McRib Monday Part 2

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-11-2010

Yeah, I used my day off from work to poison my body with another crappy McRib.   So what?!?!  At least I am not sharing any photos with you this time.  Yes it was good.  Too good actually, because it encourages me to do it again next Monday (another day off) if my will power escapes me again.  A while back I posted about all my favorite things to eat that only come out at certain times of the year, but I forgot to mention one of my favorites: egg nog.  I have never tried to make it myself as some folks do, I’m happy with the stuff you buy in the store.  Yes, I feel myself getting fatter every time I drink it.. but it’s So.. Damn.. Good.  Last night the Lady Friend had a brilliant idea.  Vanilla ice cream + egg nog + ice + rum in a blender.  Lets just say I was feelin’ the holiday spirit big time.   
Stay tuned Simpletons..  I’ll have a guest post later this week from Smart Ass Sara.  I’m excited to see what she’ll have to say…  she’s one wild chick and she tells it like it is.

I don’t have a lot more to say today, so just going to throw out some random observations I had today while NOT working:

Have you ever farted in the shower?  You know, when the water is running over you?  Makes a hilarious sound that I can’t even begin to describe.  I am sure farting in the bathtub has a similar comedic result, but I haven’t taken a bath since I was like 9 years old.  I have farted in hot tubs, but those are noisy so you can’t really hear much.  It’s actually nice because you can easily fart in a hot tub without anyone knowing.  But the shower thing is unique and I recommend giving it a shot.  That being said I guarantee the next time you’re in the shower you’ll be thinking about this.
Most people are liars.  Lousy, stinking liars.  How do I know?  LOL.  No, I am not laughing out loud.  That is my reasoning.  Of all the people who type LOL, what do you think the percentage is that are actually Laughing Out Loud.  I mean, maybe a smile or even a light chuckle.  But Laughing Out Loud??  I believe it’s roughly 11%.  So that means 89% of the time people are bullshitting you.  And you see it all the time.  Text messages, Facebook, Twitter, emails, websites, blogs.  Hell I’ve even seen it in print media.  IN PRINT.  I don’t think people are going to stop using LOL because of this rant.  I don’t even think they will use it less.  That’s fine.  I just wanted to be sure you know that they are all fucking liars.
As I mentioned, I didn’t have to work today.  Fortunately I didn’t have time to watch much crappy daytime TV (or bad 70′s porn as mentioned in my previous post) since I gave myself a nice long to do list.  It was awesome – I was very productive.  But I did watch Regis & Kelly or whatever it’s called.  Regis is cool, I can’t fault him.  He’s Mr. TV as far as I’m concerned.  Joel McHale was on and I really dig him, both on Community and The Soup.  Unfortunately there was something called Nicki Manaj on the show too.  She sang/rapped a song that is supposedly a hit, which makes me pissed off.  It was terrible.  She neither sang nor rapped it, and she has the stage presence of a wet shoe.  At the end of her segment (the remote control was across the room so yes I was forced to watch the whole thing) I became saddened by the thought that poor old Regis at his advanced age, was forced to spend 5 minutes of his life watching this shit.  Old people deserve better. 
Lastly just a quick note about Leslie Nielsen.  Airplane! was the favorite movie of a very young Simple Dude and his friends in the early 80s.  We would watch it over and over, memorizing the lines.  And his Naked Gun movies were great too.  The humor was simple and straight forward, but that’s what you expected.  Unlike movies today where you really don’t know WHAT to expect.  To this day there is an old friend of mine with whom I occasionally exchange text message movie quotes from his movies.  
R.I.P. Leslie..  and please, don’t call me Shirley.


Half Ass Weekend

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-11-2010

Time for another Half Ass Weekend post.  I survived the mall on Friday, although it was a huge pain in the ass.  We didn’t go until around noon thinking we’d miss a lot of the door buster traffic.  I don’t know if we were delusional or if every asshole in town had the same idea but the mall was still a zoo.  It took us 20+ minutes to find a place to park, it seemed the percentage of mall ‘arrivers’ to mall ‘leavers’ was NOT in our favor. 
Once we got into the mall the lines were ridiculous so we picked up a couple things, but mostly browsed, grabbed a Starbucks and then had lunch.  But when we first got into the mall we saw this giant kids train sitting there waiting to pick up passengers.  At first I wasn’t sure what the hell it was for, the mall was a little crowded so I couldn’t imagine it getting too far.  As you can probably tell it had four cars it pulled that would each seat 2 – 3 people.  The thing was like 30 feet long.  No my lady friend would NOT let me ride it.. who does she think she is?? 
A little later I hear a loud train whistle behind us and turn around to see the thing plowing through the mall at about 20 mph.  The son of the bitch driving just kept laying on the whistle to get people to move out of the way.  If someone was deaf, slow or just too stubborn to move he would have had to slam on the brakes (throwing all the kids face first into the front of their respective cars) just to avoid hitting someone.  I didn’t get a photo of him racing by because he literally was gone before I could get out my phone to take a pic.  Are you kidding me?  On the busiest shopping day of the year?  That was a friggin’ lawsuit waiting to happen. 
All in all it wasn’t too miserable and we were out of there in about 2 hours.  I won’t actually start any of my Christmas shopping for 3 weeks or so, I mean come one, guys don’t Christmas shop in November.  That’s foolishness.  
With the holiday and being busy at work I’ve completely spaced out some well deserved thanks for another blog award I recently received.  
This is a totally original award created and given by Jumble Mash.  Which means I am among the very first people to get it!  Thanks much!  So this means my blog is funny?  It’s meant to be a deeply personal, serious introspective of my life and you find it funny!??!?   hmmph.  I’m supposed to pass this along, which I’ll try to get to this week. 
I hope all my Simpletons are having a good long weekend!  Mine is especially long, I have Monday off.  What am I going to do on my big extra day off?  I plan to sleep, eat, sleep, watch bad 70′s porn, sleep and maybe write a blog about Christmas tree ornaments.  Or just watch more porn. 


Post Thanksgiving Haze

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 26-11-2010

I am in a post Thanksgiving haze right now.  I ate way too much shit yesterday and didn’t even drink that much.  Don’t worry, I’ll make up for that tonight.  So I was a big blob of lazy, turkey smelling crap last night on the couch.  Therefore today’s post will be a shorty.   I just have a few random thoughts as I am making the foolish brave decision to hit the mall today.  Yes, on Black Friday.  Normally you wouldn’t get me near a mall today if they were giving out free lap dances and bacon wrapped cheese curds.  But the Lady Friend needs to pick up a few things and I agreed to make the trip with her.  At least she is buying me lunch. 
We have an annual Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot 5K in Minneapolis every year on Thanksgiving morning…  huh, that’s ironic.  NOW that name finally makes sense to me.  Anyway I haven’t ran it before but have a handful of friends that always do.  The temperature outside at the start of the run yesterday morning?  8 degrees.  That’s Fahrenheit not Celsius for my non American friends.  How in the holy ham and cheese hell do you run 5K in 8 degree weather?  Man this city sucks.  We got some more snow this week and with these temps it looks like it’s here to stay for the next 5 months.  Sigh.
I have that game/app Angry Birds on my phone..  has anyone played it?  If not, don’t.  It’s addicting as shit and it seems to go on forever.  But if you are a masochist with plenty of time on your hands then by all means download it… it is free.  Anyway, the Lady Friend is hooked on it too, like it’s some kind of shopping/ice cream/crack combo to her.  She was playing last night and I asked her if it was disrespectful to be playing Angry Birds while eating turkey.  She gave me a look as if I has just farted or something and turned right back to the game without a word.  I didn’t really understand the look..  I am pretty sure I HADN’T just farted, but who knows.. I don’t keep track of those things.
Things were pretty uneventful with the big Thanksgiving family gathering yesterday.  Turkey, stuffing, pie and beer.  All in all not a bad way to spend a Thursday.   The Lady Friend took a bunch of money off my aunts and cousins in some weird card games the females were playing while the guys sat in the basement and watched football, talking about cars, lap dances and bacon wrapped cheese curds. 
If all goes well and I survive the blasted mall, I may have something to report over the weekend.  But most likely I’ll just have another Half Assed Weekend Post.  When you consider the fact that my weekday posts are pretty half assed too, that doesn’t say much for me now does it?  Don’t answer that. 
So why the hell are you not following me on Twitter?  @SimpleDude17  It’s sort of like getting laid, without the shame, regret or mess.

Pimpin’ and Wishin’

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 24-11-2010

Before I get to my Holiday Meal Story that I was required to give when accepting my Shiny Happy Turkey Blog award, I need to throw some props out there. 
First off I won an award.  No, it’s not my first award.  Or my second.  Or even my 5th.  But my favorite award is always my most recent award so in my mind this sucker kicks ass.  It’s from Vinny C at As Vinny C’s It.  It’s called The Tanned Hide Blog Award.  It somehow involves spanking or getting spanked or so I think based on the visual.  And to be honest when I read magazines or books it’s usually just the visuals I look for anyway.  Although in my defense the magazines and books I read are usually the dirty kind. 
So big thanks to Vinny C!  Be sure to check out his blog – i’m a new follower of his, and so far so good.  A lot of these awards require you to pass them along.  I am not sure if this is the case here or not, but I make up my own rules anyway.  So I’m gonna pass it along to a few people. 
Average Girl from It’s An Average Life – Her posts are great, and her comments on my blog always crack me up.  She is anything but average, and she probably knows it.  Some would say I am anything but Simple..  but they’d be lying. 
Kelly at My Joy Project – I may be risking my DUDE card by admitting this, but some of her recent posts have struck a chord with me.  Making me remember dating struggles in my past.  Between you and me (and my 150 other followers) I feel your pain, truly.  Stay strong!
And lastly to Canadian Blogger Girl because she just threw some monster blog love my way and I am a monster blog pimp who is an equal opportunity blog whore.  Thanks CBG!
To all of you who commented on my last blog saying they’d love to have me pimp them… stay tuned.  I’m working on it!
Now to my story.  I lived in my parents house through college, until I was about 21 years old.  When I moved out I moved to another state – South Dakota.  I moved there to go to work at a small town radio station (I was a radio DJ for 2+ years.. lots of stories about that to come) and when you want to work in radio you pretty much have to start at a small town.  I grew up in Minneapolis and the Minneapolis / St. Paul metro area has about 2.5 million people, so moving to a town of 15,000 was a shock.  BIG shock.  I didn’t know a single person in town when I moved there, outside of a couple people I worked with who were 15 – 20 years older than I was.  So I was pretty much alone.  My parents, friends, girlfriend all lived about 250 miles away and I only got one day per week off, which happened to be Wednesdays.  Seriously.  So if I wanted to come home and visit people i’d have 1 day to do it. 
I moved there the week after Thanksgiving, which was nice since I got to spend the holiday with my family.  And over the next couple weeks I got settled into my new place, started to get to know my neighbors a little bit but they were older too so I didn’t really find anyone to “hang” with after work.  You know.. get a beer, cruise for chicks, polish our gun racks..  whatever people do in small towns. 
Christmas fell on a Friday that year which is great for some, but not for a person who only gets Wednesdays off.  Remember, I was a radio DJ.  Radio stations don’t shut down for holidays.  Now-a-days they have computers that can run the station, playing music and even pre-recorded speaking breaks making it sound like a DJ is sitting there talking to you.  But back then no such luck… someone had to sit there and spin the records.  Well, mostly CDs but we actually did have a record player in the studio that occasionally got used.  So on Christmas Eve after work I went over to the Jubilee Foods that was behind my apartment.  I bought some mashed potatoes (screwed that up) some stuffing (turned out dry as crushed chalk) and a pre-cooked ham.  That turned out ok – all I had to do was heat it up.  And I spent Christmas day alone in my apartment. 
There wasn’t much on TV that day, especially in the middle of the day (I didnt have to be at work until 5pm) so I ended up watching a soap opera.  It was their Christmas episode and the whole family was gathered for their dinner.  In a weird way it made me feel like home so I watched the damn thing.  And may or may not have gotten a little misty.  
Feel sorry for me?  Yeah, it sucked.  Even though family pisses me off sometimes, being alone makes you appreciate even the stupidest of relatives.

Survey SAYS!!!

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 23-11-2010

Who is old enough to remember Richard Dawson on Family Feud?  That dude was smooth.  I didn’t know what to expect with my Survey Post a couple weeks back.  It ended up being one of my most popular in terms of page views and by FAR my most popular post in terms of comments – which is exactly what I wanted.  You can’t get an accurate survey with just a few responses so I am very happy to have received 49 comments on that post.  Wow… and thank you!

I finally found some time to compile the info over the last couple days.  While some of it comes as no surprise, it is still interesting.  I think it could help us become better bloggers – at least in terms of how we get our content out to our readers… and for those that care, it may help us to gain a few more followers.  After all, there is that whole “if a tree falls in the forest / people hearing it” thing to consider.  If no one is reading your blog – couldn’t you save yourself the trouble and keep an offline journal? 
Thanks to all of you..  Here is what I found:
1. How many times per week (average) do you post on your blog?
The range of answers here was typical with the smallest being once per week and the highest being about 10 times per week.  The average was 4.1 times per week – which ironically is exactly what I do.  You should see my .1 post, it’s amazing. 

2. Do you tweet to promote each post?  If so, how many times (average) per post? 
I was surprised by both the Twitter & Facebook answers.  Only 39% of responders use Twitter to promote their blog posts.  And of those people (myself included) we tweet an average of 1.25 times per post.  Most people said one to this answer, with a few saying they tweet each post a couple times.  

3. Do you promote using Facebook updates?  If so, how many times per post?
Facebook seems to be a little more popular then Twitter, but just barely.  43% of those who responded use Facebook to promote their posts and EVERY single respondent (including me) said they only hit FB once per post. 

4. How long have you been blogging?  Just your current blog if you have had others.  
Another wide variety of answers here, but averaging them out came to just over 11 months.

5. What have you found is the best way to gain interest, followers, pageviews to your blog?
This was the most interesting set of answers.  Some people flatly said “I have no idea” (love the honesty!) so hopefully this will help.  I split the most popular answers up and ranked them by percentage:

55% said by following and commenting on other blogs.  No surprise here, it’s my number one answer too.  

12% said through various social media (facebook, twitter)

11% said word of mouth.. but isn’t that tough to gauge online??   

8% claimed one of my favorite methods..  through pimping.  Whether it’s pimping some love out to another blog with the hope of getting it return or just by getting lucky and having people blindly pimp your blog for you.  I have been one lucky son of a bitch in this area.  

A few people mentioned blogging forums such as 20 Something Bloggers or Studio 30 Plus (I am a member) for bloggers over 30.  One surprise..  only two people claimed that their content has gained them followers. 

6. Do you, or have you ever had ads on your blog?   

83% said no they do not and have not ever had ads.  17% said they do.  I’d say close to half the people that said they do not use ads, said the presence of them does not bother them.  A few said they would or are considering them.  

My Two Cents: 

I’ve had the most success getting people to visit my blog simply by commenting on other blogs.  If the content you are putting out there appeals to those visitors, they will become followers.  

I know many of us are using Blogger and our followers come through Blogger and/or the Google Reader system.  But not everyone uses Blogger or wants to bother with a Google account.  That is why social media such as Facebook and Twitter are important – it gives you another way to let people know you put up a new post.  

Using my blog as an example.  I tweet each post at least once, sometimes twice and obviously it’s working since Twitter is my #1 referring site.  After that there are a few blogs mixed in, with Facebook being the #5 site for referrals.  If you don’t give a fat flippin’ fart about followers, and you use your blog strictly to hone your writing skills…  blogging can be a great way to do that.  Write, Write Write.  Like anything else, practice makes perfect.  

But if you are looking to gain followers in addition to working on your writing, I’d suggest trying out Twitter and/or Facebook for those that haven’t.  I am sure those who use these outlets would concur that they are gaining at least some traffic flow… otherwise why would they do it?  Just a thought.  

Thanks to all that participated!  I’m thinking about changing some of my methods after doing this… for instance doing a little Big Pimpin’ Series to help my fellow bloggers.  Anyone want to be pimped?  


Half Ass Weekend Post

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 21-11-2010

As with many of my weekend posts, I am going to half ass this one.  Why?  I only get about half the views and comments on weekends, so the post gets half the effort.  Makes sense to me.  In fact maybe this could end up being a series… Half Ass Weekends.  I like it. 
Today I just have a random experience to share with you.  The other day I was getting ready to leave for work and I saw a lone, single Banana Nut Cheerio sitting on the couch cushion.  The lady friend sometimes sits there with a bowl of cereal watching TV before leaving for work in the mornings.  She leaves about 30 minutes before I do so she was already gone when I saw this.  I grabbed the lonely Cheerio and threw it away.  But I pulled out my phone and sent her a text:
Just wondered if that random Cheerio left sitting on the couch was there for a reason?  Maybe you forgot it?  I saved it for you.“  
To which she responded:
Thank God you did.  It was watching TV with me and I thought I had lost it.  You are my Cheerio Hero.  Where is your cape?”  

I thought that was funny and couldn’t come up with an adequate response so I let it be.
This weekend the Lady Friend and I are going “out of town”.  I use the quotes because we’re only driving about an hour down to a city in southern MN called Red Wing.  They have a kick ass 100+ year old hotel there that I have stayed at a few times so it’ll probably be a nice expensive romantic weekend.  I’ll try to snap a pic or two to share with all of you Simpletons.

Is it ok to refer to my followers as Simpletons?  I am the Simple Dude after all.  Plus I mean it with all the love and admiration possible.  And only a wee bit of sarcasm there.

If you haven’t done so yet, be sure to check out my guest post over at Cinderita’s blog.  It’ll make you a better person.  

SD (aka Cheerio Hero) 

I’m A Guest Postin’ Turkey Winnin’ Fool

Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 19-11-2010

Earlier this week Cinderita contacted me about doing a guest post on her blog.  I hadn’t thought much about doing a guest post before getting her email, but it sounded intriguing so I figured what the hell!  We emailed back and forth about format or what to write and decided that it would be cool for me to post about a topic that SHE recently had posted about. 
I had just read a post she did last week called 100% or Bust.  Essentially it was asking whether or not you are giving 100% to the various aspects of your life.  It’s a great personal, introspective question and I decided to tackle it.  I know many of my posts are goofy, funny or make you laugh out of pure stupidity.  I’m not sure this one will have the same effect..  it’s a different side of the Simple Dude.  But I hope you at least find it interesting.  Click here to read my post
Check out the rest of Cinderita’s blog and if you are not already following her…  DO IT.  I’m not above bribery.  
And I do have some other good news to report…  well, good news to me anyway.  I was given another award!  The Shiny Turkey Award.  It makes me think of that Shiny Happy People song by R.E.M.  Good band, shitty song.  This award was given to me first by Steph Gas from It’s Never Too Late To Save A Hopeless Case.  And then it was given to me again by J.Day from The Ramblings of Charlie Brown.  Check them out.. they are a couple of real turkeys..  HA!  Get it??  Do ya?  See, I took the name of the award and turned it around on the givers!  Golly..  I’m a funny fucker!
Anyway, with this award you are supposed to tell a horror story involving a holiday meal involving alcohol or something like that.  I do have a story about a holiday meal that I spent entirely alone many years ago.  Yep, i’ll have ya feeling sorry for me on this one.  I don’t have time for it right now but promise to share it soon. 
Hope you have a good weekend…  and don’t forget to go read my guest post on Cinderita’s blog.