19
Does Christmas Turn Consumers Into Morons?
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 19-12-2011
As I’ve mentioned, things have been busy for me lately. Because of this I was forced to squeeze the vast majority of my Christmas shopping into one day on Sunday. It was borderline miserable. The malls and stores were all packed, being the last weekend before Christmas.
But I sucked it up and powered through. I pushed my way past the little old ladies, Shoved the self loathing housewives. Elbowed the overweight clueless dudes trying to by bathrobes for their women and stepped on any little rug rats that got in my way.
It was a success, but there is one thing I learned in my experiences… people buy some ugly holiday shit – especially ornaments. They MUST buy it, or it wouldn’t exist in the stores right?
And you know me… I took photos. First up is the Star Trek tree ornament.
Beam me up.... Santa?
I understand geeks like geeky things, but this is just dumb. I saw a couple Star Wars themed ornaments as well, in case the geek in you has a dark side… get it?
At the next store I visited I saw something both disturbing and irritating. The teacher nutcracker:
I've had teachers that looked creepier than this actually.
It disturbed me because, well, it’s creepy. Very creepy. But all nutcrackers are kind of creepy aren’t they? Those stoic, stiff expressions and painted-on smiles. They remind me of aging supermodels who have had too much work done.
But it also irritated me because I started to think of what it would be like to be a teacher and have a student buy this for me. Not only would I fail the kid, but I’d fail any of his younger brothers and sisters for years to come… all out of spite.
That brought me to the most ridiculous Christmas item I saw… the pickle ornament:
This could bring a whole new meaning to "Hide The Pickle"
I used to like pickles until I saw this. Now I am pissed at them. Who do they think they are invading peoples Christmas trees? That’s pretty rude. They’re just glorified cucumbers. But as I said before, someone must be buying this crap or they wouldn’t offer it. Morons.
Fortunately I stumbled onto an item that somewhat redeemed my faith in the Christmas spirit, letting me know society hasn’t degraded into a worthless bunch of moronic consumers buying any amount of crap, just because it’s holiday themed.
The beer ornament:
Holiday Happy Hour anyone?
I did not buy this on the spot, but have regretted it ever since. I may have to sneak away from work to pick this sucker up sometime this week. I’m sure the Lady Friend will be thrilled when it magically appears on the tree.
Wait… if I were to buy this, then I would be one of those moron consumers wouldn’t I?
Dammit.
SD
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” ….. And we all know that suffering means having to fight christmas mobs at the mall.
I’m pretty sure malls are a dark side invention. A fact that I am not proud of.
Haven recently posted: Reading the Mind in the Eyes
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@9:33 am
The pickle is one of the weirdest and non-sensical Christmas traditions I’ve ever heard of, and yes, I’ve had a pickle ornament on my family’s Christmas tree before. Apparently, you hide the pickle and the first one to find it gets… I have no clue, maybe you get to shout out, “I FOUND THE PICKLE!” which is obviously a gift in and of itself.
Hide the Pickle sounds like a game the drunk uncle would play, which disturbs me for even thinking.
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@9:43 am
If I remember right, there is some odd tradition with the Christmas pickle. You’re supposed to hide it in the tree, kind of like ‘hide the salami.’ Whomever finds it gets, I dunno, something. 6 minutes alone in the closet with Uncle Creepy?
As far as the nutcracker goes, I wish this was around 15 years ago. I can’t tell you how many times I told my Journalism teacher “You’re bustin my balls, teach!” This would have been the perfect gift.
Brandon recently posted: Have You Ever Wondered What Rudolph Tastes Like? Reindeer Pate For Sale
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@10:06 am
Ball Buster = Nut Cracker, then sure there is a one to one correlation between most teachers and most Holiday “treat retrievers”
WilyGuy recently posted: Scrooged by Worst Buy
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@11:17 am
Yeah, my brother in law plays “hide the pickle” with his daughters. Sounds creepy when you think about it, but when you see it in action it’s just an Easter egg hunt with a fake phallic vegetable.
That nutcrackin’ teacher creeped me out. And you should def. go back for the beer ornament. Or you could save your money and buy a real beer. Either way.
Chris recently posted: 3,000 hits…now what?
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@2:47 pm
I’m guessing someone much like yourself made up the “hide the pickle” tradition to see if his family was dumb enough to buy into it…they were… and shared with friends. Talk about something backfiring on ya! Merry Christmas SD!
Random Girl recently posted: Day 19 of reverb11 – Moved by Generosity
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@3:35 pm
I had a teacher whose entire music class consisted of all of us putting our heads down on a desk while he played a record. I don’t think that qualifies as an instructional strategy.
Posted on: Dec/19/2011@11:41 pm
I must agree that all of those ornaments are pretty moronic, but sometimes dumb things just must be bought, even by us not so moronic folks
Merry Ho Ho’s Im also pretty happy to say most of ours is done, with the exception of Max (the new pup)
Doria recently posted: Music for a Tuesday
Posted on: Dec/20/2011@1:05 pm
The other day when I was at the Hallmark store in the mall, one of the cashiers kept getting phone calls with people asking if they had certain ornaments still in stock. Then he told them that he was only able to hold it aside for them for three hours, due to high demand.
So yea, I suppose people really do buy Millennium Falcon ornaments.
Youngman Brown recently posted: Blood Work Makes Me Grimace
Posted on: Dec/20/2011@2:49 pm
I can’t believe you went through the trouble to take pictures! But glad you did! You made me smile today and that Simple Dude was a accomplishment. Thanks!
justlittlecajunme recently posted: Introducing Mr and Mrs …
Posted on: Dec/20/2011@6:27 pm
You are too, too funny. I guess I will need to make a trip to one of my local malls to see the … UMMM … unusual stuff that is out there. The truth is I am a cyber shopper and find it much more to my liking. I certainly don’t miss some of the goofballs that you run into while plowing through the stores and checkout lines. But now that I think of it you can find some truly funky stuff on line as well. Happy Holidays and don’t forget the beer mug ornament. It is a classic.
, Susan Cooper
Susan Cooper recently posted: Twas The Night
Posted on: Dec/20/2011@7:40 pm
I think that nutcracker taught me Earth Science in 1975.
Kathy recently posted: What’s Wrong With This Picture?
Posted on: Dec/21/2011@2:42 am
It’s a Star Trek thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Posted on: Dec/23/2011@2:18 pm
Hiding the pickle is a German tradition
Posted on: Jan/4/2012@6:04 pm