The Lady Friend Punk’d Me

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 30-06-2011

Last week my Lady Fried played a little prank on me.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I fell for this one big time.  She took something she knew about me and used it against me perfectly.  So here she is, in her own words to tell you the story:

Those of you who have lived with someone, even a roommate, you can probably relate to the inevitable fight over whose food is whose..  who paid for it and who gets to eat it.

The Simple Dude and I get along quite well until it comes to this topic. Call me selfish, but I buy these ice cream cones that I love but choose not to share. Simply because they’re mine, dammit!

I could do the passive-aggressive note with my name on it, like they do in office refrigerators, but I chose a different route. You see, SD HATES chicken salad. Detests it in fact. So, I came up with a fool-proof plan. Disguise the ice cream cones as chicken salad sandwiches.

How did I do this you ask? Well, all it took was some skills at MS Word and Google images. And there, Mama Fizzoli’s Frozen Chicken Salad Sandwiches were born.

He came home from work, and knowing I went grocery shopping, took up his usual ritual to check out “what’s new in the fridge/freezer.” He came across the Mama Fizzoli’s and without question, said it’s cool I found something new to bring for lunch to work.


My plan worked perfectly.

That is until… two days later he was digging for some Pizza Nuggets in the back of the fridge and the Mama Fizzoli’s fell flat on the floor with “Chocolate with Fudge” writing face-up. Crap. Busted.

I tried the old “but really, chicken salad, with chocolate and fudge – how could you go wrong?” But even as simple as he is, he saw through the facade and ate one of my f*cking ice cream cones with no remorse.

Note to self: get better at mocking-up commercial food packaging.

Ok, first of all.. I don’t just detest chicken salad for no good reason.  I had a pretty bad bout of food poisoning with it 10 years ago, and to this day I can’t even stand the thought of it.

She thinks she soooooo funny.  I’ll get her back one of these days.


Is The Pope Planning A Tweet-Up?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-06-2011

It’s Wednesday, and around here that doesn’t just mean Hump Day.  Wednesdays here also mean I have another article over at Sprocket Ink.  This one is a short one, but I think a pretty good one.

You may have heard about this… the Pope sent out his very first tweet the other day, using an iPad of course.  When it comes to papal tweets, apparently there is an app for that.  I thought this was kind of a funny story so I shared my thoughts on it in my own smart ass way.  How long before he tweets about that annoying big hat he has to wear?  Click here to go check it out…   ok?


I know I hit this pretty hard the other day, but just wanted to remind you… I wrote a book!!  If you didn’t catch my post on Monday, it’s sort of a two part book.  One part is my story of how I started this blog, not knowing what the hell I was doing.  The second part is full of tips, tricks and strategies I learned along the way to get followers to my blog.  Are you looking for more followers?  Then you absolutely need this book!

It’s only $1.99 which is a very small investment to make towards the long term success of your blog… don’t you think?  I should sell cars huh? 

It’s available now on Amazon for your Kindle, or at Smashwords for Kindle and just about every other format.  If you are like me and don’t have an e-reader, you can even get it in a PDF on Smashwords and just read it on your computer!  You can even look at a couple sample pages of the book first to see if it’s your thing.  See, you have no excuse.

If you still need convincing?  Check out what Jane from Rattlebox had to say about it on her blog:

Yep, for a humble £1.25 ($1.99 US) you can buy the key to blogging success. Hints, tips, jokes and a straightforward approach that will leave you thinking that yes, even a dork like me can achieve squillions of Followers.

Homework for today:  Check out my Sprocket Ink article, then go read a sample of my e-book!


Grow Your Blog: Add Followers Today!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-06-2011

I’ve been teasing this for a few weeks and I am finally ready to go into launch mode.  I am now officially an e-published author!  Yep, even a jackass like me can write a book these days.  And this book is one that can help you become a BETTER BLOGGER.

I’ve answered lots of emails and comments from people asking how I developed my following.  Being chosen as a Blog of Note helped but there was also plenty of work I did on my own to gain 2,000+ followers in the ten months this thing has been live.  Through trial and error methods I’ve discovered simple ways to drive traffic to my blog – without using any of that complicated search engine optimization crap you read about – and I’m ready to share it all with you!

If you’re a regular reader here, you’ll be glad to know I tried to write the e-book with the same attitude you get on my blog.  In the e-book I’m sort of a smart-ass and you’ll see occasional swearing… but you can deal with that.  Why can’t a book be both informative and entertaining??

And it’s not just about getting new people to visit your blog… it’s about getting them to FOLLOW your blog.  You’ll also get tips on post formatting, style and content that will help convince people to click that little “follow” button once they stop by your page.

Yes, I am charging for this e-book – but it’s only $1.99 for close to 10,000 words of pure gold.  Ok, not PURE gold.  More like a fair amount of gold mixed in with lots of silver and occasional shit.  But still, I spend TWICE that much every time I walk into Starbucks and I don’t get near the satisfaction that you’ll get with this e-book. 

So here it is…

Proven Ways To Add New Followers Every Single Day

And also available now at Smashwords for the Kindle, Nook, Sony Reader, Kobo and  just about every other format.  Or you can get it as a PDF that you can read on your computer or print it out old school!

As a special offer for the release of this book… I will give FREE copies via Smashwords to the first FIVE people to agree to review the book on their own blogs.  If you’re interested, just be one of the first five to email me at and I’ll send you back a coupon code to download it FREE.  Try to go easy on me in the review though, I have a fragile ego.

And you can get a free sample at both Amazon and Smashwords… so go give it a try!


Half Assed Weekly Recap

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 26-06-2011

This past week was a long one.  We had one of the busiest weeks of the year at my job, and now starting this week things should fall back into a normal routine.  I am salaried, and being in management I don’t get any kind of overtime compensation at all.  So I usually don’t like to think about just how much I am working in terms of hours…  it only serves to piss me off.

But this past week from Monday – Saturday I worked 63 hours.  And Friday was a half day!  But I have Monday off.  I think I just may get a little looped tonight.  Anyone want to meet me for about a dozen Blue Moons?

I’m going to use this post to briefly recap what happened around the blog this week – which isn’t much, considering how busy I was.


My post was titled Weiners And Drunks.  Yes, it covers both along with a couple visuals for you.  Drake Sigar has a funny “bloggers in video games” post right now – I’m included in it, and I die a tragic death.  Boo!  He is always good for a funny comment, and on this post he left this gem:

Please don’t put “weiner” and “asshole” in the same sentence, it tortures the portion of your readers who are currently imprisoned.


I highlighted my weekly Sprocket Ink article, in a post called Terrorists Are Attacking Toilets Now??  The post talks about bomb-proof toilets, and Mynx from the blog Dribble added this comment, that will maybe make more sense if you go read the Sprocket Ink article!

We have public toilets here that if you linger too long, they lock and self clean the cubicle. So you could get a shower too.



I announced how YOU could win a $50 Amazon gift card in my Friday post. You’re going to want to go read that one if you missed it.  Who doesn’t like FREE SHIT??  Jo-Anne Rambling left a comment asking how I know the number of comments I’ve received.  In Blogger, when you click the COMMENTS tab to read all your comments, you’ll see the total number on the top right of that list.

As an update… I am less than 150 comments away from hitting 5,000 now so pay attention and keep stopping back over the next week or two so that you have a shot at the money!


Also a special shout out to The Blog Muse.  She helped me out via twitter with some e-book formatting advice the other day.  Have you seen her site?  She’s pregnant, and apparently “about to pop” as some rude person recently pointed out to her.  So she posted all the dumb questions pregnant women get asked, along with some hilarious smart ass answers.  I’m a dude, whose never had kids – therefore never spent a lot of time around any knocked up chicks.  But I still thought these were damn funny.  Give her a read, you’ll like it!


FREE Amazon For A Lucky Simpleton

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 24-06-2011


Got your attention?  Here’s the deal.  I am going to do another blog giveaway.  This one will be easy and 100% absolutely, completely random.  You won’t have to make any guesses regarding my gambling habits and you won’t have to post about this on your blog.  Hell you won’t even have to acknowledge that this giveaway even exists and you could STILL be the big winner. 

Sometime in the next couple weeks I will get my 5,000th comment here on my blog.  It has truly amazed me that all of you stop and read this random shit every week and the fact that 5 people would comment is awesome.  But to get 5,000 comments in the span of about 10 1/2 months and a little over 200 posts really floors me.  I have the best commenters on the net – there is no doubt about that.

You guys rock my world. 

So here’s the deal.  I am going to give away a $50 Amazon gift card to the person who leaves comment number 5,000.  As I mentioned, going at the pace things have been going, it will happen in the next couple weeks.  I’ll let you know when it does and will probably give the winner some kick ass pimping in the process.  All you need to do is comment on each post and you could be the lucky winner!

What would you get for $50 at Amazon?

I’d get some books or maybe a few DVDs.  But you can get a lot more than DVDs at Amazon.  You can get some Big Ass Boots, or some Ugly Ass Buddha Figurines.  Hell, you can even get 10 sets of those stupid things for $50.

Actually forget the DVDs.  I’d probably go with a Leather Whip or maybe a Ball Gag.  But I’m weird like that.  Yes, you can buy all kinds of interesting sex toys on Amazon too.  Random Girl?

Stay tuned!


Terrorists Are Attacking Toilets Now??

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 22-06-2011

As I mentioned in my post the other day, this week is crazy busy for me.  So instead of a decent post here, I am putting up my weekly post over at Sprocket Ink.  It’s about toilets and bombs.  And it’s dedicated to Random Girl.  Ok, that sounded weird.  But she is the one who gave me the idea to write about it – so THANKS!  Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll pimp it for me – she’s an even better pimp than I am.

Go give my weekly Sprocket Ink post a read… my Lady Friend thought it was funny and I think you will too. 

And before I go I have a little pimping to do.  I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again.  If you have a blog I will PIMP your blog for you on your anniversary.  One year, two years, whatever.  BUT you have to be following me on Twitter and TWEET me when you have your anniversary.  Hopefully within a few days.

So this week we’ve got two great blogs for you to check out, both of whom have been following me for a long time so I’m glad to pimp them.

Canadian Blogger Girl aka CBG had an “Ask The Canadian” post up this week, and through that post I learned about all the colors of Canadian money.  They do everything wacky up there don’t they?

Shutterbug Mama is doing something cool to celebrate her Blog-O-Versary.  She’s doing a giveaway!  Go check it out to see what you could win!

That’s it for today…  leave a comment over on my Sprocket Ink post and let me know what you think!


Weiners And Drunks

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 20-06-2011

Hard to believe but the weekend is over – and I’m back to work already.  Last week was a long one, and this week will be even worse.  We’re extremely busy at work right now and I’m just hoping to get through the next 7 days, after that we get back into a normal routine – which is still kind of busy, but the type of busy I can handle.  Not like this shit with crazy stuff happening and plans changing every 4 hours.  Yeah, I know I’m whining but that’s ok, you’ll get over it. 

That being said I am going to be half-assing it this week.  I have a short post today, then probably wont have another until Wednesday or Thursday. 

For today I have a couple photos to share… first (and I swear this will be the last time I mention this guy) I have a photo from a news story I saw last week.

It just goes to show you how far things have gone with this Anthony Weiner asshole when he inspires Anti-Weiner protesting.  Damn!

The next photo takes a little explanation.  In Minnesota we have something we call Whiskey Plates which is a slang term for a special license plate people have to put on their cars after getting multiple DUIs.  I think it’s meant for police to be able to immediately spot them – therefore keep an eye on them.  But in truth it ends up being a way of embarrassing them… everyone knows you’re a drunk.

As I mentioned once before in a post, when one of these cars cuts me off or just plain pisses me off, instead of giving them the finger I give them the old thumb and pinky hand movement like you’re tippin’ back a mug-o-beer.  Ha!  Anyway, take a look at this photo:

You should be able to click it to make it bigger.  That’s what she said. 

I took a pic of this mini van while waiting for a stop light last week.  Not only does it have Whiskey Plates (they always start with a WH or a WD) but also Jagermeister stickers.  Ummm…  someone’s not learning a fucking lesson here are they?  Cops are already looking for reasons to pull over people with a Whiskey Plate, do you really need to throw fuel on that drunken fire?

What an asshole.


P.S. I briefly went over the 2,000 followers mark a couple times in the last week, before dropping back to 1,999.  But for now, as I write this, my 2,000th follower is Powdered Toast Man from Just The Cheese.  I just recently discovered his blog too and it’s worth checking out – give him a click!