I’d Rather Be Hungover

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 31-01-2011

First off – to all of you that commented about how I didn’t sound very drunk in my drunken post over the weekend?  It’s taken about 20 years of drinking to be this coherent and drunk all at that same time.  Practice makes perfect right?

I write all my posts in advance… sometimes just a day or two, sometimes a week, depending on when an idea hits me.  Right now as I write this on Sunday afternoon I am sick.  I think it’s just a standard cold, but its enough to make me miserable.  I felt this starting to come on Saturday morning, although at the time I thought it was a hangover.  But it didn’t go away.  By the time I went to bed Saturday night I knew it was something more.  

Today I have barely left the couch all day.  It’s been a nice, lazy day.  Well, it would be nice if not for the whole sickness thing.  All I have done is research airfare and hotels for a trip to Vegas the Lady Friend and I will be taking in May.  No, we are not eloping – I even told a friend of mine I will give him my house if we come back married.  Unfortunately with my laziness today – and being in a cold medicine fog – I had a tough time coming up with a post idea.

So I’m going to take a day off.  I’ll leave you with this thought – we ran out of kleenex today so I have gone through nearly a full roll of TP without ever wiping my ass.  My nose is raw.  

The top comment over the weekend was another one of those “why didn’t I think of that” moments.  Lauren at Inarticulate Sparkle asked: 
“You think the candelabra (candle bra?) would work on boxed wine too?”

If I had one, I’d sure as hell try.

SD


Half Assed Weekend – Jan 29

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-01-2011

Time for a Half Assed Weekend post.  As you know by now, weekend posts get about half the views, half the comments and half the attention.  So I say… why not put in half the effort?  Who’s in this week?

The last couple weekends I put out posts highlighting the 6-Pack Drink Holster and a Toilet Mug.  Both were part of a catalog I got in the mail that apparently was full of stupid crap that only suckers would buy.  Paging through this brilliant thing I found one more idiotic piece of shit that was blog worthy.  So, without further ado let me introduce you to the Wine Bottle Candelabra. 

So where do I start with this.  Lets say you’re sitting at home with your significant other.  Or some chick you picked up in the bar. You decide you want to get your buzz on…  so you open up a bottle of Mad Dog or maybe you go all high-class and have a bottle of Boone’s Farm.  You polish that sucker off like the cheap ass mutha fucka you are.

And then you think to yourself… damn, it sure is dark in here.  How can I fix the darkness issue in this place, and make use of this empty bottle too?  Voila.  The Wine Bottle Candelabra.  Stuff that candelabra thing down in your empty bottle, light the candles and you are good to go.  Instant romance. 

What I wonder is it would work in a bottle of Jack?  Or maybe some Captain Morgan?  Or my booze of choice, Jameson??  Now that would be good – and it would give your candles a nice Irish touch.

Can you imagine Ebenezer Scrooge in his PJs, pissing and moaning about some ghost, carrying this thing around his old house late at night?  Well, at least that makes SOME sense.  But suburban John Doe and his wife Jill?  No.  People who take their wine drinking seriously are not going to use this…  am I right?

Whatever.

Incidentally, this is my first attempt at a drunken post.  Yep – got me a nice buzz going right now – and no, the empty bottle will not be turned into a source of light.  I’m writing this at about midnight on Friday, with plans to schedule it to post Saturday afternoon.  So… drunken posting a good or bad idea?

Since I’ve been hitting the Jameson, I am not going to highlight any comments this time.  I did read them all though, as I always do… and once again you have all proven to be the best commenters on the net.  Keep ‘em coming.

Don’t forget to vote for me over at Studio30 Plus!  Just a couple days left!!  And once you’re there, friend me!  I’ll buy you a cheeseburger or some shit. 

SD


Hide The Banana

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 28-01-2011

This is sort of a Half Assed Weekend post, on a Friday.  It’s not an official Half Assed Weekend post – mainly because I still plan to do a REAL Half Assed Weekend post tomorrow…  or maybe Sunday.  Who knows, I’m Half-Assing this as I go. 
The Lady Friend and I give each other a lot of shit.  It’s all in fun, and we make each other laugh.  The other day we were both at work, emailing back and forth.  I was telling her that I had gotten into work that day expecting to find a banana in my desk.  No, that’s nothing dirty.  I mean an actual fucking banana.  They are great mid-afternoon snacks… and a lot healthier then a bag of chips.  I’m not saying I don’t eat a bag of chips now and then, just saying a banana would be a healthier choice! 
So back to the story…  I brought a banana in the day before to eat, but forgot about it sitting in my desk drawer.  I remembered while I was driving home and figured it’ll be there for me tomorrow.  So the next day I’m sitting at my desk thinking “Hmmm… a banana would be good right now.”  Yes, I still mean an actual banana.  So I open my desk drawer and it’s gone. 
This kind of pissed me off, since we have had a couple instances in the last few months suspecting that someone is going into our offices and turning on our computers.  We know the security guards in our building will sometimes stop and watch the TV in the common area outside my office late at night – we have seen them when stopping back after loooooonnnggg happy hours.  That doesn’t bother me, but if someone is actually sitting at our computers and turning them on… now that does. No, it’s not our IT dept, I have talked to them about it.  But that’s not part of THIS story. 
After stewing a little bit about my missing banana, I go back to work.  A few minutes later I grab my bag / briefcase thingy to get some paperwork out of it and see the damn thing sitting in there.  Turns out I never even took it out of my bag the previous day.  So while I thought I left it at work, I actually took it home, it sat in the bag overnight and I brought it back to work.  I ate it with a smile.

So back to my email to the Lady Friend.  I explained the whole goofy scenario to her, including my suspicions that someone stole it out of my desk overnight.  Below you’ll see her response… but I should first tell you that “Abe” is the name of a monkey.  Well, a stuffed monkey actually.  Specifically a stuffed monkey with a Christmas theme… you see, he wears fake antlers on his head.  I don’t know where the hell the Lady Friend got him… or it…  but it’s something she’s put under the Christmas tree for the couple Christmases that we’ve been dating. 
So this is what she emailed me:

I blame Abe. I’ve heard he’s been sneaking out late at night, taking the bus downtown and somehow getting into your office (my guess is through the ventilation system—he’s been watching a lot of Mission Impossible lately). He must have taken your banana out of your desk (probably thinking he’ll eat it on the bus on the way back but some creepy guy kept checking it out and so he thought better of it). He got home, heard us rustling in our sleep, was afraid to get busted eating the banana so he hid it in your bag.

 If there ever comes a time in my life where I wonder why we’re dating..  I just have to read this.  I think she needs her own blog!

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Once again I wanted to remind all of you to check out Studio30 Plus.  If you are at least 30 years old, visit this site – you’ll dig it.  

There are only a couple days left to vote for their Boomerang Awards and I have been nominated in a couple categories and would totally appreciate th votes!  You’ll get my undying gratitude and may even consider naming my first born child after you.  
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The other day I posted about opening doors for people behind you..  Jarheadxbox cracked me up with the following comment:

If I’m at the door and there’s someone behind me, I try to slam it closed as fast as I can, no matter what side of it I end up on, so that no one else can profit from my hard work.

Awesome…  also, to Jarheadxbox: my brother was in the marines for seven years, as was my best friend for four years.  Semper Fi!

SD


Open Door Policy

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-01-2011

Something has been on my mind for a couple months now.  You know when youre walking in or out of a building, or maybe a popular restaurant with a regular stream of people going in and out…  common courtesy is to hold the door for the person behind you.  Right? 

But sometimes youre walking along a bit distracted, and not exactly sure if there is someone right behind you.  You’re not going to turn around and look before getting to the door, that would just look stupid.  So you have to guess.  Let’s say you guess there is not someone right behind you so you just walk through as if you were the only person in the world, letting it close behind you.  Whats the worst thing that can happen?  If there IS a person right behind you they just have to open the door themselves – just as they would if THEY were the only person in the world. 

Then there is a completely different scenario.  Again – youre distracted.  You have heard footsteps though youre not sure how far back they are.  But being a nice person, you care about your fellow humans.  You decide to hold it for this individual.  As you stop and wait for them to grab the open door you are holding, you realize the person isnt right behind you.  They are like 20 feet or more behind you.  Obviously you’re not going to be a dick and just turn and keep walking so you are forced to stand there and wait.  This creates that uncomfortable moment as they see you waiting for them.  They say something like oh! as they dont want to be rude and keep you waiting..  so they pick up their pace, sometimes skipping a bit to get to you quicker. 

I have been on both sides of that scenario and it sucks either way.  It may be better just to always assume there is no one behind you.

If you are the one coming along behind the door holder and youre right there to grab it from them do you feel obligated to give them a quick “thanks”?  I say the thanking part isnt really that necessary I mean, sure its a courtesy thing.  Most people who are door holders will do it without wanting that instant gratification of a simple THANKS.  So if someone doesnt thank you – its not the end of the world.  Especially if you walk through a series of doors, always holding it for the person behind you.  Are you really expected to say thanks every time?  That’s bullshit. 

HOWEVER… if you are 20 feet back from them, and they miscalculate and choose to wait – forcing you to take those couple quick steps to catch up while they stand there holding it you sure as hell better thank them. 


Even though they are the ones who mistakenly thought you were right behind them, and chose to stand there waiting – you are still keeping them a couple seconds.  And you never know what those couple seconds could mean.  They could miss an elevator on their way to work, or miss a reservation at their favorite eating establishment.  They could have some slow ass person get ahead of them in line at Starbucks.  They might even miss out on buying a winning lottery ticket.  So for the love of God, thank them. 

Yeah, yeah, I know those couple seconds could save them from getting hit by a bus too but that doesnt really fit my argument now does it??  

This is just a small sample of the kind of things that go through a Simple Dude’s mind when he has time to think.  Scary huh?  

For my comment of the day, I’m actually going back to my Half Assed Weekend post from Saturday since this comment was just left on Tuesday, and it made me SOL.  That’s Snicker Out Loud.  What did you think it meant??  Remember, that post featured the 6-Pack Drink Holster.  Dr. Cynicism from Cynicism 101 gave us this:

“I’ll take 4 please! I wonder if they can make one that holds 6 broken dreams”

For the sake of those who would use it, we can only hope.


SD




Going Down Under

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 25-01-2011

Last Friday I got out of work early so was home mid afternoon.  I’ve commented many times in the past about how lousy daytime TV is and I’m sure you’d all agree.  So in flipping around I stopped on Oprah.  I have watched Oprah a handful of times over the last six months or so, if I’m home sick or whatever.  Don’t judge me – up against all the other shit on at that time, her show isn’t that bad.  Would I watch it at 9:00pm?  Hell no.  At 4:00pm?  Yeah, maybe. 

So last Friday she was showing highlights from some shows she did in the last year Down Under.  You know, in Australia.  This is pretty ironic.  I have never been Down Under myself.  I’ve been back there, over yonder, upstairs, this way, that way, right here and left out.  But never Down Under.  At least until now!

Technically, no…  I am physically still here in Minnesota.  The icebox of the U.S.  But virtually?  I’m Down Under RIGHT NOW where it’s the middle of summer.  I’m specifically at Dribble, the blog run by my favorite Aussie, Mynx.  I took over her joint today with a guest post.  The subject I chose to write about is one of my least favorite things to do in this whole freakin’ messed up world.  No, it had nothing to do with leg shaving or face shaving.

Go check it out – and while you’re there browse around and check out her other posts.  Mynx won’t mind, she’s cool like that.  She is in the process of a move right now so she’s been hosting some guest posts and re-posting some of her own older stuff too.

I’ll be back in the next day or two with some non-stop nonsense and flippin-hilarity.  Well, at least I’ll laugh – and amusing myself has always been my number one priority in life!  Until then, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite bad jokes:

Two astronauts were sitting around talking and one says “Did you hear they opened a new nightclub on the moon?”  

The other one replies, “No, I didn’t.  How is it?”

“It’s ok.  The drinks are real cheap.  But it has no atmosphere.”  

Yeah, I know it’s bad..  but give me a break, this shits free.

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My post about the messed up advice my 20 year old self would give to me 16 year old self brought lots of great comments… led by these:

Falen aka Thundercat832 at Colorful Rants of a Fed Up Sista always leaves great comments, like this one:

“I would defiantly tell my younger self to punch the hell out of Danny Zeo…some jerk in high school that pulled down my pants in front of the whole school! I better not catch that jackass on the street!”

And Bushman at A Simple Life said something that makes me wish I had though of it:

“20 yr old Bushman walks over to 16 yr old Bushman and says see that guy standing over there watching. That’s us at 37. Let’s go see if he’ll buy us some beer. Some things just wouldn’t ever change!”

 
Happy Australia Day!  
SD


New Advice Negates Old Advice

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 24-01-2011

Ever notice how certain themes go around the Blog-o-verse?  Someone comes up with an interesting topic, and then you see a bunch of bloggers giving their take on it?  Recently people were writing a lot about their New Years plans and resolutions.  My take was about New Years Suggestions because I didn’t really want to be held to them. 

One popular theme bouncing around lately is the “What Would You Tell Your Younger Self” post.  Many people have written about advice they’d give to the 15, 16 or 17 year old versions of themselves. It’s interesting, but not something I would have written about.

Then I saw a blogger who was only about 19 or 20 years old, giving advice to his 16 year old self.  This seemed ridiculous to me.  What advice is he going to give?  Pimple fighting tips?  I doubt he’d tell himself to study harder or not to be afraid to ask that cute girl on a date.  Those are things you really haven’t grasped yet at 19.  And what he DOES tell his 16 year old self he’d probably want to revise in another 4 years anyway. 

This brought me to a conclusion.  These things are relative to who you are right now, at the age you are right now.  I hear people stressing about turning 30 and at this point in my life that seems like such a trivial concern.  Of course it won’t be too long before I’ll be looking at turning 40 and bitching..  and I’m sure people who are 50 will be telling me to shut my damn mouth.  

So maybe a better discussion is:  What would my current self have to say about the lousy advice my 20 year old self would give to my 16 year old self.  Confused?  Really??  Then pay attention!

If Doc Brown and Marty McFly had let me hop in their DeLorean to take a spin back in time, one of the things my 20 year old self would have said is:

“Dude, you’re only a few months away from losing your virginity.  Way to go bud!”

And to that current day Simple Dude would add:

“Yes, it’s going to happen soon.  Until then, maybe chill out on the ‘alone time‘ in the bathroom huh?  Everyone does it, but you don’t have to do it quite so often.”

20 year old me would offer this:

“There is a girl you’re going to start dating your senior year.  You’ll date her for more than two years before she breaks your heart.  Try to be a better boyfriend – maybe she will stick around.”

Current Simple Dude says:

“Hell no.  20 year old me needs to get his prescription checked.  Let that chick go.  You’re going to have a lot of fun dating in your 20′s, so don’t be a damn fool and marry a high school girlfriend!”

The 20 year old me would touch on school a bit:

“I know school sucks, and you worry about getting busted for skipping class once in awhile.  Don’t worry, you’ve got it all figured out – those shit heads will never catch ya.  High School is a breeze.”

And 2011 me would have to add:

“He’s right about that.  But once you GET to College?  Try paying more attention.  It’s ok to booze a bit, or hit the wacky tobacky now and then but it wouldn’t hurt to learn something… and shit, maybe put some thought into a career path instead of just winging it.  You could save us all a hell of a lot of indecision over the next decade – not to mention making payday a little happier.

Oh, and I know this thing called the internet hasn’t surfaced yet, but if someone asks you about investing in an online casino or something called a website that happens to be named after a South American river and sells books and CDs – at least hear them out.” 

Who knows..  in five years this advice may change too.  The whole concept of giving advice to your younger self is flawed for this reason.  Not to mention any mistakes you think you’d avoid by steering yourself a certain way would just bring on more mistakes.

It’s an annoyingly overused phrase, but in looking back at decisions you’ve made…  “it is what it is” hits the nail on the head.

Over the weekend my post about the 6 pack drink holster brewed up some great comments, with Oilfield Trash coming out on top with this:

“Holy hell, the trailer parks now have a clothing catalog.”

And an honorable mention to Karen at A Blog Day Afternoon for pointing out that the donkey (ass) in my Half-Assed Weekend button is actually a complete ass… you know, in the photo.  At least I think she was talking about the donkey.  Maybe she was calling me a complete ass?  Hmmm…

What do you have for me today?

SD


Half Assed Weekend – Jan. 22nd

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 22-01-2011

It’s time for another Half Assed Weekend post. To understand the purpose behind the Half Assed Weekend, check out last weekend’s post.
Checking out last weekend’s post not only helps you understand why I Half Ass my blog posts on weekends, but it also reminds you about those wonderful Toilet Mugs and the moronic catalog I got in the mail.  Because a couple days after taking photos of the shit mug, I paged through the rest of the catalog… and guess what?  More Blog Fodder!!!  And it’s perfect for a Half Assed Weekend post.
Let me introduce all my Simpletons to the 6-Pack Drink Holster.  Get a load of this:
So let me get this straight… you want to keep all the beers near you – so close that you don’t need to bend over, or even reach out to grab the next one.  But I don’t think you’d even be able to sit down wearing this.  I guess you could, but I suspect it would be pretty uncomfortable.  So that means you can’t claim laziness since you are standing up the whole time.   And yet you get to avoid the hassle of walking into the kitchen to get your next beer. 

Although if you’re the type of dude wearing this you probably keep your fridge out on the front lawn.

Here is a close up of the photo on the bottom left:
As you can see, these come in black, pink or that ever popular hilljack color: CAMO.  Now this picture makes me think the holster may not be so bad after all.  She looks like a happy, well put together chick.  She’s got a nice smile and enough beer to last at least a few hours.

But that brings me to another point – how the hell are the beers going to stay cold?  Two different things are going to happen if you load up your 6-Pack Drink Holster with beer.   First off it’s going to get pretty cold against your skin right?  How would you like to have six ice cold cans pressed up against your waist?  And the result of that of course would mean your body heat would warm them up.   I like to drink beer, and can drink them pretty quickly.  But not quick enough to keep six beers from getting warm.
Ok, so this is more of a gag gift than something practical… I get it.  But even as a gag gift would you buy this?  Oh and by the way… I found one more stupid ass thing in that catalog – you’ll get to see it next weekend!

Friday’s post about the TV show My Strange Addiction featured some great comments regarding the woman who eats toilet paper – it was hard to pick my favorites.  But this stood out:

CBC at The Clover Bottle Cap wrote:  

“Not that I would want to see it, but think of the paper mache art that chick craps out!”

Are you following me on Twitter?  How about Facebook?  No?  You son of a… 

SD