab

– Dandelion greenhouse

– Gimp room

– Bunny grooming salon

– Fetish porn set (preferably furry mascots)

– Balloon animal creation studio

– Ice cream cake sampling space

– Naked oatmeal wrestling ring

So far I am not getting much traction with my Lady Friend on any of these ideas.  Maybe you have some better ones?