Some Guys Bend Over Backwards For Hot Girls

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Guest Posting | Posted on 29-12-2011

As I’ve been doing the last couple weeks I am letting someone else do my dirty work… in the form of a guest post.  And once again it’s a relatively new blogger who deserves some attention.  Youngman Brown is a very funny writer – go check him out!

But first read his story about a cute girl and a Pilates class that took an interesting turn….

I went to a liberal arts college, and I waited to take my last PE required course until last semester of my senior year.  The only course that fit into my schedule was Pilates.  Out of the 32 students in the class, I was the lone male.

One might think that this would be a great scenario for a single guy, but it was actually quite awkward.  The girls probably felt awkward with a guy in the class, and I certainly felt awkward as I attempted to twist and bend my body in unthinkable ways, generally failing.  The room setup was what I assume to be a standard layout for such a class — one half of the room facing the other half, while the instructor walked up and down the middle like a drill sergeant.  It certainly felt like boot camp.

Anyway, with the floorplan of the room as such, I was seated in the front row of one of the sides with the most attractive of the girls directly across from me.  You know, so that she could more clearly scrutinize my inflexibility.  God’s way of giving me a real confidence boost as I tried to do this:

The goal of my Pilates Adventure was not to learn the exercises.  Nor was it to become a more flexible and strong human being. 

No. 

My goal quickly became to get this girl to notice me, and not for my inability to do the swan dive.  So I did what any grown man did when he wanted a girls attention: I acted like a child.

 I grunted and moaned when we had to do tough exercises.  I made faces and rolled my eyes when the instructor was making a moronic cheer of encouragement while telling us to “Hooollllllld” our positions.  I would even say things like, “Are you sure that Pilates was invented by a man?” as I tried to cross my legs in ways that no man should.  Basically, I made it abundantly clear that I was aware that I was incapable of doing some of the exercises and that I did not take myself seriously.

And it was working.  The girl across the way constantly giggled and reacted to my comments.  One day, I knew I was a lock to ask her out on a date when she smiled at me while in this pose:

It was the stuff that dreams are made of, I’m telling you.  Who would have known that my inflexibility would actually equate to sexual prowess.

I was confident.

I was poised.

I was ready to get the babe.

After the class was over, I was going to ask her out.. 

As they often are, however, my dream was short-lived.  While in this position…

…she farted.

And it was a doosy, too.  I mean, the poor girl.  Go ahead and take a minute now to try to think of a worse position to be in while letting one rip in a deliberately quiet and tranquil atmosphere. 

Any luck? 

I didn’t think so.  It is such a vulnerable position to be in when you’ve got one brewing.  No clenching is possible.  Just you and the sky, baby.

Anyway, you might be wondering how I can be sure that it was her.  It really wasn’t that hard to triangulate the sound, but after it happened, I peered around my own body to see her face an unimaginable shade of red, as she was probably asking her kneecaps “Why me?”  Some of the other girls were laughing, and she booked it out of there after the class and she didn’t come back for the rest of the year.

I’m not sure if I would have asked her out on a date after that, but I certainly would have given her a word of advice about how to deal with it henceforth.  All she would need to do is make fun of herself.  Maybe sprinkle in a couple toots here and there to let us know that she didn’t take herself too seriously.

Maybe then the cutest guy in the class would ask her out.

 

Thanks dude – very funny stuff.  Don’t forget to go check out Youngman Brown and his writing!  Oh and as for me?  If she was as hot as he says – there is no way a toot would have kept me from asking her out!

SD

 

Still time to WIN a FREE $100

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Giveaways | Posted on 27-12-2011

We had a completely brown Christmas, no snow whatsoever.  That’s pretty rare for us here in Minnesota.  Or Minne-SNOW-Ta as some smart-asses like to call it.  And in fact it was 50 degrees here yesterday.  Can you believe that??  Our average high is probably 30 this time of year.  Uhhh..  global warming anyone?

Now that Christmas is done, it’s time for you to take care of YOURSELF.  There is still time for you to enter the drawing to win a $50 VISA gift card and $50 Amazon gift card.  Both will be going to ONE person, courtesy of Lee Chambers and The Pineville Heist.

How do you enter?  It’s Simple… like I’d have it any other way!

1.  Purchase the thriller The Pineville Heist in e-book format for JUST 99 cents – yes, it’s LESS than one dollar!

2.  Review the book on Amazon.

3. And “LIKE” The Pineville Heist on Facebook.

Five lucky people who review the book and LIKE it on Facebook will be chosen at random to receive an autographed paperback copy of The Pineville Heist.   And one grand prize winner will get a $50 VISA gift card AND a $50 Amazon gift card.  Have I mentioned this book is being made into a movie?  Yep, this is big time!

The drawing will be held this Saturday, New Years Eve.  So hop on this deal RIGHT NOW!!

My busy work schedule continues… I worked 12 hours yesterday.  Today is a bit better, probably only putting in 9 hours.  But right through this coming weekend I expect to work 55 hours this week.  And no, I don’t work in retail – but I now have complete sympathy for those who do during the holiday season.

But that just means I’ve got another funny guest post coming your way this week… stay tuned!

SD

Talk About A Bad Santa

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 23-12-2011

Parents can be so sadistic this time of year…

 


 

Merry Christmas!

 

 

Surviving An Office Annoyance

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Work | Posted on 21-12-2011

My out of control busy life continues…  I’ll work about 50 hours both this week and next – including Dec 26th the day after Christmas, which I’m guessing is a holiday for MOST people.  Not me.

The good news is another one of my awesome readers stepped up to write a guest post for me.  This is from Justine from Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One.  She is a great writer who shares funny stories about her life.  I am thinking about hiring her to put some shelves up above my desk!

In keeping with the “work” theme today, she’s giving some advice on how to handle a certain annoying type of coworker.

Enjoy…

In general, I consider myself a pretty friendly person.

 I have good manners. I get along with just about anybody. And I can make small talk like nobody’s business.

 The thing is, while I enjoy being friendly with just about anyone (I rule out terrorists, rapists, and people who didn’t “get” the movie Inception), it doesn’t mean I want to be friends with just about anyone.

 Girl’s gotta have standards.

 Case in point: co-workers. Similar to the neighbors you inherit when you move into an apartment complex, there’s a fine line you’re forced to dance between “are we friends?” or “are we just forced to see each other a lot?”

 For the most part, you can perform this dance without stepping on any toes by simply being polite. Things get stickier when someone starts boogie-ing in your personal space.

 I’m talking about the guy at work who keeps trying to give you a nickname.

 You know who I’m talking about. The one who says things like, “You’re kind of quiet. I’m going to start calling you The Quiet Girl!” Or, “Why do you always eat lunch by yourself? You’re totally a lone wolf. What’s UP, Lone Wolf!!”

 The GAWWKTTGYAN is a character so prevalent, he’s even been immortalized in TV shows. (See: The Office, Andy, and “Big Tuna.”)

 Basically what that sentence is supposed to mean is that I’m NOT making this guy up. He is very, very real.

 So how to handle it. Obviously, this guy means well. I imagine he doesn’t have a lot of friends, which is why he has to force over-familiar relationships with co-workers. But we should not have to be subjected to nicknames that basically point out that we want to be left alone.

 So here’s what you do:

 (You’re at your desk and see GAWWKTTGYAN circling in. Pretend not to see him. I repeat: DO NOT ENGAGE. Engaging will only reinforce that you are, in fact, buddies.)

 Him: Hey there!

 You: Oh…hey…

 Him: You look tired! Why are you so tired?

 You: Oh..that’s…insulting…um, I guess I had to get up early?

 Him: Aw man, isn’t waking up THE WORST? But you really look tired. I’m going to start calling you SLEEPY GIRL!

 AND HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART:

You'll want to learn how to make this face.

Widen your eyes like you are genuinely shocked/a little frightened of the possibility. Then timidly murmur, “Are you?”

 The GAWWKTTGYAN is nice and also kind of insecure, so he will feel instantly bad about doing something you don’t like (and which, in turn, could make you not like him). Then the following will happen:

 Him: Nahhhh I’m just messing with you. See you around!

 You: Mkay. (Back to work.)

 And scene.

 I know. It’s almost like I’m an awkwardness ninja. You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.

Thanks Justine – written like a true office genius.  I have had plenty of encounters with these types of dudes and this advice should be heeded!  Don’t forget to go see Justine and let her know what you think of her guest post!

Anyone else care to help me out?

SD

 

Does Christmas Turn Consumers Into Morons?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Holidays | Posted on 19-12-2011

As I’ve mentioned, things have been busy for me lately.  Because of this I was forced to squeeze the vast majority of my Christmas shopping into one day on Sunday.  It was borderline miserable.  The malls and stores were all packed, being the last weekend before Christmas.

But I sucked it up and powered through.  I pushed my way past the little old ladies,  Shoved the self loathing housewives.  Elbowed the overweight clueless dudes trying to by bathrobes for their women and stepped on any little rug rats that got in my way.

It was a success, but there is one thing I learned in my experiences…  people buy some ugly holiday shit – especially ornaments.  They MUST buy it, or it wouldn’t exist in the stores right?

And you know me… I took photos.  First up is the Star Trek tree ornament.

Beam me up.... Santa?

I understand geeks like geeky things, but this is just dumb.  I saw a couple Star Wars themed ornaments as well, in case the geek in you has a dark side…  get it?

At the next store I visited I saw something both disturbing and irritating.  The teacher nutcracker:

I've had teachers that looked creepier than this actually.

It disturbed me because, well, it’s creepy.  Very creepy.  But all nutcrackers are kind of creepy aren’t they?  Those stoic, stiff expressions and painted-on smiles.  They remind me of aging supermodels who have had too much work done.

But it also irritated me because I started to think of what it would be like to be a teacher and have a student buy this for me.  Not only would I fail the kid, but I’d fail any of his younger brothers and sisters for years to come… all out of spite.

That brought me to the most ridiculous Christmas item I saw…  the pickle ornament:

This could bring a whole new meaning to "Hide The Pickle"

I used to like pickles until I saw this.  Now I am pissed at them.  Who do they think they are invading peoples Christmas trees?  That’s pretty rude.  They’re just glorified cucumbers.  But as I said before, someone must be buying this crap or they wouldn’t offer it.  Morons.

Fortunately I stumbled onto an item that somewhat redeemed my faith in the Christmas spirit, letting me know society hasn’t degraded into a worthless bunch of moronic consumers buying any amount of crap, just because it’s holiday themed.

The beer ornament:

Holiday Happy Hour anyone?

I did not buy this on the spot, but have regretted it ever since.  I may have to sneak away from work to pick this sucker up sometime this week.  I’m sure the Lady Friend will be thrilled when it magically appears on the tree.

Wait… if I were to buy this, then I would be one of those moron consumers wouldn’t I?

Dammit.

SD

 

Guest Puppy Post!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Guest Posting | Posted on 16-12-2011

As mentioned last week I’m going through a busy time at work.  I worked 10 – 11 hour days last week, and expect much of the same through mid January.  It’s not all bad, it’s an exciting time for our company and good things are happening so I don’t mind being busy.

On top of that we have a new dog in our house that we recused from a shelter.  So needless to say I won’t have a lot of time for the blog over the next month.

One of my loyal readers Doug (aka The Referee) at Fumbled Returns saw me posting about being busy and offered to help in the form of a guest post.  Knowing I had a new dog in the house – he wrote a great post about the things the Lady Friend and I can look forward to…  enjoy!

 

 SD has taken the leap into the exciting world of dog ownership so I thought I would offer up some sagely tips, tricks and advice.

 First and foremost, rescue dogs make great pets!  We have two retired greyhounds and have fostered 11 others. 

 Rescues come from lots of different backgrounds and each has a story to tell.

When it comes to raising dogs, just remember this.  They are just like kids and will quickly become an important member of your family.

 And just like any kid, you need to give him or her a purpose.  Or in this case a chore.  A cleaning activity is always a good choice!

Even though dogs do become a valuable member of the family and provide many useful and important roles, you cannot use them as a tax deduction. 

Unless if you foster . . . then you can write off the expenses.

 And as they get older, just like teenagers, you need to watch what they do.  Especially on the internet.

And God forbid that they start socializing with the girl next door.

 SD, your best bet is to treat him or her like one of the guys, offer your pet comfortable chair or sofa, a good view of the TV and a bottle of Bowser Beer!

             

Thanks for the awesome guest post Doug!  If you don’t already follow Fumbled Returns, go check out his blog.  It’s a funny mix of sports, stock, finances and his general take on every day life.

To update you on the dog, we had her for a trial week to see how things went, and it looks like we’re going to keep her.  So expect stories!

I’m open to other guest posters… I’ll probably do one per week for the next four weeks or so, to help me through this busy time.  If you have something funny to say shoot me an email and let me know!

SD

A Post About Nothing… And Silicone Penises.

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Sprocket Ink | Posted on 13-12-2011

In keeping with my theme of being busy and not spending a lot of time here I am not posting an actual post.  I mean, it is showing up like a post, but the content is suspect.

Though in truth most of my posts are suspect.  Sometimes I whine about an asshole driver, other times I tell a story about a time my Lady Friend fooled me into not eating her ice cream.  That is actually a funny story if you haven’t read it.

Come to think of it, if a space alien were to somehow be spying on earth – but only get access to my blog and nothing else, they may think that humans are a bunch of little whimpering pussies who eat McRibs, drink too much and sneak porn when their significant other isn’t home.

Anyway, this post is starting to have a purpose so I better stop there.  Go check out my Sprocket Ink post today.

It’s about a very stupid woman and very stupid man who thought silicone injected into a penis would make it bigger.  Unfortunately… this is not true.  Thanks to Random Girl for sending me the link to the story – she is a true inspiration in such matters.  I mean writing articles for Sprocket Ink of course, not silicone penises…. per se.

Coming up Thursday…  a guest post from Fumbled Returns.  He recognized how busy I am and offered to help with a post.  Come back and check it out!

SD