Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Lady Friend, marriage | Posted on 05-15-2013
The Lady Friend and I are getting married in about 2 1/2 weeks and my bachelor party is next weekend. Scary!
I wrote one last article at The Indie Chicks website about our wedding plans and the small reception we’re having at our house. The tough part was deciding who does and doesn’t get to come over and eat and drink on me. I plan on getting lots of people drunk. I don’t offer that kind of service every day!
Click on over and read all about it… and in the next few days I’ll have a post about the NHL Blogger Bet that has now concluded.
Here is a hint… it didn’t have a happy ending for your Simple Dude.
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in marriage | Posted on 04-26-2013
I know I have been neglecting this blog a bit lately, but I did write another article for my friends over at The Indie Chicks. It’s the second in a three part series about the planning of my wedding coming up now in just over a month.
I’d love for you to click over and read the article. For starters, it’s funny. Or so I think. But also because The Indie Chicks is a great website that has a lot of other great articles to offer for both chicks and dudes alike.
I’ll be back here with a post next week – I promise. Just don’t hold me to that.
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Stupid People | Posted on 04-18-2013
One thing that has always bugged me… people who drop their gum in a urinal. For starters it’s stupid. What kind of dude steps up to the urinal, unzips and suddenly decides to rid himself of his gum?
“Man, this gum sucks. It’s got to go. Not, not when I get to the garbage can. It’s go to go NOW dammit!”
Ladies, you don’t really know much about this phenomenon. Unless you are one of those urinal-peeing ladies I’m always hearing about. But on occasion you’ll step up to tinkle and see a piece of gum just sitting there waiting for it’s golden shower. The gum won’t go down when flushed due to the rubber liner / pee target, so when you hit the handle all it does is bounce around in a yellow circle.
But what really gets me about this is that the offending chewer is not thinking at all about how that gum is going to get OUT of the urinal. Is it going to sprout legs and hop out? Nope. As disgusting as it may be, some poor sap is going to have to reach in and take it out.
Granted this person is someone who actually cleans bathrooms for a living, but there is a difference between rubbing a cleaning brush around in a toilet bowl and having to reach into a urinal to fish out gum… gloves or no gloves, it’s gross.
If you are the kind of dude who spits his gum into a urinal you must be saying people who clean public bathrooms have life a little too easy. Their lives are just too damn good. You need to knock them down a peg or two. Kick them down off their high horse right?
If you have done this in the past for whatever reason, please stop. Think of the poor bastard you are forcing to get all pissy-handsy just because you are an asshole.
Public bathroom cleaners everywhere will thank you for not being one.
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Lady Friend, Uncategorized | Posted on 04-04-2013
If you have never been to The Indie Chicks website you are missing out. Don’t let the name fool you either, it’s not just about Chicks or just for Chicks. I myself have spent plenty of time reading articlesthere and I am not a chick. Not even close. I have also written a few articles over there myself promoting my book. You’ve read that right? No? Come one, it’s hilarious!
As you may or may not know… the Lady Friend and I are getting married this summer. And coincidentally The Indie Chicks recently asked if I would be willing to write a few more articles for them. So I decided, what better topic to write about then the end of my life! My single life that is. Jeez, I hope my Lady Friend doesn’t read this.
Since I am not your typical groom, getting married for the very first time at the ripe old age of 40, I thought I could bring a unique perspective to a whole process. Which is what I am doing over the course of a few articles over there.
The first one went up today and is published under my pen name Jon. I know, what a weird name to choose right?
I’d love you like a case of beer if you did me a favor and clicked over to read it. And please comment there – I’d love to hear what you peeps think!
SD aka Jon
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Catalog, Stupid People | Posted on 03-26-2013
Recently I posted about Hillbilly Can Holders that were featured in this goofy catalog we get in the mail. Some of you commented that they looked a little ridiculous but that you’d consider actually buying them. Other folks wrote that they actually HAVE used them in the past.
And I’m man enough to admit you may have swayed me a bit. I haven’t decided to go out and get me a set of those things but I can at least appreciate the benefits of having them at certain times. Like when you’re throwing parties in empty fields and no one has enough sense to bring a chair or table.
Today I have another item from this catalog to share. This one is a book. A book encouraging you to PAWS FOR A MOMENT WITH GOD.
You should pray for a cat who will clean it’s own litter box.
Before you write any nasty comments you need to know I love animals. Sure I prefer dogs to cats but I have no problems with cats. That grumpy cat cracks me up!
And I wouldn’t fault or poke fun at someone who prays or shows their faith in their own way. We all have different levels of spiritualism and the freedom to . It’s one of the things that makes this country great.
HOWEVER… at the bottom of this book it says “Devotions Best Enjoyed In The Company Of A Cat” and that just made me laugh. Are there people out there who will buy this book, grab their favorite feline and plop down in front of a fire to read these out loud? And if so, will the cat do anything more than lick itself and go to sleep?
And as a guy who likes to write and has published a book myself… can someone please tell me how an author decided this book HAD to be written? And more important how in the holy-cat-farting-hell did some publisher buy it?!??!?
I want to buy this book just so that I can find out who the publisher is. I will then go to the home of the publishing company president and explain to this person that there are a million authors out there self publishing books far superior to this crap. Lastly I’ll punch this person in the balls (or boobs) for all of you folks who have ever considered writing a book.
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Random Simplicity, Work | Posted on 03-20-2013
Like many of you I fill out NCAA Tournament brackets. I do it every year and actually won the pool once years ago, but for the most part I never get close. I never get close because the people who usually win know NOTHING about sports.
This doesn’t really bother me. I do happen to know a fair amount about sports but filling out these brackets is as much about luck as it is about skill. And as you know it’s often better to be lucky than to be good.
So finally, here is some insight into the mind of these non-sports people that pull a winning bracket out of thin air. Here is a bracket as filled out by your typical non-sports fan:
Guaranteed to win you the money
There you have it…. good luck to all!
Posted by Simple Dude | Posted in Stupid People | Posted on 03-18-2013
I have said this here before, but strange things happen just to the east of us. Odd situations with weird people. Things most of humanity just can’t understand. These things happen in the unusual and sometimes disturbing place known as Wisconsin. There are some incredibly messed up people living in that state. Ok, not ALL of them are messed up… and yes there are some freaks here in the land of 10,000 lakes too.
But every few weeks I come across a story of some new perversion or idiocy coming from the land of cheese… Wisconsin. The latest “Only in Wisconsin” moment comes to us from the city of Racine and involves this man… Tyree Carter. He gets a special distinction. According to the Wisconsin courts he is now:
“BANNED FROM EVERY LIBRARY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH”
He’s a book-loving clown-boxer.
As you can imagine, it takes more than just reading to get banned from a library. It takes masturbation. Out in the open. For everyone to see and no desire to hide what he was doing. Yep, that’s what our friend Tyree was up to. This may be a tough ban to enforce… what if he decides to do a little reading in Romania. Or check out some books in Bangladesh. Or visit a Library in Lithuania. Or do some fiction aisle fondling in France. Will his picture be posted on bookshelves around the world?
“Beware of this Jerker”
“Have you seen this chicken choker?”
“Caution: Book loving banana buffer on the loose.”
But I get the feeling his love of books is secondary to the love.. uhh… of himself. So maybe the libraries of the world are indeed safe. Even so, you may be safer to stay home with your kindle… and read my book!