Squeeze It Until You’re Red In The Face

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 31-05-2011

I hope all you Americans had a good long Memorial Day weekend.  And if you’re like me, even though it’s a short work week you’re still bitter about having to actually go back to work.  Some of those long holiday weekends seem to go faster than normal ones.  And now, here we are back in the regular day to day grind.  What a bunch of bullshit.

This dog’s owner is a real asshole.

A couple good things came out of my weekend though.  I went for a nice run and a long bike ride.  I ate a ton of excellent food right off the grill.  Burgers, brats, ribs.  If it once had a face, I ate the hell out of it.  Yeah, I know that sounds gross but that’s the straight dope – some people just choose to forget where their food comes from.

The Lady Friend and I spent some time at her aunt and uncles house who have a great place on a lake.  As much fun as the boating, grilling and beers were – the best part of our time spent at their place was a story they told us.  First of all you have to picture them…  he’s a little retired older dude who loves his life at their lake house – and who the hell wouldn’t?  She’s still working but probably near retirement herself.  They’re grandparents and have that combination of kindness and wackiness with a great sense of humor that makes their grand kids lucky.

So as the story goes, the woman was outside the kitchen window working in the yard when she hears her husband yelling for her.  She looks up and sees him in the window pointing at the side of his head, which is red and looks like he’s bleeding.

She rushes into the house to see the side of his head and ear completely covered in what looked a little like blood – but I think she quickly realized it was not blood at all.  Apparently he was making a burger and grabbed the bottle of ketchup out of the fridge.  It was one of those flip top squeeze bottles.  As he’s squeezing the thing he’s not getting anything to come out.  As we all know, ketchup can be finicky at times particularly for those of us who who remember the old glass bottles.  You could bang the shit out of those before getting anything.

Not quite as sexy as a “shake weight

Like any dude would do he starts squeezing it harder and shaking it up and down.  Little did he know it was a brand new bottle and still had that annoying safety seal under the cap.  After squeezing and squeezing he starts to wonder if there is any air coming out at all.  Now here is where most people would probably look into the little hole to see what was going on.  Not this guy.  He holds it up to his ear to try to hear the air.  While doing this he gives it one more squeeze.

After all the pressure and abuse that poor seal had taken from the shaking and squeezing, it was at it’s breaking point.  So it didn’t take much to break open during this one last squeeze – sending all that bright red condimental goodness into his ear.  And not just into his ear, but all over the side of his head.

She said she thought he had been shot in the head when he first was yelling for her.  He said the way it felt and sounded having that explode into his ear, he kinda thought he had been too!

They told a couple of other really funny stories too…  I’m just not sure I could tell them here since they’re very specific to them and I am sure they’ve told LOTS of people over the years and there would be a chance it could somehow get back to them – which would blow my whole anonymity thing…  shoot!


P.S. Whatever happened to the “Catsup” spelling?  You pretty much only see Ketchup these days.. which makes sense. I mean, what the hell is Catsup anyway??

Half Assed Memorial Day Weekend

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-05-2011

Hey kids, hope everyone is having a happy Memorial Day Weekend.  For those of you in other countries it’s one of our holidays we don’t really fully understand – but we get a Monday off so..  I’m all about it!  
Seriously, Memorial Day is meant as a day for us to reflect on all the military personnel that gave their lives defending our country – and that’s something I absolutely will do, and I hope you do too.  
And around here Memorial Day is also the kick off to summer.  We have BBQ’s, we spend time out of the lakes boating and drinking beer, we pretty much do whatever we can do be outside.  And in Minnesota our summers last about four weeks (that’s an exaggeration, but not by much) so once summer finally gets here we take full advantage of it.  
I am personally doing a little of all of the above.  Yesterday was a perfect day and the Lady Friend and I did some grilling.  Today we’re going to be out on the lake – no doubt with beer in hand.  Hopefully the weather will be good. 
So on to today’s Half Assed subject..  back to that stupid catalog of nonsense items we randomly get in the mail.  I’ve written lots about items found in these catalogs, and today’s is no less stupid then the rest.  
It’s the desktop cat bed:
To be honest the general concept of a cat bed on a desk is a little stupid to me, but not nearly as dumb as some of the other things I’ve written about.  I don’t have a cat but I know they like to be near you and this keeps them from getting fur all over the keyboard I suppose. 
But what really bugs me about this thing is the picture.  The freakin cat bed is dangling on the side of the desk like it’s a magic carpet or some shit.  How the hell is that cat and his bed not tumbling down onto the ground?  Is the cat some kind of yoga master?  Are these people living in the space shuttle?
The cat is staring at the woman sitting at the desk – no doubt trying to tell her “Quick, grab me you bitch I’m about to drop!!”
Anyway…  hope you have a good weekend and a nice day off tomorrow.  For those of you outside of the U.S. I’m sorry you have to work.  Well, not really.

I May Have Gotten Ahead Of Myself

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 26-05-2011

Ok, so it turns out I may have been a little anxious with my post yesterday.  I have always had that tendency – I get so excited about something that I brag about it and then it doesn’t happen.  I’ve interviewed for some cool jobs in my life.  Not a big deal for most people, except my big ass mouth went around telling people about how great the interviews went and how perfect I would be for the gig… you see where this is going right?  I didn’t get the job, then for the next few months whenever I’d bump into someone I had bragged to they would ask me how the new job was going.  Man I can be a real jackass sometimes.

So this sort of thing may have happened yesterday.  I got a little excited about a potential job opportunity that just became available today and I thought I had as good of a chance of landing the job as anyone else so I started the difficult process of saying goodbye to all my Simpletons, which you can see here

The job opening was the one being vacated by Oprah Winfrey.  If you’re some kind of moron and haven’t heard of her, she has had a big time talk show on national TV for the last 25 years and that show came to an end yesterday.  I wasn’t aware of anyone being announced as the NEW Oprah so I threw my virtual hat into the ring.

Anyone could interview a jagoff like this guy right?

Unfortunately I have been told they are looking for someone with actual TV experience.  So that tape I sent them interviewing my neighbor about his cat apparently didn’t cut it.  WTF?

Long story short….  there is a silver lining to this whole disappointment.  It looks like I am not going anywhere. 

At work this afternoon we have an all staff bowling outing (we do a lot of these kind of things, it’s basically an excuse to drink and NOT work) so maybe I’ll have some stories to tell about that.  I am not much of a bowler but I am a good bullshitter… so people at work think I am a good bowler.

We’ll see how that turns out.


Could This Blog Be Coming To An End?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 25-05-2011

There is a chance I may have to put this whole blog thing on hold, if not give it up altogether.  I’m not saying it’s a FOR SURE thing..  just that there is the possibility.  And although it may go without saying, I’ll say it anyway.  I’ve really enjoyed our time together.  This has been a lot of fun for me interacting with all of you, writing stupid shit, bitching about things that happen in my life and reading all your awesome comments.

If the stars align the way I am hoping, it won’t be long at all before I am signing off.  Maybe at some point down the road I’ll come back to all of you Simpletons here, but don’t worry.  Even if I don’t come back here you’ll still be able to get your fill of my crap… on a daily basis even.  

Why am I (possibly) leaving you?  How will you find me?  Where am I going???  All these questions will be answered by checking out my post over at Sprocket Ink today

Head on over, check out my article there and as usual please comment and let me know what you think!  How’s that for a teaser??

Happy Hump Day Simpletons…  if you do any humpin’ be sure to share all the dirty details with me.

Unless you’re a dude. 


Minneapolis Tornado Photos

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 24-05-2011

I know most of you come here for some light entertainment.  Maybe a little humor, a quick laugh to break up your day.  Or at the very least my smartass take on various subjects.

Speaking of which…  I’m always open to your suggestions.  If there is something you need advice on, or just want to hear me bitch about, feel free to email me.  simpledudemail (at) gmail.com.   Just do it!

And I promise I’ll get back to the wacky stupidity you’re used to seeing after today.  I mentioned in yesterday’s post that we had a tornado, or a few of them, rip through Minneapolis over the weekend.  My parents live about three miles from some of the hardest hit areas so on the way home from work Monday I stopped by to see them, taking that opportunity to see the tornado damage up close.  It’s been estimated that 600 buildings and homes have been severely damaged or destroyed doing more than $100 million in damage.

I know the folks in Missouri are dealing with even worse damage than this – not too mention a large loss of life.  After seeing what happened in Minneapolis and knowing only two people died here it makes my heart break even more for the people in Missouri where the fatalities are more than 100.  I can only imagine how much worse it must be down there…  because what I saw looked like a war zone.

In this part of Minneapolis the streets are (or were) lined with large, very old oak and elm trees.  Even though maybe half of these tress came down, many on cars and houses, I think they ironically are what kept the damage to homes from being worse.  In my non-meteorological opinion it seems all these very large old strong trees shielded the homes from taking the brunt of the tornado winds.

I snapped a few photos before my cell phone camera died – so I thought I’d share them with you.

You can see in this one the first four trees on the block all fell down towards the houses.

One of the amazing things is that block after block looks like this.  These are not isolated pictures… if I had turned in any direction I’d see the exact same thing for a few square miles.

Other than my phone battery dying, a couple things kept me from taking more photos.  Some of the worst streets were so narrow that you had to wind your way through trying to avoid driving over branches, pieces of homes or even power lines which were all over the place.

And the thing that really kept me from taking photos of the worst areas were all the people.  The blocks were full of folks working to clear trees from houses, cars, yards and in the street.  And those who weren’t working appeared to be in shock trying to figure out just what to do.  I felt bad taking photos of something that affected their lives in such a negative way so I had to be a little stealth-like. 

Anyway…  as I mentioned, this is nothing compared to the situation in Missouri and my thoughts are certainly with those folks.  But since this is where I live I figured I’d take opportunity to share some of our situation with you.  Thanks for reading. 

I’m a bit of a weather geek so this stuff always fascinates me..  I’ll be back to the smartass comments tomorrow!


Naked Twister This Is Not

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 23-05-2011

Nope, this not the kind of TWISTER with the colored sheet and spin wheel that you drag out when you’re really drunk and try to convince your friends to play naked.  Wait, you don’t do that?  Hmmm… Maybe thats why my friends stopped coming to my house.

This is about the other kind of twister.  We survived a wild weekend of storms here in the Twin Cities.  Both Saturday and Sunday afternoon there were tornadoes that bounced around our area.  The Lady Friend and I actually got pretty lucky in that we were out running around spending money we don’t have both days and just got back home before the shit storms hit.

We didn’t see much damage here in the ‘burbs but some parts of Minneapolis saw serious damage… trees down all over the place, roofs off houses, etc.  Yikes.  This is right in the middle of the city and very densely populated.  I grew up not too far from where this all happened and can say some of those areas are anything but affluent so I would imagine there are folks affected that don’t have insurance..  kind of a bummer.

This photo shows the kind of stuff going on around here, with houses just wiped out.  The have closed all the exits off the freeway into these neighborhoods to try to keep the lookie-loos out while they start the cleanup process which will probably take weeks.

On a lighter note, as I mentioned the Lady Friend and I were out running errands Sunday – specifically loading up at Costco.  I thought Costco might be offering some post Apocalypse deals, but no such luck.  Bastards.

On the way home we passed a furniture store which inspired a conversation about us needing to take a trip to Ikea in the near future.  Incidentally I refer to Ikea as Swedish Hell because I dread taking trips there.  Sure the deals are usually pretty good but the whole process just pisses me off, mostly because I always have to park like 1/2 mile from the damn store.

Anyway back to the Lady Friend.  She reminded me of the time we went to Ikea together when we first started dating.  She bought a large dresser and in the process of me carrying it up the stairs at her house I pulled something in my shoulder.  It was one of those nagging injuries that didn’t hurt that much at the time, but did for weeks after and to this day two years later I still feel it every so often. 

I told her that dresser completely ruined my baseball dreams of someday being a Major League Pitcher.  Her response was that it sure didn’t stop me from becoming a Major League Bitcher.

Yeah, really funny…  someone quick find her an open mic night.


No Rapture? Then I Better Pay My Bills

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 22-05-2011

Well we all survived the Rapture.  Or lack thereof.  Although as I am writing this on Saturday evening from the northern suburbs of Minneapolis, I think the world may be at least considering it’s end.  We’ve got tornado warnings going on around us.  I snapped this pic out the window of the ominous skies.  Despite how it looks we’re not getting any rain here – at least not yet.

I thought it was a Zombie Apocalypse that we had to watch out for… not demon storms.  Hmmm.

Saturday was a tough day for me.  Expecting the world to come to an end, the Lady Friend and I really lived it up Friday night.  We went out for a little while but did most of the damage sitting in our living room.  We started with wine but it wasn’t long before she’d moved on to Bacardi and I had moved on to Jameson.  When we’re looking to get messed up, I go straight for the Irish Whiskey. 

We didn’t have anything specific to celebrate or any special reason for it… but we were up until 4am drinking, watching TV and making each other laugh.  So why WERE we up drinking so late?  I have no idea.  I was asking myself that same question repeatedly throughout the day Saturday.  Eventually the Advil kicked in and I dragged my ass up to run a few errands.  While I was out I saw something I thought was pretty funny.  And you know me..  I had to take a picture of it!

It’s hard to see it, but it’s a pretty standard pick up truck.  Nothing unusual about that.  But in the back window he has a little air conditioner.  You know, like the ones you’d put in the window of your house.  How the hell he is able to power that thing I don’t know, but he wanted to make damn good and sure there was no way he’s going to get sweaty cruising around town.  And it wasn’t even that warm today. 

I am pretty sure he saw me take the photo but I don’t give a shit.  He’s the jackass with a window AC in his truck, not me.