As I’ve mentioned, things have been busy for me lately. Because of this I was forced to squeeze the vast majority of my Christmas shopping into one day on Sunday. It was borderline miserable. The malls and stores were all packed, being the last weekend before Christmas.
But I sucked it up and powered through. I pushed my way past the little old ladies, Shoved the self loathing housewives. Elbowed the overweight clueless dudes trying to by bathrobes for their women and stepped on any little rug rats that got in my way.
It was a success, but there is one thing I learned in my experiences… people buy some ugly holiday shit – especially ornaments. They MUST buy it, or it wouldn’t exist in the stores right?
And you know me… I took photos. First up is the Star Trek tree ornament.
I understand geeks like geeky things, but this is just dumb. I saw a couple Star Wars themed ornaments as well, in case the geek in you has a dark side… get it?
At the next store I visited I saw something both disturbing and irritating. The teacher nutcracker:
It disturbed me because, well, it’s creepy. Very creepy. But all nutcrackers are kind of creepy aren’t they? Those stoic, stiff expressions and painted-on smiles. They remind me of aging supermodels who have had too much work done.
But it also irritated me because I started to think of what it would be like to be a teacher and have a student buy this for me. Not only would I fail the kid, but I’d fail any of his younger brothers and sisters for years to come… all out of spite.
That brought me to the most ridiculous Christmas item I saw… the pickle ornament:
I used to like pickles until I saw this. Now I am pissed at them. Who do they think they are invading peoples Christmas trees? That’s pretty rude. They’re just glorified cucumbers. But as I said before, someone must be buying this crap or they wouldn’t offer it. Morons.
Fortunately I stumbled onto an item that somewhat redeemed my faith in the Christmas spirit, letting me know society hasn’t degraded into a worthless bunch of moronic consumers buying any amount of crap, just because it’s holiday themed.
The beer ornament:
I did not buy this on the spot, but have regretted it ever since. I may have to sneak away from work to pick this sucker up sometime this week. I’m sure the Lady Friend will be thrilled when it magically appears on the tree.
Wait… if I were to buy this, then I would be one of those moron consumers wouldn’t I?