The Simple DudeA Simple Dude in a Complex World

Friends are not easy to find. I would suggest she try making friends with former co-workers – not current ones as then there might be office gossip. I've also made friends on the street, at museums and at the movies – oh and on the train. It's amazing how well people respond to being offered something in exchange for nothing – like some of what your eating. Or just striking up a conversation about what's going on around you.

I know exactly what your lady friend is going through. I'm single (have a BF now, so at least we can do couples dates) but all my friends have been married for years and most of them have kids. The friends I used to see several times a week I now schedule lunches with…weeks in advance.

Does she have any hobbies that she could use to meet people? Book clubs, arts, music, whatever?

I think it's tougher to make friends as an adult…BUT…when you do make them, they're often closer friends because you are choosing them, versus being thrown in with people when you're young and in school.

nope, not an easy task at all. BTW, the mommy loop? Totally over-rated. I have kids and I'm still out of the mommy loop.. I have friends who have kids but they tend to be people I'd hang with anyway.

Hmm.. I think if you're not real church going types, you may want to steer clear of using church as a social outlet. Does she have any interests that are conducive to chatting and getting to know people? She could look for book clubs or local stitch n bitch groups.

I'm a terrible one to ask though, as I'm pretty much socially retarded.

I do find though, that there are always those acquaintances that say things like 'Oh give me a call some time, we'll go for a drink'.. if your lady friend is anything like me, she probably assumes they're just being nice. But you know what? They're usually sincere. Call them.

I would suggest she try to make new friends through something she enjoys doing. Join a gym, a museum, or some kind of group or even that she would like. Meeting people at those places or events will be easier because they have something in common already.

my daughter and her friend who were 6 did that over the sprinklers! omg…
as far as your wife, yes, i went thru it.. i think because i got tired of the b.s. that i put up w/some female friends… men don't seem to let whatever their friends say or do bother them.. I noticed that about my son or even (when my hubby was alive) my hubby would just shrug if i brought up how one of his friends would make an off the wall comment.. are men more forgiving?
oh btw, when i became a widow, some of my female friends disappeared.. could be, because i 'threw off their count at the dinner parties'..yep, i was literally the 'odd man out' or they felt i could be a threat?
is your wife upset by not having the same friends? if not, then its just a matter of making new friends, taking up new interests, a class?, volunteering?

These are great suggestions. She is into photography and has a creative side, having taken some painting / drawing classes. So maybe there is something with a group or class that would help.

Knowing I have the best commenters on the net, I knew you would all have some awesome suggestions. It's not too often that I post about something that isn't stupid so wasn't sure how you would all take this!

This actually happened with me & Mrs C. I looked it up at the time & I found out that sometimes, when a woman gets into a committed relationship they are prone to walling themselves from the outside world & focusing on the relationship & making it the all encompassing aspect of their lives.

Sounds kind of sexist, I know, but that what was happening in our case at least. We talked about it. I encouraged her to reconnect with her best friend & go out once in a while. Since then she's even made some new ones.

I'm 38, divorced and ALL of my friends are married and have kids. I'm a single dad now but only have my daughter 50% of the time. I tried the Church thing and even made a point to join the "Thirty-somethings" social group. I'm semi-religious so it wasn't completely for the wrong reasons, but I've never really gotten involved in the social group- *almost* everyone in it is a married couple and I've just not been feeling it as far as making MORE married friends.

I think the photography class idea sounds great, or any class for that matter. Even having online-only friends is better imo than having no friends, so joining a forum and starting to post and chat with like-minded people can be fun. I am an online gamer and have a group of friends there too, so I don't always feel like a friendless loser, only part of the time, which is an improvement. Not to say your Lady Friend feels like a loser, of course, but hey, those of us with fewer friends have to (proverbally) stick together!

Well ….I think the friends dwindling is a naturaul thing…I know me(I have children)…I have become more picky…and some people are just not worth it. I think it is the whole Just because we thought they were cool in High School does not mean they are particularly cool now) and by cool I mean someone you can tolerate for more than an hour….people change and it does seem to be harder and harder to meet/make friends…and also people seem to gravitate more towards drama…and that is a definate no go for me…

It happens to all of us.

In our 20's, when most are getting married or having kids, the dynamic of it all changes.

It's not that you do not like each other anymore, its life has changed and you may find yourself with less in common than before, and 20 plus years of friendship sometimes is no longer enough to move forward together.

I'm in my late 30's and have been thru this a few times. Thru the birth/death of children, parents, siblings, bad break ups etc. It all plays a part.

Until recently (last 3 years) I was the last single, childless friend. Constantly felt like the 3rd wheel, so I changed the things I did. Started doing things I enjoyed solely for myself. I volunteer, and love to watch live sports and music. As a result, I have a new group of friends that are all like minded in interests. Some are still married and have kids, however they have a different dynamic as the kids are older and are starting to have lives of their own.

Do something for yourself first, the rest will all fall into place.

I think this change women more so than men seem to go thru is very normal.

first of all I think the statue is option b. as for the lady friend, I experienced the same thing when my husband and I had kids. none of our friends had kids so they didnt want to do kid friendly things! they didnt understand (or didnt want to understand) that we couldnt just dump the kid off and take off for an all nighter because we had to pick said kid back up and then take care of it the next day. we had to adjust and make new friends with similar interests. it wasnt easy but it was worth it.

I think the pic is of A.

And I have no suggestions since I don't really have any friends either.

I'm 25 and its hard to keep close friends just because our lives change. My friends from high school are all married which children now (and I'm not) so I find it hard to relate to them and their idea of getting together is going to the park with their kids. Not much fun for us single ladies.

I would suggest to her to try to rekindle an old friendship with someone that she has a lot in common with (even if they have kids now…even mother's want time away too and may like the change), try to make some friends at her work, take a dance/yoga/aerobic class, etc.

I am going thru this right now. It's a huge issue with my better half and I, not a bad issue but just an issue. Men seem to keep together thru everything while women seem to disappear into the ether as soon as they are married or have children. And because we don't have kidlets, I don't have a lot in common with other females. Then compound that upon the fact I work by myself daily and I feel like I am starving for female communication. And because I live in a small town, there are not a lot of courses you can take.

I did sign up for belly dancing tho and met and made a bunch of friends there. Doing something really goofy like belly dancing where you have to let your guard down and just go with it, often helps to bond with others who are doing the same thing.

I totally relate to your lady friend's woes about this. I'm in my early forties and single. I don't have kdis either, so the number of "friends" I can hang out with shortens considerably. All of my friends are married or in a relationship. I have a handful of single girlfriends I do things with but that number is dwindling as well. As a result, I have found myself doing more and more things alone. Not that I don't mind being around me, but it does get lonely at times. My suggestions to your lady friend is joining volunteer groups, if she's into books like me, perhaps joining a book club, oh and if she like wine, wine tastings! I go to one once a month, they're fun and it's a chance to perhaps make new friends along the way. Hope this helps a little.

Sooo right there. Took me forever to reasses my friendships and what I wanted from them. Here are some suggestions that worked for me:

Try a class at the Gym or a Bootcamp. Go walk dogs, volunteer, hit a bar for happy hour alone. Take a cooking class, or a community college class. Try parks and rec. I've slowly made new friends – many that are in the same place I am in life. Makes keeping friend so much easier.

I don't get how guys do it.

Being in that boat myself, I suggest supporting her in involvement in whatever she loves to do – writing class, tennis lessons, flag football team, pottery, whatever she likes (not necessarily what you like). The best place to make permanent friends (work friends are NOT permanent I have learned the hard way) is to do what you love and meet people along the way.

There's mommy loop? No wonder I don't have any friends! Seriously, I think Vinny C. has it right, seems like for me I was so busy with the kids, I couldn't be spontaneous (which my childless friends were), and then they quit asking. In my humble opinion, take out a personal ad…uh I mean, I agree with Yvonne. Wish I'd though of it.

Sounds like the prior commenters have it under control, but I was going to say basically that same thing . . . find something in the community to get involved with (even a local charity like Ronald McDonald House or something . . . two birds with one stone).

Good luck!

I am a woman and personally I don't mind not having a lot of female friends. I find it a lot easier not to have all the female drama in my life and more free time to do what I want to do instead of compromising all the time.

HOWEVER, with that being said I think you guys could try meetup.com. It is a sight for just meeting with people and going out. Sometimes there are happy hours or work out groups. She could find a group of women who might have the same interests as her.

Hope this helps.

I typed out a really great comment…then blogger deleted it !?$%!*#!

Long story short – I've made a lot of friends in my running group – a social group with a common interest.

YES! It has happened! Is happening. The church thing? Not sure about that one, may I suggest she gets involved in something she actually really cares about? If she's sporty, she can join a league of some kind. If she's into pets, she can volunteer to walk dogs for the Humane Society. Roller Derby? Lot's of potential cool friends there…

Women tend to stick with women who are like them (you know, kids – no kids, relationship – single, etc.) If her old friends have married and gotten kids then she'll slowly be left out. Married friends also slowly abandon single friends. It's BS, yes, but it just is.

But suggest social activities, night classes, or causes and volunteer opportunities she enjoys and the friendships will slowly bloom.

Unless she's a bitch. But you don't sound like the kind of guy who would get hooked up with a bitch.

And the kid is pretending the fire hydrant is his own shlong. It's called fire hydrant envy. If you read Freud, you'll find it detailed in length.

ツ my cyber house rules dot com

I would go option B for the kid on the fire hydrant.

As for your lady friends, then maybe ask her friends to meet up or something ? or go to some sort of social event/activity to meet new people.

I'm not totally sure as I only know my friends from high school.

AWESOME POST. My wife is going through this, but so am I… I might be one of those rare dude you are talking about…

What has REALLY made it more difficult for us is that we moved to a new city hours away from where we had previously always lived… so yeah… making friends as adults SUCKS.

But so far the suggestions have been good… we are looking into running clubs and other active clubs, since that's what we dig.

Personally I find it harder to find couples to hang out with. Either it's her friend that we both like, but the dude is a douche, or it's my friend, that gets along with us, but the girl is meh, or vice versa or whatever…

If it were REALLY up to me, we'd both be hermits, living off the grid and making whoopie all the time.

But we would still have TV shows on DVD, because that is crucial.

I think you've gotten great comments so far. As I've gotten older, I lost all the old friends..especially since we keep moving.
But I have settled with not having many friends vs. the ones who are only friends for gossip or because they want something from you. I think getting involved in the social stuff (books, gym, volunteering) those are the way to go as we get older. Then we meet people with similar interests and have something to start the conversation with.

Also experienced this especially after getting divorced. And i hate posting links etc but I did find a site called meetup.com which allows you to search out groups in your area that has similar interests, anything from hiking, to photography to board games to dog parks etc. Yep all strangers to you but there's a greater chance of making a friend there too.

Interesting post. I thought the pic was hilarious. No advice here, but good look with finding a solution that works for her! I've already seen Tons of good ideas from the other commenters, so now, it's really up to the Lady Friend to decide what interests her the most and to go for it! Best of Luck!!

I haven't time to read through all the comments right now so I apologize if someone has already made these suggestions. I am so fortunate in that I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of people I can hang out with. Single friends, married friends, otherwise couple friends. It's pretty awesome. And it took me a few years to build up an amazing group of friends.

If your lady friend is a reader, I would highly suggest a book club. Mine has been together for 10 years and we are all friends. Go away on retreats, get together for movies etc. A great way to meet like minded females.

Also, there are "meet ups" and she could join the groups that are of interest to her via the website for your area.

Really all it woudl take is getting to know one or two people and then meeting some of their friends and the circle grows.

I wish her luck and have much compassion for where she's at and I salute you for asking for her.

I'm sure she'd love it that you did.

well, I'm only 23, and i have no friends. I mean, I have people who call me every so often from my hometown 1000 miles away, but i have no friends that I see regularly.

my problem is though is that I hate women. They are sneaky, conniving, skanky Hoes… myself included.

I'm a homebody, I've got my man and my dogs and my hobbies… screw friends, that's what the internet is for!

I think all of my wife's friends were "acquired" in her karate classes, and since becoming an instructor she meets new people all the time in her cardio/kickboxing classes. Might be an option if she's willing to get fit while she expands her horizons.

You CAN drink beer and Jamesons and imbibe in more mellow pursuits without becoming ill, but only if you leave the vino out of the menu. Just from my experiences, anyway. Wine mixes with beautiful women, good food, and nothing else.

I got over my high school friends before high school was even over, realizing i got along better with older crowds and men than women my own age. I'm not so sure what she could do, maybe she could just try to rekindle old friendships with a nice phone call.
http://www.catiesjourney.blogspot.com

I totally get where she's coming from — when I was about her age I was living in Omaha (away from my HS friends) and my girlfriends were having kids — which seriously puts us in different worlds.

The good (or perhaps bad) news is that it gets better when the rug rats get older… I'm 42 and my friends' kids are now about to drive and shit — so my friends have more time to hang out.

The other thing that happened to me is that I ended up with lots of lesbian friends — most of them didn't have kids, so we were on the same wavelength… so, maybe get involved in a GLBT community cause?

If all else fails, I'm in MN too.. and I'm kinda fun… me and the BFF (a single guy…weird, but true) hang out for coffee in the western metro on a regular basis and she'd be welcome to come chat with us… we're fun, kinda naughty and mostly funny… she can read our blog at http://leftyconcarne.wordpress.com — to see we aren't freaks (or, aren't way too freaky ).

I kinda feel like the odd-female out here. I have more people that I call "acquaintances" than "friends". And as a general rule, I get along way better with the men (in a non-sexual way, of course!) than I do the women. And I'm fine with that. I'm not into the 'party scene', so I don't hang out with my coworkers either.

I had this same issue and posted about it not long ago. It's difficult sometimes when your core group goes and gets hitched/has kids/etc and you are left out. Life takes people to different areas for jobs and relationships and this large group is suddenly gone. I found some new friends in the gym, blogging (I've met up with Katsidhe and we were meant to be friends!)…hell I even started hanging with some women I met through the kids I nanny for. I try to be friendly, make conversation, and never say no to getting together for drinks with people. Even if I don't like the person who invited me I may end up hitting it off and starting a friendship with one of the other women who come out. It's hard but not impossible but she's got to put forth effort. It's not easy but for me it's worth it.

men tend to have functional friends – people to go to a football game with, play poker with, etc. this type of friend is easier to keep, and also easier to refresh after a long absence by one of them.
women tend to have emotionally sharing friends – these are more difficult to cultivate and maintain. the suggestion of joining a hobby group such as a photography class is a good one.

wish i could help but like your lady friend i have no one i hang out twith except my mom. i have never in my entire life had a best friend and frankly not sure how to get one. i either hang with hubby, son or mom.

Yes, this happens quite a bit. As I age, I change and don't always want to do the same things we always did. Some friends don't like or accept it, even when they say they do.

I think one of four things reasons are:

1) In your 30s, your individual paths become more clear and unfortunately some old friends don't always fit on the new path. It's not personal, it's just life.

2) It's possible she does more things as a couple which at specific times leaves her out of the friend loop.

3) Always a possibility of haters.

4) While this last group aren't haters, they don't always want to be the single friend. They're sometimes judged harshly and for no good reason, so they bail.

As for finding new friends, I think she should use a passion she has to do that. So, if she likes running, go out and join a running group. Hopefully she'll gain friends that way and she already knows they have at least one thing in common.

FYI, more people approach you when you're alone. You often look alright and like you don't need anyone while with others. You might have to sit one or two runs out Simple Dude. Good Luck!

Alice from Alice Benton's Blog at http://www.alicebentonsblog.blogspot.com

ok…I didn't read all the comments so if this was mentioned earlier, please forgive the repeat. I suggest joining a running club. Just go online and look for road running clubs in your area or check out upcoming races, 5Ks, 10K, etc. It's an awesome way to build fitness and my running friends are the best friends I have. You would be amazed at how interesting runners are as they come from all different backgrounds (your type As and creatives) and runners are seriously the friendliest and most encouraging people as it's all about competition with your personal best so there isn't any weird competition vibes b/t runners even when they are racing. Most running clubs have training groups and it might be a cool thing for you and lady friend to do together…train for a 5k, race, check it off the bucket list and meet some new friends while you're at it.

I do understand her situation…My husband and I are early 30s/40s (We're 10 yrs apart) and we don't have kids. No plans to have kids. But most of my friends have little kids and it's def challenging. My job is incredibly social so I enjoy the alone time when I'm off…so it doesn't bother me so much. But if you don't get that at work, it can be totally frustrating when all your friends only want to talk about is kiddo stuff because that is their life…sans kiddos, you can only take so much. But if those friends really do want to stay connected to her, they will go out of their way to do so.

I vote C.

As for the issue, it could be the 30's and childless scenario. As a guy, I'm kind of friendless in my new state. I have my gf's friends, but none of my own. I'm the youngest at work by about 20ish years, so not many bar buddies to choose from.

Sometimes it's rough. What I'm doing is trying to get more socially involved, and to see if I can find some new people with similar interests to hang with.

Best of luck to the Lady!

Women should start following team sports, then they wouldn't have this problem. Definitely humping it.

Is she a member of a gym? Sounds silly, but I have made several really good friends in my Zumba class (google it if you don't know what it is).

I'm gonna go with (c) for the fire hydrant/kid thing. I have 4 brothers, I'm married and have a nearly 2-year old son. Every chance they get, they're holding something down there, trying to get someone to look at how clever they are. The baby tried it with a banana the other day and hit his head on the cabinet laughing.

http://mommyiscrunchy.blogspot.com

My significant other moved away from her close circle of friends when we got together. I made sure she knew she could see them when she wanted and she made some friends here through work. I think you should encourage her to follow her interests. There are some churches that have organizations that you do not necessarily need to join the church to join or attend. Like some of the others said volunteer. Hey I do not know if this is helpful or not I really hope it is.

Fire hydrant sculpture, I choose my own option. The sculptor should be shot.

I have been divorced, had a "special needs" child, have moved a lot, and now I find myself at age (muffled) with no female friends at all. I think women are untrusting by nature, especially as we age, because we have learned a lot of things the hard way. I think women tend to view each other as competition and can be very catty because of it. I've tried virtually all of the suggestions others have given for fear of losing my sanity through isolation, but nothing ever panned out. At my age, even male friends are hard to find because I'm single and not totally hideous which threatens the women in their lives, or the guy is single too and it always reaches that point of trying to be turned into something else. I have nothing useful to say except that if she tries a few things and still ends up with no friends, she'll probably want to blame herself. Don't let her. It's not her fault. There are millions of us, yet we can't seem to work it out.

humping it.

we ARE in our late 40's.

i hate to say it, but it has always been a struggle for my wife to find friends…

no suggestions…

I'm not going to be of much help here because I am in the same situation. I moved with my husband and son to a completly new town. He has family and friends here, but I don't know anyone.
I am finding the comments from your readers to be very helpful. I may even follow up on a few.
Thankyou for raising an issue that I thought to be not so prevalent. Now I know it is more common.

Keep in touch with old friends on the internet. Talk enough so that you still all know what's going on. My 2 best friends and I have a looong e-mail thread between the 3 of us that we respond to whenever, which is usually daily, because it's easy to drop a line over the internet! We always use reply to all. Both my friends are overseas right now, and have been sporadically so for the past few years. She may feel less pressure to find new friends, and when she does, she can take the friendship slowly because she feels secure that she still has her longtime friends =)

It does get harder to meet new friends once you get in your 30's and beyond, especially if you are yet to be married and/or don't have kids. When I was living overseas and had left all of my friends/family back home, the way I ended up making new friends was through martial arts. Surprisingly there were nearly as many women who trained in kung-fu as men. When you train 3-4 times per week with people you eventually form bonds and start spending time with them outside of training. Many years later I am still friends with all of my kung fu 'family'. Perhaps something like this would work for the lady friend.

I think that photography is a great thing to go on. Going out on photo shoots is a fantastic, non-awkward way to spend time with someone with a similar mindset…they can compare photos afterwards, hunt out new locations, etc. etc. etc. Even if you can find a photography community on the web, it may lead to a "Hey, let's get together and…" type situation. Let us know how it works out…sounds like a lot of people (myself included) are experiencing similar situations.

Oh, Christ…how could I forget the fire hydrant picture? Honestly, I don't care what it's supposed to be…it's freaking hilarious.

ugh! I'm having the same problem as your lady friend right now!

It's impossible to make new female friends and it seems the ones i've had forever are all growing away from me. In fact, it just seems they don't want to do anything at all anymore. So frustrating.

I wish there was a simple answer to this…

My choice of co-workers to friend is VERY limited. THere is only one other person in my office who was born in the same decade as me, everyone else is MUCH older….

sometimes I try and meet friends on Twitter…. but so far that hasn't been a huge success.

Good luck to you two.

I had an ex-girlfriend who had the same problem when we moved in together years ago. She didn't know anybody in the city. To meet new women friends, she joined activity groups. First and foremost, she was there out of her own self interest, and met new friends through the groups.

Particularly after school/college, people's lives move in all different directions and speeds, and sometimes you just don't relate the same way anymore. And as other responsibilities creep in (spouse, kids, etc…) means less time for friends and an ever shrinking available social pool. Doesn't mean you can't be friends still, but you naturally drift apart. You find new people who you can relate to and the cycle starts all over again.

Umm yeah I am 27 and totally having this experience particularly with HS gfs… college gfs all live across the country so stay in touch as best as possible, but definitely a growing apart thing, and I think having a BF is a big part of that – if her friends have BFs or husbands also, then naturally more time spent with him less with the girls. I'd say she should make efforts to see them though even if it's difficult because it's important to have an identity apart from your MAN. Crossfit is a good community for making friends. Or what about a book club or something along those lines? I dunno, it's hard for sure..

I think everyone has pretty already hit the nail on the head by way of advice.

And speaking of head, the kid is humping that fire hydrant.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH! I used to have a core group of friends, but now they all are married and have kids and all they talk about are babies! Babies, babies, and more babies! I just have a boyfriend and I'm not trying to get knocked up just so I can fit in with them.

I actually took up a class in my spare time and came across a shit load of new female friends. Tell your lady friend to just take a class that is female dominated and see what happens.

Tell Lady Friend that attending church could work but you could also be locked into a LOT of church related activities and still have no Girls Night Out friends. Oh and I don't care what that kid is doing on the fire hydrant, it's still just wrong. Who paid for that?

Maybe she can join a social networking sit like facebook and rekindle friendships with old pals who are in your side of town. Looks like lot of women are going through the same phase, so it may not be difficult as you think.

Try Church…I grew up in a churchy family going every week…then got married and didn't go very often, focused on the marriage and my relationship with my husband and lost a lot of my female friends in the process. Moved several times and now have kids, but in all of it we returned to church. I LOVE going to my church and seeing all of my friends there…they are the best friends in the world.
I think you need to find the right church and get involved in groups there or projects that you are interested in…GOOD LUCK & GOD BLESS!

Wow, does this sound familiar! Being single in your 30s is tough when all of your friends are either married, married with children, single with children, engaged, or in an "oh-so-serious" relationship that they can't be bothered.

The Married's forgot what's it's like to be single…or they want to rub your single status in your face (think the Bridget Jones dinner party…that's not far from the truth). The ones with kids ridicule you in roundabout ways for having more free time and less stress (how soon they forget the stress of being single).

Anyway, I think joining groups that share special interests of hers would be good; maybe going to local events that interest her; and, as silly as this sounds, blogging–I feel so fortunate to have made blogging friends, and even though I've never met them face to face, I consider them my friends.

But, even if it takes time (I can count on one hand the number of TRUE friends I have–ones I trust completely), she has you, and that, I would imagine, is a huge comfort to her.