The Simple DudeA Simple Dude in a Complex World

As I’ve been doing the last couple weeks I am letting someone else do my dirty work… in the form of a guest post.  And once again it’s a relatively new blogger who deserves some attention.  Youngman Brown is a very funny writer – go check him out!

But first read his story about a cute girl and a Pilates class that took an interesting turn….

I went to a liberal arts college, and I waited to take my last PE required course until last semester of my senior year.  The only course that fit into my schedule was Pilates.  Out of the 32 students in the class, I was the lone male.

One might think that this would be a great scenario for a single guy, but it was actually quite awkward.  The girls probably felt awkward with a guy in the class, and I certainly felt awkward as I attempted to twist and bend my body in unthinkable ways, generally failing.  The room setup was what I assume to be a standard layout for such a class — one half of the room facing the other half, while the instructor walked up and down the middle like a drill sergeant.  It certainly felt like boot camp.

Anyway, with the floorplan of the room as such, I was seated in the front row of one of the sides with the most attractive of the girls directly across from me.  You know, so that she could more clearly scrutinize my inflexibility.  God’s way of giving me a real confidence boost as I tried to do this:

The goal of my Pilates Adventure was not to learn the exercises.  Nor was it to become a more flexible and strong human being. 

No. 

My goal quickly became to get this girl to notice me, and not for my inability to do the swan dive.  So I did what any grown man did when he wanted a girls attention: I acted like a child.

 I grunted and moaned when we had to do tough exercises.  I made faces and rolled my eyes when the instructor was making a moronic cheer of encouragement while telling us to “Hooollllllld” our positions.  I would even say things like, “Are you sure that Pilates was invented by a man?” as I tried to cross my legs in ways that no man should.  Basically, I made it abundantly clear that I was aware that I was incapable of doing some of the exercises and that I did not take myself seriously.

And it was working.  The girl across the way constantly giggled and reacted to my comments.  One day, I knew I was a lock to ask her out on a date when she smiled at me while in this pose:

It was the stuff that dreams are made of, I’m telling you.  Who would have known that my inflexibility would actually equate to sexual prowess.

I was confident.

I was poised.

I was ready to get the babe.

After the class was over, I was going to ask her out.. 

As they often are, however, my dream was short-lived.  While in this position…

…she farted.

And it was a doosy, too.  I mean, the poor girl.  Go ahead and take a minute now to try to think of a worse position to be in while letting one rip in a deliberately quiet and tranquil atmosphere. 

Any luck? 

I didn’t think so.  It is such a vulnerable position to be in when you’ve got one brewing.  No clenching is possible.  Just you and the sky, baby.

Anyway, you might be wondering how I can be sure that it was her.  It really wasn’t that hard to triangulate the sound, but after it happened, I peered around my own body to see her face an unimaginable shade of red, as she was probably asking her kneecaps “Why me?”  Some of the other girls were laughing, and she booked it out of there after the class and she didn’t come back for the rest of the year.

I’m not sure if I would have asked her out on a date after that, but I certainly would have given her a word of advice about how to deal with it henceforth.  All she would need to do is make fun of herself.  Maybe sprinkle in a couple toots here and there to let us know that she didn’t take herself too seriously.

Maybe then the cutest guy in the class would ask her out.

Thanks dude – very funny stuff.  Don’t forget to go check out Youngman Brown and his writing!  Oh and as for me?  If she was as hot as he says – there is no way a toot would have kept me from asking her out!

SD