New Blog Design For 2011

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 31-12-2010

I’ve been blogging just over four months now, so not a full year’s worth of crap, nonsense, rants and raves.  Not even half a year.  But even so I decided this morning that I couldn’t allow my last post of 2010 to be about Pajama Jeans.  Even if that means a quick post – which is what you are getting now.  
I’m sure you have noticed the new look of Simple Dude in a Complex World.  I like it a lot – it’s the work of one of my favorite bloggers Rabbit at The Journey.  I really envy his creativity.  He is equally adept at both the written word and visual arts and he shares all of it with us via his blog.  Please do yourself a favor and follow him if you don’t already – and be sure to practice Blogging Without Givahootery
I have a quick New Years Eve story from when I was in my early 20′s.  A good friend of mine married his high school sweetheart when they were both about 21 or so.  I feel getting married at that age is a mistake.  Even if things work out, you’ll still inevitably have questions about what your missing in life.  And as with many couples who get married that early my friend and his wife had their share of problems.  We could all tell the marriage was heading for divorce, and I think they knew it too.  
But on New Years Eve they were still together, and along with a big group of friends we got a bunch of hotel rooms to celebrate.  We had a keg in one of the rooms and I just hopped around the hotel from room to room throughout the night – most of the time flirting with a couple groups of girls in rooms across the hall from us.  Then around 11:00pm I got wind that the “happy couple” were in another one of their fights.  I didn’t really care that much – I had beer, I was trying to find a lovely lady to kiss at midnight and what was happening with the nightmare newlyweds was far from my mind.  

Then one of my friends told me they were taking the keg and a group of friends were going back to the house I lived in with a couple roommates – they were basically just trying to get my married buddy away from his soon to be ex wife and her friends.  I reluctantly agreed – mostly because the beer was leaving.  When we got back to our place the phone rang every 30 minutes from 11:30pm – 3:30am as my buddies wife shouted drunken bullshit into our answering machine.  As the night progressed the messages became more and more crazy and it was all we could do to keep my buddy at our place when his wife said she was going to throw all his stuff out onto the front lawn.  

Keep in mind New Years in Minnesota means lots of snow and about 10 degree weather.  The thought of his computer being tossed into a snowbank had him really pissed off.  We knew going home would have been a bad thing with both of them being drunk and very pissed so we kept him there – especially since she had actually cut him once before in a drunken fight… seriously.

A week later the divorce papers were filed and I never did get to kiss anyone at midnight.  I’ll have to make up for that tonight with the Lady Friend.

I hope all my Simpletons have a Happy & Safe New Years Eve.  I’ll have a re-post over the weekend, and I think anyone who blogs will be able to relate to it.  

SD


Random Thursday Thoughts 12-30

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 30-12-2010

I don’t know if it’s a good thing these Random Thoughts keep popping into my head, but once they do I have no choice but to get them out.  And what better place to do that than here right?  If I didn’t have a blog to use as an outlet you’d probably see me stumbling down the street talking to myself about random shit.  Ok, maybe I do that anyway.  But without the blog you’d just see me doing it more.

This weekend I’ll be re-posting again, I have a good one picked out that I think you’re going to like, even if you’ve read it before.

Just a couple of Random Thursday Thoughts today:

New Years Eve is lame.  There, I said it.  It’s one of the most overrated holidays.  I’d probably take two Labor Day’s and give up New Years Eve for one year if I could.  Why?  Because it gets over hyped so much.  Seriously, think about it.  What other night do people spend weeks trying to figure out what they are going to do?  People started asking me if I had NYE plans like three weeks ago.  And yet every year it turns out to be just an average night.  I have better memories of random Saturday nights over the last couple years then NYE nights.  In fact sometimes the nights have turned out to be downright boring.  And you spend a boat load of money to have that lame time too.  Food, drinks, everything is over priced.  This year?  The Lady Friend and I are going out to a nice restaurant down the street, getting our buzz on and calling it a night – probably back home before midnight.  Simple night for a Simple Dude.

Have you seen these commercials for something called PAJAMA JEANS?  The commercials alone make me want to punch someone.  But the actual jeans / pajamas / excuses to be lazy are beyond words.  Based on what I have see they essentially are sweatpants that are made to look like jeans.  They have seams, pockets, fake rivets and everything.  The commercials show women wearing them around the house, out for a walk, heading to the airport or even going out to dinner.  I could be wrong, but as far as I can tell they are fucking sweatpants.  They even have an elastic waistband. 

Last night one of my Twitter followers @mrsannethrope had an interesting comment, saying that the company knows their potential buyers are “busting at the seams after Christmas” which I am sure is true, they do know their target audience!  But don’t try to convince people these can be worn for a night on the town, that’s ridiculous.  Has anyone seen these?  I’m curious how they look in person.

   
These people have completely given up all hope.
DONT FORGET:  Send me any questions you have about life, love, happiness..  or even sex. (giggle)  I’ll use them for my ASK SIMPLE DUDE post upcoming.  I’ve gotten a few great questions but definitely could use some more!

Email me now: simpledudemail@gmail.com.  If I answer your question you’ll get the bonus of some pimping on my blog – so be sure to send me your link!

SD

You May Not Want To Go In There

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-12-2010

Well it was bound to happen eventually, and yesterday it did.  The Lady Friend came home from the store and walked in the garage door just in time to see me coming down from the upstairs bathroom, heading towards the downstairs bathroom.  Why was I toilet hopping?  I was bringing the plunger down to take care of some business.  Yep, I plugged that sucker.  Hey, it happens..  even to Simple Dudes. 
Of course she immediately started laughing, probably as a defense mechanism since deep down I know she was grossed out by the thought of what took place just before she walked in the door.  But to her credit, all she did was laugh.  And then she told me “It’s official now, I’m living with Archie Bunker.“  She’s great. 
Not sure why we don’t have a plunger in the main floor bathroom – it would have saved me the trouble of having that whole scene.  It’s not like it was embarrassing…  it takes a hell of a lot more than that to embarrass me.  But this incident reminded me of something else that happened just a couple weeks after I moved in.  The Lady Friend has little air freshener sprays in each of the bathrooms.  She mentioned to me one night that I should make a point of using it… you know… when appropriate.  I assumed she must have stumbled into the bathroom after one of my visits, which was why she brought it up.
So since then I have made a point to use the sprays..  uh.. when appropriate.  But I wonder what good etiquette would dictate about that when you KNOW the other person is not going to have to experience the tainted air?  For instance, when she is not home I am not going to use the spray.  I’m just not.  Sure the smell bothers me a little but after i’ve done my business I won’t be back in there again – at least not until the air has cleared.  To be honest, I NEVER sprayed when I lived alone, unless there was someone else visiting. 
And likewise, if she is upstairs watching TV and I use the downstairs bathroom (or the other way around) and I know for a fact that she won’t be going into the bathroom should I still spray?  I actually sprayed once even though I knew it was unnecessary but the scent from the spray was stronger and wafted out into the next room.  So like 30 minutes later she walks by and smells it – then proceeds to give me shit (no pun intended) about it.  Had I not sprayed at all, the evidence would have been gone long before she came by.
I know this isn’t exactly a rosy topic but I was just wondering what happens in other peoples households. 
When no one is around do you bother to spray? 
Maybe you don’t spray at all?
Smelly bastard. 
SD

P.S.  Don’t forget to send me some questions.  Sort of an Ask Simple Dude advice column.  You can send serious questions, goofy questions, whatever the hell you want.  simpledudemail @ gmail.com.   I’ll post answers in a future post!

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I’m A Guest Posting Fool

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 28-12-2010

This will be a quickie post…  I just had a couple thoughts I wanted to share with everyone.  First up I did a guest post today – over at Jumble Mash.  Be sure to go check it out, and while you’re there… follow her!!  It’s a little rant about stupid people, including another short story about our favorite couple of stupid neighbors:  Mr. & Mrs. Moron

My last post was a horror story from my days working as a radio DJ, and a number of commenters said I should write more stories from those days.  I think thats a great idea – I’m going to do just that in the coming weeks.  I have a couple good ones… the first that comes to mind involves my very own stalker, specifically two stalkers. 
I absolutely love all you commenters.  I have said it before and will again – I have the best commenters on the internet, it’s absolutely true.  I don’t always get a chance to reply to comments due to time constraints in my life but I do read each and every one and you guys always have me laughing so please keep them coming!
And in relation to all my great commenters and readers I want to know if you have questions for me.  They could be questions about life, love, sex, work or money – just don’t ask me for money.  They could be philosophical, serious or thought-provoking but they don’t have to be.  They could be downright stupid.  
Email me your questions:  simpledudemail @ gmail.com.   I’ll answer them in an upcoming post!
I’ll be back tomorrow with my own new post.. it’s about something we all know a lot about:  The Toilet.  Some may say it’s going to be a shitty post.  I wouldn’t though, I have more class than that. 
SD

Once Horrifying, Now Funny

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-12-2010

Ok, funny story alert.  Funny now anyway, at the time this was horrifying.  One of my favorite quotes is from Mark Twain:  “Humor is tragedy plus time,” and that is so true.  It’s amazing how time allows us to look back and laugh at ourselves. 
I think I mentioned this once before, but I had a previous career working in radio.  I actually worked in radio for a total of 8 years, with the first couple years in on-air jobs as a DJ.  Not the kind of DJ that wears ill-fitting ties or light blue leisure suits while getting the crowd pumped up at wedding receptions.  No, I was the dude on the air spinning records (CDs) and telling you what the time and temp was – even if you didn’t care. 
I have plenty of stories of times I had dead air which is when one song ends and you’re not ready to play the next one so there is nothing being broadcast but “dead air” while you scramble to get the next song started.  Dead air is a big time sin in radio and too much of it will get you booted out of your job.  But dead air is still not the worst thing you can do as a DJ. 
I worked in a few different cities with one of them being a medium sized city in out-state Minnesota.  It was a classic rock station and had a pretty good reach with the signal traveling about 50 miles in all directions.  One weekend my dad and a couple of his friends were at a lake cabin in our listening area for a guys outing.  You know.. drinking and fishing.  In that order.

About halfway through my shift I got a call from my dad saying they were out on the lake listening to our station.  They requested a couple songs and hung up.

To give you a little understanding on how the equipment in a radio studio works, there are two ways to turn the microphone on and off.  It has a switch that always has to be turned on to work, but there is also a sliding level that raises or lowers the level (volume) of your voice.  It’s just a matter of preference how you turn the mic on and off.  I would do both, usually pulling the slide all the way down which basically cut the volume on the mic completely.  But sometimes hitting the button to shut it off first. 
So back to my dad and his buddies.  After his call, I went on and did my little radio nonsense, starting to say the next song was going out to a group of guys fishing on whatever the hell lake it was.  But I stumbled over my words and ended up sounding like an idiot.  I don’t remember what I said specifically but I know that I tried to make up for it with a stupid joke about getting tongue-tied but then screwed that up too!  I pretty much came across like some kind of slapdick shithead.  I pushed the button for the CD player, starting the next song, hit the off button on the mic and just stood there with my eyes closed.  I was embarrassed and pissed.  I’d made mistakes before.. playing the wrong song or having little moments of dead air but I very rarely stumbled over my words.  I just didn’t do that. 
So standing there with my eyes closed I simply said the word “FUCK“.  But there was a problem.  I heard myself say it.  I was wearing headphones and shouldn’t have heard anything but the song playing.  Unless the damn mic was on!  I looked down, and yep it was on!  I thought I had turned it off, but had missed the button somehow.  I quickly shut it off and threw my headphones.  I was mortified.  Swearing on the air is about as bad as it gets.  While sitting there wondering how many people may be listening (there were about 75,000 people in the listening area) I realized I had been recording my shift on a cassette tape as I almost always did since in radio your demo tape is what gets you your next job.
Upon listening back I was lucky the song was a loud one as you could barely hear me saying FUCK but it was faint, buried in the music.  If someone wasn’t listening close they probably wouldn’t have noticed.  I never heard from my boss, any listeners or co-workers so I assumed it went pretty much unnoticed.  And when I talked to my dad they were loopy enough at that point that they didn’t notice either.  And the word-stumbling I did?  They thought it was an intentional joke – they said it was funny..  ha!
So in hindsight, kind of funny I guess.  I wish I still had the tape, but back then if I didn’t think I would be using it for my demo, I recorded over it the next time I worked.  And as you can imagine I was in a hurry to record over that little FUCK up. 
SD

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Another From The Simple Dude Vault

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 26-12-2010

I hope everyone had a great Christmas.  I’m in a bit of a food-overload stupor right now.  I guess it’s sort of a cookie hangover.  Things went well, the Lady Friend and I were both happy with our gifts.  And really that’s all that matters right?  At least to me.  


In typical weekend fashion, I am half-assing it.  But just like Friday this one is a true Half Assed post as i’m pulling another old one from the “vault”.  Since this blog is only about four months old I really don’t have a very big vault to choose from – but I think you’ll like this one, it’s from mid-October, right after I moved in with the Lady Friend.  Not a situation I enjoyed at the time… but I guess it’s good for a laugh, so what the hell.   



Well We’re Moving On Up!

No, not to “The Eaast Siiiide” as The Jefferson’s theme song suggests.  (for those of you too young to know that TV show, your homework assignment is to spend more time watching crappy old TV shows and less time on the net)  But I am all moved into the lady friends place now.  I even made a quick trip down to the old place today to grab a few more random things this afternoon.  Whatever is left can wait, my renters are not moving in for a couple weeks.

The move was ok, maybe a little easier then most since I got rid of so much shit over the last few weeks.  I had a friend helping with some of the heavy stuff and my parents were helped as much as they could, with the lady friend helping to unpack and organize my stuff at her pad.  And with the place as empty as it is I really start to realize what a shitty housekeeper I am.  Little dust bunnies behind dressers, desk, couch, TV, etc.  And my ‘office’ … oh fuck.  What is it about computers that just attract dust?  Disgusting.  I’ve been called a lot of things in my life but neat-freak isn’t one of them.  However I am not a slob either.. I clean on a semi regular basis and try to keep the place looking decent.  But I guess it had been a while since I moved some shit around!  So a damn good cleaning is on the to do list before the renters move in.  Maybe I should hire a service to do that – has anyone had success with one those?
There was a potentially embarrassing moment.  Early Saturday morning while pulling some stuff out of the closet I came across something every single guy (many women too) has, or HAD at some point in their lives.  A box of porn.  This was shit I hadn’t even thought about let alone looked at in many many years.  I didn’t want any of it so I stuffed it into a couple shoe boxes and taped them shut.  I intended to drop it all to the bottom of my garbage can and pile more stuff on top when I left to make a run to the bank.  Then I decided it wouldn’t hurt to keep one DVD…  why not right?  
So I set that aside.  I got distracted by something, and set the whole lot on the stove where it sat literally all day as I was hauling stuff in and out, making a couple trips to the new place.  Towards the end of the day I saw the shoe boxes and extra DVD still sitting in the same spot.  The separate DVD was under the shoe boxes where I left it – my 70 year old mom had been helping me pack up stuff in the kitchen and apparently never saw it.  I grabbed it quickly and ran out to throw it in my car.  Whew – embarrassment averted!   
A little while later I was making a quick pass through the house and saw the separate DVD sitting on a box in the living room.  Apparently in my haste to grab the naughty stuff and get the fuck out of there I dropped the DVD.  One of my parents must have found it and put it on the box.  I stuffed into a bag out of sight, but it was too late – the damage had been done.  They didn’t say anything about it and I sure as hell didn’t either.  Maybe it’ll get brought up at Thanksgiving…  sigh. 
UPDATE:  It was NOT brought up at Thanksgiving, or Christmas.  That would have been some uncomfortable turkey table talk. 

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SD

Opening Up The Simple Dude Vault Today

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 24-12-2010

Merry Flippin’ Christmas everyone!  I’ll be spending tomorrow with the Lady Friend’s family.  Am I excited?  Uhh.. that may be over-stating it.  But it will be fun.  As for today we are going to have dinner and open our presents to each other here shortly…  wish me luck on getting one of those ugly ass Monkey Ornaments.  Or some cheese.  


Since I’ve gained so many new followers in the last couple months I am going to Half Ass it for the next couple days and open up the Simple Dude vault with a couple re-posts.  This one was from September.  At one point I considered doing a We Are All Screwed Mondays series of posts as I could have found PLENTY of examples.  But as time went on I just had other shit to say I guess.  


So without further adieu..  here it is:  
(does my French impress you?  Before you say yes, it’s probably misspelled.)  

We Are All Screwed

What do you think about the future of our society?  

Occasionally you see bright uplifting stories of humans helping humans in
unusual situations. Or see a group of bright teens working together on some special project that raises money for terminally ill kids, homeless vets or cats with severe arthritis that doesn’t allow them to lick themselves. Then there are the smart little spelling bee nerds but I am not convinced those kids will all have positive impacts. I always watch trying to pick out the future postal worker shooting spree assholes. Seriously… take a look next time. Some of those little geeks are a B+ on their report cards away from building a pipe bomb. 

For every positive thing we see about where we are heading, there seem to be five more telling us we are all fucked. And not in the good sloppy way. The other day I was at a local bar, nothing fancy.. in fact its a shit hole. Not a place I frequent at all. The decor hasn’t changed in probably 25 years which is a real shame because that means 25 years of beer and body fluids spilled into the carpet. Despite being hungry I chose to drink my dinner that night based on the looks of the menu in the picture I took below, both in the wide view and the closeup. 

Ok, I know they don’t really serve mice there or “miced lettuce”. Obviously thats a typo, a very unfortunate one, but a typo nonetheless. I am pretty sure the food there sucks but the true reason I would not eat there (or maybe drink there again) is because they are so stupid they didn’t catch this typo or re-print the menus once they did. It’s not like it’s a period instead of a comma or something.. it says MICED LETTUCE for shits sake. This is the kind of thing I would send into Jay Leno if I didn’t think he was such a douche. 

Here in Minnesota we do someting that I don’t think too many other states do. For repeat DUI offenders, to let them keep their drivers license they have to  put special plates on their cars. I don’t know all the specifics of this, i’m not a lawyer or a drunk. But I do know the plates all begin with the letters WK or WD or something like that and we all know exactly what they are as soon as we see them… we call them “whiskey plates“. So instead of flipping the bird to someone who cuts you off with whiskey plates, the customary thing to do is give them the old thumb and pinky finger “tipping back a beer” sign. Probably an asshole thing to do, but it’s kinda funny. Anyway.. the other day I saw a TAXI driving with whiskey plates so I had to snap a pic, and blew up the plate so you can see it better.  Aren’t these guys who we call when WE are drunk?? 

So in just one short week I find two prime examples of why we are all fucked. As much as I hate to say it… there will probably be more to come.  Sigh.  


SD

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