Jonah Hill Owes Me Something

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 30-03-2011

I’ve got another post up over at Sprocket Ink today.  It’s about one of my favorite things to do at night, in bed, with the Lady Friend.  You guessed it, sleep.  Hey, I said ONE of my favorite things.  Go check it out!

I wrote a post last fall about shitty movies.  Specifically shitty movies that are supposed to be funny.  There seems to be a whole hell of a lot of them in the last couple years.  And now I have to add a new one to the list.  Cyrus.

I vaguely remembered this being in the theater but honestly didn’t remember anything about it, who was in it, what it was about, etc.  But when the Lady Friend said it was coming from Netflix and told me who it was in it I thought that’s cool – should be worth watching.  No.  Fuck no.  Do not waste your time on this.  The movie was not funny.  It was not dramatic.  It was just bad.  We watched the first 30 minutes or so, then fast forwarded to the end just to see what happened – although even that was a waste of time.

The movie has a couple moments that are slightly uncomfortable by intention, which could have been funny had they been written differently, but instead they just come across as uncomfortably bad.  I have actually written a few funny screenplays myself that will probably never make it to the big screen.  And this DOES get made?  Ugh.

After this waste of time, Get Him To The Greek and the very unfunny movie Funny People, I am seriously starting to question Jonah Hill’s common sense.  I know he is a funny guy.  We was good in Super Bad and Knocked Up.  He was even decent in that Night At The Museum sequel.  But man does he make some horrible choices.  Could it be just about the money?  I don’t know.  But someone needs to advise him on his script choices and get him back into a funny movie soon or people are going to turn on him.

As it stands, with the time I have wasted, I think he owes me something…  I’m just saying.

You’re going to want to check back here Friday.  I showed the Lady Friend the post I wrote asking about friendship and looking for advice on how she can make some new friends, and she was extremely grateful for the suggestions and she has a response for everyone that offered their help.

Yes, you heard me right, you’re actually going to hear from the Lady Friend.  She does indeed exist!!

Don’t forget to check out my article on Sprocket Ink – and be sure to leave me a comment, and while you’re at it visit the Simple Dude sponsor:  What Would Jared Do?


Bradley Cooper Ain’t Bad Looking

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-03-2011

Last weekend the Lady Friend and I were having a conversation about a certain male celebrity.  I made a comment about this guy being good looking and a good actor who is on the verge of breaking out and becoming a major Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp size force in the movie biz.  She thought this was a little amusing.

This whole conversation sprung up on the drive home from seeing the movie Limitless.  Yep, I was talking about Bradley Cooper.  I’m normally not one to go on about how good looking a guy is, although in certain occasions I can see it.  I can see why women think some guys are attractive.  It just makes sense.  It’s no different then how sometimes you CAN’T see why people find someone attractive.  Like Fergie from Black Eyed Peas.  I have said before many times… she has a man face.  Yeah, her body is ok – but her face looks like a dude.

So back to Mr. Cooper.  We’ve all seen The Hangover and know he’s good in the comedy genre.  Limitless is more of a fast paced action drama.  And he’s good in that too.  I can see him making the leap to super stardom.  That’s all I was saying to the Lady Friend but of course she had to have her fun with it.

It’s always easier for ladies to admit that other ladies are attractive.  For some reason us guys don’t get into that at all.  At least we won’t publicly say it. 

But we are not as moronic as we like you to believe.  We can tell a good looking ripped dude, from a fat sweaty mess of a dude.  I particularly know this difference because I am a good looking ripped dude and I hang out with fat sweaty dudes to make myself look even better.  Ha!  Just kidding… or am I?

Don’t forget to check out my latest article over at Sprocket Ink.  It’s about a medicinal marijuana smoking granny losing her stash..  er… meds! 


Dope Smokin’ Granny ?

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 28-03-2011

Once again I have a post up over at Sprocket Ink so I am hoping you all will go check it out… as I have mentioned before, it’s a big honor that they let me write over there and with the hopes that they don’t realize how much of a schmuck I am and kick me to the curb.  To prevent that from happening, I’d love for all of you to show me some love over there… check out my article, comment and give me some feedback.  Either there, here or maybe carrier pigeon or pony express or some shit.  Just give it a look see huh?  It’s about a pot smokin’ granny.  Seriously. 

Do you ever watch that cable show Heavy?  We DVR it and watch them every so often when there is nothing else on.  It’s not what I would call high quality TV.  It is exactly what you would think it is… a show about people that are morbidly obese who are put on a crash diet / exercise routine.  They regularly drop 100 pounds or more during their time on the show. 

There are no competitions like on The Biggest Loser.  It’s all about them beating the scale.  And in that process some real stuff happens – including some moments that are really friggin’ hilarious, whether intended that way or not.  I just watched an episode the other day with a woman who was hiding big jars of peanut butter in her closet.  Obviously eating hand fulls of PB late at night when you’re supposed to be on a diet ain’t helping the trainers cause.  And they were pissed, as you can imagine.  She was in complete denial about it – thinking it was no big deal.  Uhhh..  maybe that’s the real problem here?!

One of the funny parts of the show (completely unintentional) is this shrink lady who is there to help with the emotional issues these people are going through.  The things she says are not funny.  The way she says them is not funny.  It’s much more simple and juvenile then that.  It’s the way she looks.  She’s goofy looking.  And without trying to, makes goofy faces as she talks. 

The Lady Friend and I like to just randomly hit PAUSE on the DVR when she is on the screen just to see what kind of weird expression we can capture.  This is one I caught the other day:

Yes, I literally held up my phone and took a photo of the TV.  I’m not saying that seeing a psychiatrist isn’t a good thing for some people.  But is it really helping when the one you’re seeing is looking at you like this??

When DVR’s first came about I’d do the random pauses while watching the news just to catch goofy faces.  Anytime you have a talking head live on camera like that you’ll catch something amusing – give it a try.  I’m not saying it’s like watching a Oscar winning movie or anything, but it’ll give you a chuckle for a few minutes.

Hope you are all having a good Monday.  Here in frozen Minnesota we’re having a lovely day with temps in the low 30s.  Lovely if it were January.  Spring is fuckin’ awesome!!

Don’t forget to check out Sprocket Ink!


I’ve Got A Confession

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 26-03-2011

It’s another Half Assed Weekend folks, get used to it.  Last weekend I asked for input on some of these half assed weekend posts, or really any post where I am shit out of things to talk about.  Hey, it happens, deal with it. 

I got lots of responses on whether I should post old bad poetry I wrote, mostly from college, my take on some old music, probably mostly 60′s – 80′s stuff, or some Simple Dude style movie and / or TV reviews.  Broken down by percentage, your votes were as such:

Bad poetry:  19%
Old music:  55%
Reviews: 26%

There were some other suggestions, like The Onion from Lots of Layers saying I should write about my worst date.  That’s a tough one for me as I don’t have a lot of dating horror stories.  I had a bunch of first dates that didn’t lead to second dates for various reasons but not because something horrific happened.

Although I do have story about a guy I used to work with and a first date.  It involves poop.  I’ll save that for next weekend.  I swear it’s not about me, I’d be more than proud if it was.

Since I am one to please, I will probably do a little of all three of the voting options, but more of the music & TV/movie reviews.  For the music stuff, I’m just going to open my phone which currently has over 1,100 of my favorite songs on it and hit shuffle.  Whatever comes up, I’m going to share with you.  That’s a small percentage of the 20,000 or so songs I have on my computer but that would be way too random, even for a jackass like me.

There is a problem with this method.  There is going to be a LOT of guilty pleasure songs.  As much as I hate to admit it, there will be hair bands, some twangy country, a little Young MC style rap, maybe even disco.  This could get embarrassing, but who gives a shit right? 

The first one I am not ashamed of at all.  Do you watch The Office?  If so, you know who Creed is right?  The goofy older guy who always has odd random things to say.  Did you know the guy that plays Creed is named (ironically) Creed Bratton and he was a legitimate rock star?  He was in a band called The Grass Roots who had their hey day in the late 60′s.  This is one of their bigger hits, and one of my all time favorite songs, Midnight Confessions:

Creed is the taller guitar player on the left who doesn’t get a lot of face time in this video.  This song has a mix of rock, soul and that late 60′s psychadelic thing going on that I have always liked.  Not to mention the whole confession of love thing.  Creed was only in the band for a few years, they had sort of a revolving door of members throughout the 60′s and 70′s.  In fact more than 30 guys can claim to have been in The Grass Roots…  hmmm…  reminds me of one of my ex-girlfriends.

Anyway – hope you dig it.  Who knows where the next random shuffle will take us… maybe something really shitty like Warrant or KC & The Sunshine Band.  They’re both in the phone…  maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.


A Simple Dude Interrogation

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 25-03-2011

At my job we hire a fair amount of interns and part time employees that cycle throughout the year.  No, there are no Monica Lewinsky cigar / stained dress shenanigans.  Those days are behind me – I’m a settled down guy with a steady Lady Friend.  Besides – most of our interns seem to be dudes.
As with any business with part time employees there is natural turnover every six months or so, especially since most of them are college students.  And as these people move on in their careers they often use me as a reference.  Only the good interns have used me as a reference – the bad ones were at least smart enough to realize I’d probably say shitty things about them.  I have often wished some of the bad ones WOULD use me as a reference… it would be a lot of fun to tell a perspective employer how lousy the person was. 
While I was on vacation I got a voicemail from someone saying they wanted to come down and talk to me in person about a job reference for a girl who worked for us a few years back.  He was vague on the voicemail and since I was out of town I figured I’d call him when I got back.  I’m glad I waited.  He also called one of my full time employees and my boss looking for references from them on this girl.  Persistent son of a bitch. 
It turns out our former employee had named all three of us as references for this new job.  And beyond that, this guy calling us wasn’t just your typical human resources schmuck following up on employers to be sure the resume is accurate.  He was an FBI agent.  He didn’t mention that in my voicemail but did when he spoke directly to my employee while I was out of town.  And he said these kinds of references could not be done over the phone, he had to come down to meet with us in person.  

This whole thing seemed fishy to me so I asked our HR department to handle it – but FBI dude told them he had to speak directly with the people this girl reported to while working for us.  Apparently it was more of a background check then a job reference.  Now I became more curious about the whole thing so I said what the heck, lets meet with him.

He asked a lot of standard questions:  Would I consider her reliable, would I recommend her, was she prompt..  blah blah blah.  But then he goes into questions about her loyalty to her country, whether or not she’d have a reason to hold a grudge against the U.S. Government, etc.  I couldn’t really honestly answer these things – her and I never had a chance to discuss her conspiracy theories.  

As we were wrapping up the meeting his cell phone rings.  Guess what the freakin’ ring tone was?  The X Files theme song.  I’m not shitting you.  At this point I started laughing and asked him what was up with that.  He was a little embarassed, since to that point he had been very stiff and professional.  So much for that.  He said it’s normally on vibrate. 

He wouldn’t tell me what kind of job she was applying for, but I’ll bet it wasn’t with the Post Office.  So within a weeks time I had a Navy SEAL gun boat threaten me while on a damn whale watching cruise and an FBI agent with a Fox Mulder complex interview me.  



You All Make This Blog Worthwhile

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 23-03-2011

I need to thank all of you Simpletons BIG TIME for your help on my post yesterday about my Lady Friend’s dwindling list of friends, and just how one goes about making NEW friends once you get into your 30′s.  I was truly blown away by all the great responses – more than 50 already!  I thought I would get a few good answers and a lot of funny stuff (which is always welcome by the way) but you guys have come through in a huge way.

Suggestions such as a kickboxing class, running groups or other similar ideas are great ideas as we both are into staying fit.  Also something to do with her photography passion would be good.  I know she’d be into a book group but doesn’t have a lot of spare time to read these days between a busy job and taking some masters level classes at night.  Unfortunately those are  IT classes so most of the people she meets through school are nerds – no real friend possibilities there.

I didn’t even tell her I wrote that post – she rarely browses her way onto my blog without me asking her to read something.  If she doesn’t stumble onto it in the next few days I am planning on telling her this weekend and letting her read all your awesome suggestions.  Hopefully she won’t be pissed at me for putting it out there!

I figured there must be other people dealing with something similar, but was amazed at how many of you have mentioned this has happened to you or your significant other at some point.   Inside The Philosophy Factory invited my Lady Friend to join them for coffee with her BFF who are also here in the Twin Cities.  You never know, she just might take you up on that!

And A Little Sprite actually thanked me for the post as she has found herself in a similar situation and said she was going to try out some of the suggestions.  I’d love to hear if any of them work – and I’ll be sure to update everyone on my Lady Friend’s situation and let you know how much your suggestions helped – I’m already sure some of them are exactly what she needs.

Feel free to go back and leave any other suggestions you have may – they are all very welcome and the Lady Friend and I will take them all to heart!

In the meantime, I’m back over at Sprocket Ink today!  This post is about GUNS baby!  Well, sort of.  Give it a look will ya?

Have a great day kids.. thanks again.  Oh, and as a teaser..  my post on Friday will be about a meeting I had with an FBI agent last week.  

My Turn To Ask For Advice

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 22-03-2011

Ok..  got kind a sort of serious question for all my Simpletons – yep I need YOUR advice.  Especially the female Simpletons out there. The Lady Friend is experiencing something that I think happens more often to women then to men.  Her friends are dwindling.  She had a core group of friends from high school, college or early in her adulthood, but they have sort of grown apart.  Which leaves her without a lot of female friends for ladies night out activities.

Personally I don’t have this problem at all.  Between coworkers that I hang out with or friends from previous jobs, college and even high school, I always have guys I can call if I want to get out and live it up.  The Lady Friend comes along sometimes but even when she doesn’t she’s cool with me going out with the dudes.  But I know she’d like to have more dudettes to hang with on her own too.  She gets along with the lady friends of my guy friends, but I don’t think she has any potential best friends in that group. 

Keep in mind we’re in our 30′s and don’t have kids, so she’s out the mommy loop.  She actually brought up going to a church and getting involved.  To be honest churches are not really my thing, nor hers, and I think she (or we) would be doing it for the wrong reasons.  But we were both brought up going to church, so if it works for her to meet some friends in her age group I’d be open to trying it.  I feel bad that she is missing out on that part of life.

I know this happens to women more often then men for some reason – I’ve heard some of my guy friends saying the same thing about their wives / lady friends.  So…  any suggestions?  It’s not easy making new friends for her at this age.  Has this happened to any of you, particularly as you get into your 30′s and outgrow old friends?  What have you done about it?  Can I drink wine, Jameson, beer and smoke some funny business all in the same night without getting sick?  These are all questions I need answers to people.

And because I can’t resist posting something stupid, here is a photo I took of a sculpture not far from my house.

 I think it’s either supposed to be:

A)  A kid trying to open a fire hyrant.
B)  A kid trying to hump a fire hydrant.
C)  A kid trying to pretend the fire hydrant is his pecker.  At least that’s what I would do.