Who Wants To Buy My Stuff?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Money | Posted on 31-01-2012

You may have seen this… some bonehead has a car once owned by President Obama for sale on Ebay.  I thought this was kind of interesting.  Sure it’s a used car, but it’s also sort of a memorabilia piece.  Do you think he was driving around Chicago, bumping to some Run DMC or NWA?  Or maybe he was a rocker, kickin’ it to Zeppelin and Motley Crue?

So I wondered what it would sell for – maybe $50k?  $100k?  No, the idiot selling the car put the minimum bid at $1 million.  Are you kidding me?  The pope-mobile isn’t worth that and it’s bullet proof, water proof and sin proof…  as far as we know.

It’s doubtful this dummy will sell the thing, but even if he were to get HALF that amount it would be insane.  So that got me thinking.  I have every intention of making it big someday.  There will come a time when you’ll be able to say “I knew that dude back when he was writing about drinking beer and scratching himself.”  Just HOW I will make it big still remains a mystery.

And when I hit the big time I don’t want to see a bunch of morons trying to sell crap on Ebay that once belonged to me.  I want that money for myself…  I’m greedy.  I am going to set aside some random shit with the hopes that it will have ridiculous value someday.

Over the course of this week I’ll share some of these soon-to-be-priceless items with you!

You can almost make out the shape of my ass...

 

I’ve had this leather recliner for about 10 years.  It fits my butt very well.  I’m sitting in it right now!  The footrest thing is broken, it goes up when you recline, but won’t close all the way.  When I make it big I’ll be selling this – complete with my ass print – for only $43,000.

 

Sorry, the staples are sold separately

 

I stole this stapler from a former place of work when I quit to become self employed.  I needed to set up my home office, so it’s one of many things I stole fair and square.  If there can be such a thing.  It’s another item I have had awhile..  almost 9 years.  But I’ll be willing to part with it for a paltry $3,999.  Yep, LESS than four grand!  It’s a steal!

Anyone want to bid yet?

The garage sale will continue tomorrow……

SD

 

Redneck Wino?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Weekends | Posted on 29-01-2012

This year for Christmas I got one of the most appropriate gifts I’ve ever been given – and the ironic thing is that it came from someone who didn’t even know me all that well, someone in my Lady Friend’s family.

The Redneck Wine Glass:

It’s a mason jar with a wine glass type stem.  Brilliant.

I don’t consider myself to be a redneck – I’m educated with a professional career.  But as you know there is one important characteristic I share with the redneck-folk:  A Simple way of thinking.

And for that, I can appreciate them.  Even if they are a little backwards.  So tonight I will be raising my redneck wine glass in a toast to all that is Simple.

Who’s with me?

Also…

Have you ever heard guys making stupid statements, saying they’ll get a tattoo of something idiotic if a certain sports team wins an unlikely game?  It happens.  And when it does they usually back down.  Not this time.

One of my loyal followers Doug from Fumbled Returns has a friend who made one of these statements regarding Tim Tebow.  Yeah, THAT Tim Tebow.  And now he is going to have to get a tattoo.  The best part is that WE get to help choose the moronic tattoo!

Click here for the story and to choose from a couple designs – oh, and this is one of the possibilities:

The only thing worse would be a unicorn.

Even if you are a Denver Broncos fan you’d have to admit that would be an ugly-ass tattoo!!

SD

 

Analyzing The Office Happy Hour

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Work | Posted on 27-01-2012

Do you have office happy hours?  We do for a variety of reasons.  Maybe we had a particularly good month, or someone is leaving to go work somewhere else.

(That seems to happen a lot.  I wonder why?  Oh yeah, because we’re grossly underpaid!)

Once in awhile we have happy hours just because we haven’t had one in awhile.

Sometimes there is a good turnout with people staying for a three or four drinks.  Other times people only stick around for one or two drinks.

Drunkeness is no excuse for squatting on a pool table

Why the discrepancy?  Through the process of all these happy hours I have used my advanced sense of observation and analytical thinking to learn a few things about human behavior… and it may surprise you.

Happy Hours that are started EARLIER than the normal end-of-the-work-day time are less successful than ones started closer to the normal time we end our workdays.  I know this seems backwards right?

You’d think if the happy hour started at 3:00 that more people would be excited to leave work early to get their drink on.

Here is what happens.  At 3:00 people head down to the bar.  The have one drink, do a little bullshitting with their co-workers then realize they could leave at 3:30pm and be home that much earlier than a normal day.  But when you start the happy hour at say 4:30 people plan on staying a little longer.  They get clearance from their significant others to stay after work a bit, which takes away any possible guilt – that is an important factor.

I think this guy bought me a shot once.

But the late happy hours are the ones that can be dangerous.  I’ve had plenty of happy hours that started at 4:30, and end around midnight.  Not good.  Especially on a Tuesday.  But those later starting happy hours are inevitably the ones that are more fun, better attended and sometimes talked about for a long time.

I know it’s nice to get out of work early, believe me, I’ve mastered the art of working as little as possible.  But if you are planning a work happy hour, and you want it to be the kind of event people are talking about for months… have it start closer to the end of the work day.

Although I should mention that there is a big exception to this rule:  The REALLY early happy hour.  The one that basically means everyone works a half day – then heads to the bar shortly after lunch.

These work functions are also talked about for a long time, though usually for all the wrong reasons… some examples could be:

–A couple of coworkers made out in a back corner (often married or same sex coworkers)

–Someone got really drunk and flashed everyone in the bar. (This typically ends up being the least attractive person in the company)

–The boss told a “funny” story about that time he picked up a tranny hooker.  Hey, it happens.

No matter what time you start your happy hour you have to keep one thought in your mind at ALL times.  These people may be a lot of fun to hang out with right now… but you are going to have to see them when you’re all stone cold sober tomorrow.

If dancing on a table using your tie or belt as a head band is something you won’t mind being discussed by everyone the next day, then GO FOR IT.

You only live once right?

SD

P.S.  The Simple Dude has a new sponsor… the funny blog Crack You Whip.  Tracie is not only a funny writer, but also a creative artist!  Those of you who love the blog Hyperbole And A Half will get a kick out of Crack You Whip – and she actually posts quite often!

Go check her out – and tell her I sent ya!

 

A New Way To Make Eating Ice Cream Look Dirty

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Food | Posted on 25-01-2012

The other day I was enjoying an ice cream cone – as one should do.  It’s one of my favorite foods, truth be told.

And as I was finishing it, I had a memory come flashing back.  Does that ever happen to you?  You’re doing something routine, and are suddenly reminded of a memory from your youth – maybe something you haven’t even thought of in years.  It’s like stumbling through a doorway in the long, dark, dusty hallway of your distant memories.

The cone I was eating was one of those kinds that comes to a point at the bottom.  On a side note, those cones are annoying as hell.  You can’t even set them down.  What are you supposed to do if you have to quickly answer the phone, scratch yourself, fry an egg or box the clown.  That’s not a masturbation euphemism – there is a clown in my neighborhood with a mean right uppercut.

Anyway, I was finishing up the cone the other day and this memory pops into my head.  When I was a kid eating those  pointy cones, I would sometimes hold them up and bite off the very bottom tip.  Then as the ice cream melted and slowly dripped out I would eat it from the bottom.

I tried to explain what I used to do, to my Lady Friend.  Unfortunately the cone I was eating was gone so I didn’t have a way to visualize the concept, and it wasn’t getting through to her.  So I had to mime what I would do with the cone after biting off the bottom tip.

The Lady Friend is more creative than I am, so she depicted what she THOUGHT my childhood ice cream experience must have looked like:

As you can or can’t tell by the drawing, what I was doing to mime slurping ice cream out of a cone gave her an entirely different picture than what was intended.

And after seeing her intrepretation I can only imagine what it looked like I was doing in our living room, while trying to tell her the story. My innocent childhood memory was turned into a cheap, dirty laugh.

Hard to blame her… I would have done the same thing.

SD

 

The Fountain Of Mucus

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity | Posted on 23-01-2012

WARNING…  this post may disgust some people.  It disgusts me.

I am just getting over being sick, basically for the last three or four days.  Nothing too severe.  No vomiting, no urgent duck-walk trips to the bathroom just barely avoiding making a mess in my pants, no severe cough that has kept me and everyone in my neighborhood awake at night.  All of those symptoms can be a real pain in the ass, but I’ll say one thing about them:

I understand them.

When you have a stomach flu bug it’s not uncommon to get an upset stomach.  And that results in unpleasant things coming out of both ends.  Often at the least desirable times.  When you have a cold a sore throat is common.  It’s dry, it’s scratchy, often from coughing or maybe because of the coughing.  It sucks, but I get it.

The symptom that’s been plaguing me is particularly annoying because it makes…. no…. sense.  I’m talking about mucus.  Specifically the kind that migrates it’s way out of your nose.  I have no idea what this stuff is, where it comes from, how it’s made or what purpose it serves.  All I know is that I can blow my nose about once every half hour and fill the tissue.

My nose should be sponsored by Puffs.

This dude haunts me in my dreams

If someone would come up with a way to sell mucus, I’d be an instant millionaire.  I was bitching about it on Sunday and my Lady Friend happened to be sitting at her computer.  So she googled mucus and found it’s mostly made up of water.

She said that could be one reason you seem to be more thirsty when you’re sick – your body is draining all it’s liquid out through your nose.

She also made a comment about how people say you should drink lots of fluid when you are sick.  But why the hell would I do that?  To produce more mucus?  Disgusting.

I have my own idea.

Next time I get sick I am not drinking a damn thing.  Maybe a beer or some coffee here and there.  No water, no juice.  Screw that.  Let me get dehydrated – it will save me some money not having to buy all that Kleenex.

Next time I get sick I am taking a stand against mucus, and not just for myself.  I’m doing it for every one of you.

Wish me luck.

SD

P.S. – don’t forget to enter the Pineville Heist contest to win $100!  You could buy a lot of tissues with that cash!!   CLICK HERE and check out the bottom of my post on Friday for details.

 

Rock Me… Tonight?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Music | Posted on 20-01-2012

Do you ever start a blog post with nothing to write about?  Just open the page and start typing with hopes at some point, somehow you’ll discover a topic worth writing about?  Yep, that’s me right now.

I could write about what I have been up to lately, but i’ve been so busy with work that there hasn’t been time for much else.  The most interesting thing I’ve done lately is buy new shoes.  Thrilling huh?

I could write about a funny story from my past… I do have lots of those stories, having shared a number of them here.  But I haven’t been in a real “looking back” kind of mood lately.  Maybe I’m getting old.

None of those things really interest me right now.  But I do have an idea, one I’ve considered for awhile…  posting really bad music videos – particularly the ones made for good songs.  You’ve seen videos like these – usually from the 80′s.  Songs that are not terrible and sometimes even decent.  But the videos made for them are absolute horse shit.  Embarrassing for the artists at best, painful for us to watch at their worst.

Since there are an enormous amount of bad music videos, there may be more of these to come.  For now… “enjoy” Billy Squier’s Rock Me Tonite.


This could be among the worst music videos of all time in any era.  I think I read somewhere how embarrassed Billy is about this – God knows I sure would be.

Which do you think is worse… the drawstring white cotton pants or the Pat Benatar wanna-be torn sleeveless shirt?  It’s funny how he tears the shirt off (at the 1:31 mark) then immediately puts on a different, only slightly less ugly shirt.

Yes, that’s his spelling for “tonight”, not mine.  And how about his exaggerated finger snapping and bizarre crawling around on the floor thing.  This video has it all!  He seems a bit effeminate here, but he is a straight guy, loving the ladies.  Or at least he claims to be.

To be honest, the song is sort of a guilty pleasure for me – I’ve always liked it.  Try watching with your eyes closed…

I’ll wait…

….  It’s better that way isn’t it?

ALSO…  remember the Pineville Heist $100 giveaway?  It’s been extended through February 1st.  And if you haven’t yet, there is still time to enter the drawing!  It’s easy!

Lee Chambers just launched THE PINEVILLE HEIST eBook on www.smashwords.com and he’s offering the book for free till February 1st. FREE!  Just use the promo code ND92Q in the checkout to download it FREE.

Then cruise on over to THE PINEVILLE HEIST Facebook page and post that you picked up the e-book courtesy of The Simple Dude and you’ll be in the running!  That’s a $50 Amazon gift card AND a $50 VISA gift card.  Think of all the crap you could buy!!!

SD


ABC’s “Work It” Didn’t Get The Job Done

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in TV | Posted on 17-01-2012

Hey folks..  I wanted to take a minute to tell you about this great new sitcom on ABC called Work It.  It will sort of remind you of the old Tom Hanks TV show Bosom Buddies.  It stars one of the guys from Prison Break, a show I personally liked a lot.

Here they are, as both dudes and dudettes

From what I have read, Work It centers around two guys who are having a tough time getting a job in this bad economy.  So they decide to increase their chances by dressing up like women. Or maybe it has nothing to do with jobs and is just a fetish thing, who knows.

But when you have dudes dressing up like dudettes there is no doubt hilarity will ensue!  It premiered on January 3rd, so I am looking forward to catching it soon.

Wait…  what’s that?  CANCELLED?  The show was cancelled already?  After only two episodes?  Yikes.  And it was such a funny premise, I just don’t get it.  (sarcasm)

It seems every year there is a new show that gets made and only lasts a handful of episodes before being dumped.  I always wonder about these shows.  Are there people out there who really love them (other than those working on the show) and are completely heartbroken when it goes off the air?

Over the years I’ve I liked some shows that get cancelled after one full season, but I’ve never liked a show that was pulled off the air in five episodes or less.  I would probably wonder what the hell was wrong with me for liking a show that was apparently so bad.

One I liked about 4 or 5 years ago was a funny show called The Class.  It lasted one full season and was axed.

Have you had a favorite show cancelled in less than a season?

SD