A Visitor In The Night

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 31-10-2011

A Visitor In The Night

by Simple Dude

BANG! BANG! BANG!  The banging sound permeated deep into his dreams, disrupting his attempt to ask the prom queen out on a date.

“What is that sound?” the dream girl asks.

“What sound?” he tries to respond, but it’s too late.  She’s fading away and the dark ceiling of his bedroom is slow appearing, bringing him back to the reality of his empty bed.

“Shit,” the sleepy guy says to himself as he realizes the dream has ended.  At least this one ended before the disappointment began.  In the ten years since high school he’s had this dream at least a dozen times, and it never ends the way dreams should end.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“What the fuck?” he says lifting up onto his elbows.  As his head clears he figures out there is someone at the back door of his house.  He glances at the clock…  1:32am.  And on a Tuesday morning?  He decides there is no way he’s going to answer the door at this hour.  But he has to at least see who the hell is out there.

He’s had occasional police or emergency sirens wake him up in the past, which is probably to be expected living right off a freeway exit.  But never someone banging at his door.  Leaving all the lights in the house off, he sneaks out of his bedroom, down the hall and into the kitchen.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Whoever is at the door, he’s one impatient bastard.  Quietly walking up to the kitchen window next to the door, he slowly moves the curtain to the side just enough to see outside. Standing on his back step is a very attractive blond girl, who appears to be in her early 20′s.  She’s hopping back and forth, switching her weight from one foot to the other anxiously.

It takes him a second to shake the sleep out of his head and understand what he is seeing.  She seems to be in some kind of trouble, so maybe he should open the door?  Plus she’s kind of hot.

Him standing in his underwear may not make the best first impression, so he quickly runs back to his bedroom and pulls on jeans and a t-shirt.  As he makes his way back to the kitchen door he hears his doorbell ring three quick times.  Shit.  His backdoor doesn’t have a doorbell.  He looks out the kitchen window and sees nothing but a dark, empty back yard.  She must have made her way around the house and is ringing the front doorbell.

He races back through the house to the front door but before opening it suddenly stops and thinks for a second.  Is opening the door to a stranger at 1:30 in the morning a smart move?

Stepping over to a window he peeks around the curtain to see the same girl, looking as anxious as she did at the backdoor.  He decides whatever her reason for being here, the right thing to do is help her out.

He unlocks the door and opens it, but she’s not there.  He leans out and looks in both directions but doesn’t see her anywhere.  The street is dark, deserted and very quiet.

Could she have run off that fast?  Did she run to back door again?  Maybe he’s still dreaming.  These are all thoughts that go through his head as he closes the door and locks it.  Then he goes to check the back door – no one there.  He makes sure that door is locked too.

Climbing back into bed he decides he’s not going to let this mystery woman or anyone else disturb him again.  He turns on his radio, lays on his side with a second pillow over his head and slowly falls back to sleep, oblivious to everything but the dream worlds his subconscious mind can create.

The next morning as he’s eating breakfast he turns on the TV, seeing a familiar sight.  The morning news reporter is doing a story from the freeway exit behind his house.  He turns up the sound.

“… at 1:30 this morning it appeared the semi driver fell asleep at the wheel, causing his truck to veer across the medium into oncoming traffic.  He struck the young woman’s car head on, killing her instantly.  She’s being identified as Amy Gleason of Roseville.”

The screen switches from the shot of the reporter to a photograph of a young woman.  A young blond woman.

“No way,” he says dropping his spoon into his cereal.  It’s her.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

SD

 

If Dumping Is A Crime, Send Me To Jail

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-10-2011

I went to a Halloween party last night where the host goes all out for the occasion.  There is not a wall, corner, light fixture, or table that doesn’t have some sort of Halloween crap on it.  This guy has been a friend of mine for years, and this was his biggest Halloween party yet.

He even has a big screen TV setup with a Twitter feed scrolling messages people were tweeting about the party – he had his own hashtag for it.  Crazy. I wish I could share pictures of his party or my costume… but you know, I have this whole anonymity thing going on.

 

The other day near my work I saw the following sign hung, high up on a building.  It reads “Under Camera Surveillance For Illegal Dumping” and it posed a few questions in my mind.

Keep Your Cameras Away From My Biz-Ness

First of all… when has it become illegal to dump.  Are you telling me that I am now breaking some new law every day?  Sometimes twice a day if things aren’t going well?

(Too much information right? I hear ya.)

And the other thing is… who is the sick bastard filming these people for breaking the poop law?  Shouldn’t THAT be considered illegal?  And you know… even if they are filming it, why would they be out there in public telling people that??

I think I may have stumbled onto some sick, perverse subculture of people who get off on pretending to be a poop authority, strong arming other people into thinking what they do daily is now illegal.  And worse, there are sick people who get off on having someone TELL them they are going to be filmed performing a gross bodily function – and yet they do it anyway.

Sometimes this world scares me.

(Yes, I know, I know.  “Dumping” means dumping garbage.  But that doesn’t fit my bizarre train of thought now does it? )

SD

 

Halloween Brings Out The Best In Me

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 28-10-2011

Here it is kids… my new blog.  Well, not really new.  Same address, same Simpleton writing it and same snarky nonsense being thrown at you.  But the look is new.  All you Blogger peeps.. Welcome to WORDPRESS.  I know it doesn’t look like much yet – it’s a work in progress and I’m sure it’ll be tweaked over the next few weeks.

If you’re a WordPress blogger and have tips or widget ideas I’d love to hear from you!

I love Halloween and I love wearing costumes.  I tweeted the other day that it’s great to be someone else for a day – so it’s the one day each year that I am not a jackass.  Ha! That’s BS of course.  I’ll still be a jackass.  Just one who happens to be wearing a costume.

This might not be a costume.. I've seen uglier babies.

I always get dressed up, whether going to a party, multiple parties or even just a bar.  There is a suburb on the northern edge of the Minneapolis area called Anoka.  It’s pronounced ah-NO-ka for anyone who gives a damn.  And Anoka is… wait for it… The Halloween Capital of the World.

Seriously, it really is.  Here is PROOF.

Sure, they are the SELF proclaimed Halloween Capital of the World, but hey, no one else had claimed it!  They were the first city in the country to have organized, city wide activities celebrating the holiday – all the way back in 1920, so they have been claiming it for a LONG time.

Originally they did it to give kids something to do and keep them out of trouble.  All this past week they have had parades, haunted houses, plays, festivals and tons of other scary crap.

Each year a few of the Anoka drinking establishments (dive bars) have huge tent parties out in their parking lot on the weekend leading up to Halloween.  It’s always a blast, and I have seen some crazy stuff up there.  I haven’t been to Anoka’s celebration for a few years now… maybe I am getting to old for all that drunken nonsense.  I prefer my drunken nonsense to be a little more low key these days.

As I have the last few years, this year I am going to a big party this year that a friend of mine puts on – and he goes BIG.  His party is tonight and he spends weeks getting his house ready with hundreds of decorations, lights or other spooky stuff.  He really gets into it and his parties are talked about all year so I am looking forward to it.

I wish I could send a picture of my costume but it would threaten my anonymity.  This year I am going as a hippy.  By the end of the night I intend to be a drunk hippy.  Wish me luck.

And if you’re feeling Halloweenie (that sounds unintentionally dirty) and want to read about something creepy and crawly… check this out.  It’s a post from one of my latest followers who lives in Switzerland.  She’s writing about 143 live tarantulas who are now up for “adoption” as pets after being confiscated by some ding-a-ling trying to smuggle them into the country.  Eek!  It makes me want to jump on a chair just thinking about it!

Check it out:

Gydle – A Blog Of Many Flavors.. and Apparently Tarantulas.

SD

 

 

I’m A BLOGGER Blogger No More

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-10-2011

Yo Simpletons!  What do you think?  This is my new WordPress blog.  I know it’s pretty bare-bones right now, and you may see some things that aren’t working properly but never fear…  I’m on it.

What, you don't expect me to work HARD do you?

Well, eventually I’ll be on it.  This website will be a work in progress for awhile, so bear with me.  I’ll be tweaking things here and there – but don’t worry, I’ll still be throwing out some nonsense posts for your entertainment every couple days.

If any of you are WordPress bloggers and have some tips for me I’d love to hear them!  This is all very new to me, so I’m learning as I go.

I’m hoping the Google Friend Connect thing is going to work so that you’ll still be able to read my shit in your Readers or feeds…. but to be safe you should probably be following me on Twitter: @TheSimpleDude to be sure you don’t miss any crap!

(pretty slick how I worked a Twitter plug in there huh?)

SD

 

Why Can’t Road Rage Be Funny?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 21-10-2011

Do you ever have road rage?  I am mostly a calm, cool and collected dude.. but I’ll admit, on a rare occasion, sometimes an asshole can get me a little hot under the collar while I am driving.  The other day that is exactly what happened to me.  I think I got the last “laugh” though… I’ll try to illustrate it here.

This was about 5:30pm at night and I was headed home from work on a four lane divided highway near my house.   Traffic was moving along at what I would consider a pretty good pace for rush hour, probably about 50 miles an hour.  I was in the left lane and was keeping up with the rest of traffic.

 Can you figure out which one is me??

I noticed in my rear view mirror this tweaking ass hat who was moving back and forth from the left lane to the right trying to figure out a way to get in front of myself or the car next to me.  Maybe he really, really had to pee…or was anxious to get home and play Xbox with his cat.  All I know is that he wanted to get around us pretty badly.

I hate tweaking ass hats

I decided to ignore him.  A half mile later the traffic in the lane next to me sped up a bit, so he zipped into that lane, went past me then cut quickly into my lane, missing the front of my SUV by maybe 2 feet.  Then he proceeded to throw his middle finger in the air at me through his sunroof.  Of course traffic in front of me was moving just as slowly as it was behind me so he was then stuck right there for the next mile or so, tailgating the poor sap in front of him.  Way to go bud.

 

When we came to the next red stoplight there was an extra lane added to the right and he moved all the way over into it, while I stayed in the left.  We were across from each other at this point and as I pull to a stop he glared at me as if I had done something wrong.  Being the jackass I am I glared right back. It was a stare down between a Simpleton (me) and a simpleton (him). Note the LOWER CASE “s” for him.  He was NOT one of us.  He was a real schmuck.

 Like I would lose a stare down with an Ass Hat?  Not likely.

Knowing this macho staring absurdity was going nowhere I decided this shithead needed to be put in his place.  So I leaned forward and made a completely goofy face looking up, down and sideways.  I then proceed to point at him and laugh with exaggerated hand and head motions like I was some kind of lunatic.  He stopped staring, gave a quick wave as if waving me off, then turned to face forward… no doubt knowing he’d been beat.   Or maybe he thought I was absolutely crazy and had just escaped from some mental ward.

Either way, I consider it a win.

SD

 

Ask And You Shall Receive

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 19-10-2011

Every so often I post advice columns, giving my two cents on whatever random group of questions you Simpletons decide to ask me.  This serves two purposes…  it gives me something to write about, and gives you an insight into my bizarre brain.

Over the last couple weeks I received a bunch of questions through comments and email and am going to share my answers here.  You sent so many great questions that I may need to do another one of these in a few weeks – so you have any more questions, feel free to throw them at me!

Lost In Idaho asked: “How do you find your inspiration to write? Do you get it from your surroundings, recent events, or a hodgepodge of everything?”

That’s tough to answer because I have been in a funk lately.  Between being busy at work, half-heartedly looking for a new job and trying to keep the Lady Friend from getting pissed off at my excess time on the computer, I’ve admittedly neglected my blog.  Look for a re-focused SD in the next couple weeks as I want to get back to the basics… writing about shit that makes me laugh. And I’m always open to people sending me topic ideas!


Mynx asked a bunch of questions, my favorite being “Boxers or Briefs?”  She gets right down to it doesn’t she?

Boxers.  100%, no doubt.  I wore briefs growing up, and switched in college and never looked back.  I can’t stand the thought of briefs anymore.  I have a friend who swears by “boxer-briefs” and I think he’s an idiot. I know everyone has their own opinions… and I know these are very popular, but they are not for me.  At all.

They look like a medical device to me

Ok, sure they are slightly less hideous than briefs.  But the whole point of boxers is to let your stuff flow freely, as it’s supposed to.  These should not even have the word Boxers in their name.  My friend and I have argued about this…. just because they are a little longer than briefs doesn’t change things.. they are still tighty-whities.  END OF STORY. 

And Nikki asked: “Why is it that guys LOVE horror movies, more oozing blood, spilled guts and gore you see the better. But, the mere mention of the word “tampon”  or “that time of the month” and they run out the room?”

That just made me shiver reading it.  And I just shivered again right now thinking about why I shivered.  She has a hell of a point and I really don’t have a true answer.  I don’t mind blood and guts.  Growing up playing sports I saw my share of cuts, including one of my own on my forehead that wouldn’t stop bleeding.  I got 4 stitches and I was just 7 years old.  These things didn’t bother me much.

But the thought of that “time of the month” kinda grosses me out.  Some dudes are ok with having sex during that time… not me.  Sorry.  I’d rather completely pretend it doesn’t even exist.  The Lady Friend has never asked me to buy “Lady products” for her and I am very thankful for that.  It’s probably one of the reasons we are so happy.

Sorry Nikki, maybe some other guys can chime in with reasons why that whole thing scares them a bit.  It’s completely natural and EVERY woman goes through it, but I just can’t figure out why it bugs me.

Lastly…  an anonymous commenter asked if I’d ever consider sharing a photo of my eyes… they being the “windows to the soul” and all.  As a blogger who is anonymous himself, I have not shared many photos. 

But I have a story about my eyes and will share it in an upcoming post.  And in that post, yes, I will show a photo of my eyes.  I bet you can’t wait can you?  This is some real edge-of-your-seat shit isn’t it?  Ha!

Cupcakes As Weapons?!?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 18-10-2011

Do you like cupcakes?  I mean…  REALLY like them?  I do.  I have a story that may disturb you as it did with me.  I was not amused to hear of these cupcakes being destroyed in such a way.

 

 Sweet, sweet goodness

It’s my latest article from Sprocket Ink and it’s about a domestic disturbance involving baked goods.  Some real scary, icing covered subject matter here.

 

Click Here to go read all about it and let me know what you think.  I’m just hoping and praying my Lady Friend doesn’t read this and get any silly ideas.

SD